Wishing

Welcome to a time of thoughts and reflections. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I am a WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) who tries to be her authentic self in an attempt to stay real and not present a false impression.

First on the agenda today is an apology for the preponderance of negativity that has infiltrated these pages of late. I wish it hadn't been so. In fact, I would give anything for it to have been otherwise.

Recently I have been stuck in a groove where the needle keeps playing on one lone track - a plaintive melody of despondency and discouragement. Before long, I may have found despair and depression trailing me as well. These things tend to hang together.

Part of the problem is our need for continual adjustment to the world around us and the circumstances we may find ourselves in. I have been wrongly overly focused on my pain, weakness, debility (another of those awful 'd' words) and so on. 

The onset of SAD hasn't helped matters much. Light - give me light! And the clocks have gone back an hour in the UK too - and the days get shorter and darker ...etc...groan...you get the picture.

Is it still all right to moan a bit if that's how we feel? It can make us feel ashamed and guilty. Aren't Christians meant to have a joyous, happy, prosperous life after all? Or so they say. But that's only part of the whole story. Life is rarely as we might wish it to be or even anticipate.

Perhaps other women reading this will nod in sympathetic agreement that we tend to think life would be better IF ONLY.... we were - prettier, thinner, sexier, cleverer, healthier, better at all sorts of things ___ fill in the blank.

I spent many of my early years wishing things were different than they actually were. In fact, so isolated and dislocated did I feel from my family at times that I secretly wished I'd been adopted and my Real Parents would come back to get me.. .one day. My twin sister was - and still is - the main person  in my birth family that I felt 'at home' with in any way.

I longed to be accepted, understood, affirmed and appreciated - Just for Being Me. Instead, I felt lost and lonely and soon became my own worst critic.

If others didn't seem to think much of me, then why should I think much of myself?
The poem below (written many years ago when youthful hopes held sway) is an example of how I felt then.

'Wishing'

Sitting here

eyes downcast

on the virgin page,

blind thoughts 

rambling

through my mind.

Wish I could write..

wish I could do

a thousand things.

Tight concentration - 

muzzy head,

no functioning of expectant hand;

eyes stray from the sheet of

Nothingness - 

catching the eyes 

in a magnetic hold

of that Somebody Else...

Wish I could love.

©JoyLenton2012

Even now I can find myself wistfully gazing into someone else's life and wishing mine was like theirs. I read a lot of tweets and blogs because I am genuinely fascinated by people's worlds, words and opinions. Yet it can have a downside if I let it.

The danger lies in making comparisons when we really have little idea at all of what their lives are truly like - beyond what they choose to reveal, of course. I may yearn to look, think, act like, or experience the apparent richness of life which others appear to be having, rather than acknowledge that mine is mainly one of limitation, pain, sickness and challenge and has been that way for many years.

God knew what He was doing though when He purposefully and lovingly created each one of us as unique and special to Him and that's how He makes us feel once we are in relationship with Him.

While I might wish I was able to write more positively, wittily or eloquently and live more freely and fully than I am able, I am learning to accept that this thoughtful, poetic, often serious and reflective person that I am now has grown out of who God deliberately made and intended me to be and is a fruit of all that I have experienced - both good and bad.

So this is me:

• A survivor of childhood abuse and mental heath problems
• Chronically sick - yet active in my mind
• Mostly housebound - but not earthbound
• Living a limited life - with an unlimited appetite for life
• A 'work in progress' - sharing my imperfections
• Devoted to God - and eager to make Him known
• Writing from the heart - with particular empathy for the hurting

For we all have our own individual story to tell and nobody else can tell it quite like we can from our unique perspective.

This is my tiny cross-stitch contribution to life's rich tapestry. If my words resonate with just one person then it will make them worth the telling.

More thoughts on growing as a believer in Christ and developing as God intended are coming up in future posts. Meanwhile, I leave you with this quote:

"You cannot control the length of your life,

but you can control its width and depth.

You can't control the contour of your countenance,

but you can control its expression.

You can't control the other person's opportunities,

but you can grasp your own.....

Why worry about the things you cannot control?

Get busy controlling things that depend on you." ~ Myron J. Taylor