Weeds are flowers too

As new life springs up all around, I am a bit ashamed to confess that our garden is a messy, tangled up space where weeds run rampant and grass is deep enough to hide things in.

But even this uncultivated space, which speaks loud of our slowness and incapacity, is a source of gratitude and deepening awareness.

As I move more into contemplative mood more during these soul-warming Spring days, I'm developing a greater need to see the sacred in the secular.

I want to awaken to wonder and deeper awareness of God's goodness and grace all around me.

He is manifest to those with eyes to see and ears to hear and reveals Himself in unexpected ways.

As I stepped out the back door recently I saw a blaze of golden sunny rays from tilting heads as dandelions raised their flag to the world.

Unashamedly brazen in their boldness. No apology for being 'less than' any other plant.

And I know deep down that weeds are as flowers, especially when a garden is bereft of those.

Weeds are a sign of life, vigour and vitality.

Weeds speak of thriving where we are planted, of survival against the odds.

Their tenacity and endurance are like faith markers in the soil of God's word.

Their perseverance shows grit and determination.

Their colour is as vivid as any true flower and the green reveal of them is sap and spark of life itself.

They bend to will of wind yet try to straighten tall against the fray of cooler, cloudburst days.

Seeing them move and sway reminds me how Holy Spirit speaks to my soul ~ sometimes soft and low like a soothing lullaby, or fierce and wild as reminder of God's searing love driving through His child's heart in the desire for me to learn and come up higher.

Seeing beauty in the everyday shapes my thoughts, words and poetry. The one below came from seeing a dancing poppy.

'Hanging on'

A lone dancing poppy

bends its head

to will of wind

Faded and jaded

it hangs limp

from its stem

Bravely hanging on

no matter where

the Spirit sends

©JoyLenton2015

Am I advocating we all let our gardens run wild? Embrace chaos, perhaps?

No, not really, even though there is often treasure to be found in seeing what comes up naturally.

What I want to emphasise is how we can feel like weeds - insignificant, on the margins, border and edge-dwellers in society.

Physical and mental health issues help to intensify those feelings, although they are common to all of us from time to time.

And standing alone, feeling lost, left out and isolated is uncomfortable and disturbing.

Friend, let me reassure you that you are not unseen, uncared for, unwanted or unknown. 

I care deeply about all who enter this space, all who are part of its reading community. I pray for you and about you ~ yes, invisible as you may seem.

More significantly, God sees; He cares; He loves you beyond measure.

He wants to be your constant Companion and the Gardener of your soul all the days of your life.

You are already lovely in His eyes, special and unique, no matter whether you feel like a bedraggled weed or a beautiful bloomer.

Because God gives us all the resources we need to survive, thrive, endure, persevere and bloom where we are planted. He will enable you to grow strong and vital in Him.

Our part is to look to Him and ask for all the help we need each day as we are fed by His word and watered by Holy Spirit anointing and grace.

Grace Notes:Threads

Though pyjamas may frequently be my default mode of dress these days, I still retain a love of clothes (shoes, boots..) and the rare opportunity to dress up and go somewhere special.

As a child, fancy clothes didn't feature much.

 My parents were of the school of thought that cheaper and two sizes too big was better to allow room for growth that rarely came before all wore out.

One thing alone stands out from my childhood wardrobe.

No shop could have held such an item as The Dress

Rarity enshrined it in memory while others faded.

Hands...that stole embraces mainly for their own comfort or pushed aside.

Eyes...that fired navy blue stones cut hard with disappointment.

Forehead....a pleated frown of disapproval.

Lips...caressing cigarettes, spoke harsh, ashed with irritability, scolds never far away.

Body....built for comfort, though it yielded little.

This Dress made all the difference. It spoke volumes

A mother who was far from motherly had crafted it

Hands....folding and holding
Eyes....poring and scanning

Forehead....creased with concentration

Lips....tutting, tense and pin-full

Body....aching stiff

 arched in supplication

over pattern and cloth

to wield instruments of magic

Family heirloom 
trusty Singer
commissioned to 
treadle and triumph 
Sew fine and sing
out a song 
a wheel of motion 
hastening the end

Hands that skilfully produced marvellous meals, delicious desserts and celebration cakes - for such was her gift - were now  employed in a project for a long-ignored daughter.

Once completed it was mine alone. No sisterly sharing. Just for me She had her own. I loved it.

Sadly, being a family short on albums, no image remains save that etched on my brain: 

Stand-out scarlet fine needle-cord, burgundy-bright tones for a child used to fading into shadow. Edged with white-laced collar. Party pretty. I felt like Sara, Princess and childhood heroine.

Years have passed and dresses galore have entered my life, each special in their own way.

But none like this - for despite all thoughts to the contrary - as far as I was concerned: Here Lay Proof.

Denied or disabled, yet her love ran through every stitch, like a scarlet thread bleeding into the fabric as it bled afresh in my heart - she cared - my mother did love me; I held the evidence before me. 

Years later, discovering her rejection from first implant of seed, attempts to remove our presence from her, seen as unwanted, treated as unloved, yet we came...twin girl companions to grieve her heart and soul as our arrival joined her in matrimony to a man she didn't love or respect; doubts rose again.

What lay behind it all I will never know. She carried her private sorrows to the grave. Only that I was not enough to make her smie or cause her the joy she named me to be.

Long before I knew the love of God, He sent those threads of grace into my life to remind me that I am special and His love could thaw the coldest of hearts, breathe hope and life where all seemed lost, change darkness and despair into light, make a child dance in heart and hearth for joy of being loved.

And He still does.

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.." ~ Isaiah 61:10

Many lessons have been learnt since then. 

Now I seek to dress differently. 

To clothe myself in His robe of righteousness instead of a garment of shame

To put on love as it has been put on me by His loving hands

To put greater store on my inner rather than outer appearance

To see myself as God sees me in Christ

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance.." ~ Isaiah 61:7

Jesus,

You bled scarlet for us

as you willingly hung on a cross. 

Threads of compassion

and love ran down,

flowing freely, unhindered,

so that we could be set free

from our shame, pain and disgrace 

and learn to live and love 

as you created us to.

Thank You for such love, 

such grace beyond compare

which is poured out for us

day by day

Amen.

I am linking here with Tanya and the 'Concrete Words' series

If you like what you read, I'd love you to leave a comment.

You can stay in touch by signing up for e-mail or liking my Facebook page

May God's love, grace and peace surround you until we meet again.

Becoming

Go on, you know you can't resist it. You just have to sneak a look. Who doesn't want to at least check on their appearance from time to time? If only to have a running dialogue with themselves such as:

• I look a fright
• My hair's a mess
• Are those toothpaste smears?
• Oops, that's not straight
• Where did THAT come from?
• Oh bother, lipstick on my teeth again
• Must be the light, I can't look that bad, can I?

Who knows, it might be one of those flattering mirrors that don't leave you looking zombie-like or washed out and ill. Rather it enhances your natural radiance and perception of how you appear. If Only. 

Living as we do in a world where everyone and everything is judged on appearance, it is all too easy to feel unlovely and irrelevant if we fail to match up to society's ideals. Instead of simply cleaning the mirror, we may want to erase the unwanted image we see reflected there.

But that's not the full picture. The REAL you isn't found in the mirror. That's just your face and body

In our youth and beauty oriented and celebrated society we often set such store on appearance that we miss what is Really Important. This is something I have to remind myself of on a regular basis. Having had chronic illness for over 20 years with M.E and other conditions, there is no doubt that the side-effects of insomnia, continual exhaustion, pain and taking frequent medication  - never mind the natural ageing process and menopause - are clearly visible in my external appearance. 

I seldom look into a mirror these days without lamenting about where the person I used to be has disappeared to. She can't be that woman with exhaustion etched into her face, grey pallor, permanent dark circles, pouches under her eyes and ropey hair, can she? How I look on the outside doesn't match how I feel on the inside. My spirit still feels young and vibrant.

The background I grew up in gave me cause to feel insecure because I had a dysfunctional childhood and our parents made unfair comparisons between my non-identical twin sister and myself. She was dubbed the 'pretty one' while I had to be consoled with being the 'clever one'. Both of us struggled to live up to and then overcome our labels. Parents be aware.

Shaking off inferiority, insecurity and early years conditioning was painful but necessary and only achievable for me when I came to faith in Christ and began to see myself as He sees me.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

We tend to major on external things whereas God wants our focus to be primarily on internal ones - our heart, soul (mind, will and emotions) and spirit. 

He has already paved The Way for us to come to know Him through having a relationship with Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. Then the radiance of Christ begins to reflect in our lives as we grow in knowledge and experience of Him and His word

Amazing as it seems, God sees us as:

Acceptable

Beloved

Complete

This is who we are In Christ. It is a gradual awakening that unfolds as we place our faith and trust in Him and continue to surrender every area of our lives to His Lordship. We start on a journey of change and discovery that leads to becoming all that God intended us to be when He created us as unique, special and greatly loved by Him.

"So we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace....there's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever"

~ 2 Corinthians 4:16 -18 The Message

Back to the mirror.

These days my eyes slide towards it and I grimace, sigh resignedly and hope to find a better image next time I look. When I feel up to the task then a bit of make-up and a smile go a long way towards helping me feel better. But that's only a minor outer adjustment.

A mirror may show our current state outwardly but doesn't reveal our growing, developing and future state inwardly. Beauty is far more than skin deep. We are all subject to change, illness, ageing and eventual decay.

What we are becoming, day by day by God's grace, gives us encouragement to believe for greater change to be manifested in our lives in the future.

The process of becoming Christ-like can feel painful. For now, we are Works in Progress. It is a gradual process of transformation as our minds are renewed and lives surrendered to God.

We are exposed to God's mirror through His word and can see our faults and failings in greater detail. He will work relentlessly to achieve His purpose of making us into the image of Jesus, little by little. However, the hands that carve and shape us are tender hands of love and grace.

"And we, who with unveiled faces reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" ~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

'Becoming'

You've broken through,

infiltrated the carapace.

I feel You invading

the space

I'd called my own.

Working away purposefully

from the inside out -

yet I evade Your touch

throw off spasms

of irritation

as You make

the place 

Your home.

Chafed by events

beyond control

resistance persists in me

though a softer yielding ensues.

My naked exposure

tenderly covered by

Your mantle of Love.

I am remade, renewed,

pearlised, polished,

strong and true.

Breathing out my fears

I settle 

into the frame 

for which I was made -

a worthy container

for You.

©JoyLenton2012

Over to you:

How do you feel about the process of transformation that God is doing in your life?

What can we do that impedes or advances it?

You're very welcome to join in the discussion.

Wishing

Welcome to a time of thoughts and reflections. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I am a WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) who tries to be her authentic self in an attempt to stay real and not present a false impression.

First on the agenda today is an apology for the preponderance of negativity that has infiltrated these pages of late. I wish it hadn't been so. In fact, I would give anything for it to have been otherwise.

Recently I have been stuck in a groove where the needle keeps playing on one lone track - a plaintive melody of despondency and discouragement. Before long, I may have found despair and depression trailing me as well. These things tend to hang together.

Part of the problem is our need for continual adjustment to the world around us and the circumstances we may find ourselves in. I have been wrongly overly focused on my pain, weakness, debility (another of those awful 'd' words) and so on. 

The onset of SAD hasn't helped matters much. Light - give me light! And the clocks have gone back an hour in the UK too - and the days get shorter and darker ...etc...groan...you get the picture.

Is it still all right to moan a bit if that's how we feel? It can make us feel ashamed and guilty. Aren't Christians meant to have a joyous, happy, prosperous life after all? Or so they say. But that's only part of the whole story. Life is rarely as we might wish it to be or even anticipate.

Perhaps other women reading this will nod in sympathetic agreement that we tend to think life would be better IF ONLY.... we were - prettier, thinner, sexier, cleverer, healthier, better at all sorts of things ___ fill in the blank.

I spent many of my early years wishing things were different than they actually were. In fact, so isolated and dislocated did I feel from my family at times that I secretly wished I'd been adopted and my Real Parents would come back to get me.. .one day. My twin sister was - and still is - the main person  in my birth family that I felt 'at home' with in any way.

I longed to be accepted, understood, affirmed and appreciated - Just for Being Me. Instead, I felt lost and lonely and soon became my own worst critic.

If others didn't seem to think much of me, then why should I think much of myself?
The poem below (written many years ago when youthful hopes held sway) is an example of how I felt then.

'Wishing'

Sitting here

eyes downcast

on the virgin page,

blind thoughts 

rambling

through my mind.

Wish I could write..

wish I could do

a thousand things.

Tight concentration - 

muzzy head,

no functioning of expectant hand;

eyes stray from the sheet of

Nothingness - 

catching the eyes 

in a magnetic hold

of that Somebody Else...

Wish I could love.

©JoyLenton2012

Even now I can find myself wistfully gazing into someone else's life and wishing mine was like theirs. I read a lot of tweets and blogs because I am genuinely fascinated by people's worlds, words and opinions. Yet it can have a downside if I let it.

The danger lies in making comparisons when we really have little idea at all of what their lives are truly like - beyond what they choose to reveal, of course. I may yearn to look, think, act like, or experience the apparent richness of life which others appear to be having, rather than acknowledge that mine is mainly one of limitation, pain, sickness and challenge and has been that way for many years.

God knew what He was doing though when He purposefully and lovingly created each one of us as unique and special to Him and that's how He makes us feel once we are in relationship with Him.

While I might wish I was able to write more positively, wittily or eloquently and live more freely and fully than I am able, I am learning to accept that this thoughtful, poetic, often serious and reflective person that I am now has grown out of who God deliberately made and intended me to be and is a fruit of all that I have experienced - both good and bad.

So this is me:

• A survivor of childhood abuse and mental heath problems
• Chronically sick - yet active in my mind
• Mostly housebound - but not earthbound
• Living a limited life - with an unlimited appetite for life
• A 'work in progress' - sharing my imperfections
• Devoted to God - and eager to make Him known
• Writing from the heart - with particular empathy for the hurting

For we all have our own individual story to tell and nobody else can tell it quite like we can from our unique perspective.

This is my tiny cross-stitch contribution to life's rich tapestry. If my words resonate with just one person then it will make them worth the telling.

More thoughts on growing as a believer in Christ and developing as God intended are coming up in future posts. Meanwhile, I leave you with this quote:

"You cannot control the length of your life,

but you can control its width and depth.

You can't control the contour of your countenance,

but you can control its expression.

You can't control the other person's opportunities,

but you can grasp your own.....

Why worry about the things you cannot control?

Get busy controlling things that depend on you." ~ Myron J. Taylor

I wanted to..but

Hi,
How is your day going? I hope it is going well. This has been a week of challenge for me. I have been brought (rather uncomfortably) face to face with several of my weaknesses. 

Not only do I have an ongoing daily battle with my body when it fails to do all I would like it to, but I can also have some emotional wars going on at the same time - frequently caused by the frustration of living with constant pain and weakness and the stress it induces. I will spare you the gory details.

I like to escape for a bit by connecting through social media. Its addictive charm can weave a comforting spell over me for a while and lull me into a false sense of security. Oh look - a reply, a message, a new follower!

Until I see how energy-sapping and dangerous it can potentially be.

Our sense of worth should not depend on who reads our messages, replies, follows, affirms or ignores us that day. Otherwise we are always going to be prone to the shifting tides of opinion and casual interaction and likely to be steered off balance by seemingly being ignored and rejected at times.

So much in life - even the good things - can distract and detract from the best God has planned.

After reading the challenging post by Tanya Marlow  today (yes, on social media again) my own thoughts were thrown into disarray as I thought about God's Father heart of love and realised how the desire to be loved and accepted never goes away, no matter how much we actually receive those things from others.

Human love is a wonderful thing to experience but it's also likely to be subject to change, inconsistent, unsatisfactory, unfaithful, weak and insubstantial - no matter how hard we may work at it. Our own backgrounds, family experiences, insecurities and inadequacies can hold us back from fully giving and receiving love.

We still have to trust others to be faithful and true and trust ourselves to love similarly

The poem that follows (written some time ago but still applicable here) highlights the way some of us may perceive ourselves, particularly when wanting to be seen in our best light by the person whose opinion we value most. 

It  highlights the need to reach out, knowing our imperfections, and feeling we can never measure up to the expectations of others - or indeed our own.

So it is good to know that as we step out in faith to relate to God we can be reassured that He knows all our faults and failings, loves us anyway (but too much to leave us unchanged) and has provided all the security we'll ever need in life through knowing Him

'I wanted to..but'

I wanted to present to you

a lover -

undefiled and whole

with flesh like grass

inviting inspection,

pure and eager

for your reaching arms.

I wanted to present to you

a mind

unclotted by the mud-pied 

clogginess of doubt

distrust

free from fettered cares - 

a pliant, strong,

unwaveringly clever partner

to your own.

I wanted to present to you

a heart,

a soul's yearning sigh

so full and undivided

caught up in 

the meshes of your love

and pulsating 

in full response -

reflecting 

only harmony.

I wanted to present to you

Perfection,

but sadly lacked 

in any.

And so I gave

with weary recognition -

myself.

©JoyLenton2012

Labels

Hi,
Today's focus is on labels.
Now, just in case you think you may have inadvertently stumbled onto a sartorially savvy fashionista site by mistake - and are hastily checking your clothing/bags/items in general for their worthiness or otherwise - let me hasten to reassure you it's not those sort of labels I have in mind.

Though society is, indeed, always trying to pigeon-hole us in terms of what we wear, or by our appearance, actions, words and deeds. It can become very wearying trying to figure out just what we might be representing by such things.

Perhaps it's easier by far to opt out and try not to reveal our tastes, interests or desires?

After all, who wants to be held up to potential public scrutiny or ridicule?

When I joined Twitter I hesitated for a bit over my 'profile'. How do you sum up the essence of yourself in a few choice words? An impossible task, or so it seemed.

Unlike the labels pictured above, our 'labels' do not give 100% information about who we are

Believe it or not, it was especially difficult to admit to being an M.E sufferer - mainly because I have tried for many years not to let the fact that I have M.E define who I am. It was already a creeping, invasive leach on my energy and strength - a sapper of stamina and stealer of all career hopes and dreams. 

Why should I allow it to steal my identity as well? But now, I am glad I was persuaded to add it to the picture because it has opened a door for expressing the side of me as someone who has Chronic Illness and is living and thriving despite and (more bizarrely perhaps) because of it.

Twenty years of life cannot be ignored or swept away - sharing is more profitable than hiding

In having M.E I am well placed to describe its affects, discuss its limitations, sympathise and empathise with other sufferers - and 'trace the rainbow through the rain' in terms of coping with it. This perspective is, sadly, far from unique. 

But, although there are certain shared cardinal symptoms, each person's journey is different and the experience of living with and dealing with it will be their own.

In my poetry and in this blog I am endeavouring to share myself - warts and all - with the aim to connect, enlighten,  inform and hopefully reveal the unexpected fruit of creativity that being virtually housebound has unleashed in me -  and which I now unleash on you, 'Dear Reader' (or 'Accidental Tourist' here perhaps - and very welcome all the same!) Oops, I'm at it too. Labelling you already - sorry.

If I was being pigeon-holed and put into a box by others then I would want it to be like this picture

Don't we all deserve to be handled in this manner?

That is not to say we consider ourselves too delicate, weak or fragile to be given due consideration or respect. Being spoken to or treated condescendingly is never a good thing. It's the 'handle with care' aspect that is applicable to us all in terms of being non-judgemental and accepting of one another.

Yet so many of us have been given labels we neither want nor deserve or we pin them on ourselves to explain to others what we feel we are or what we have done

Looking back at my own 'profile' a few months down the line I wonder if it still fits me? Well, I am still a wife, mother, ME sufferer, avid reader (energy and time allowing), poet, blogger, communicator and full-time follower of Jesus. All present and correct - even if the boundaries between the various roles and interests are blurred at times.

Yet the full essence of who I am is not caught in a few words, any more than is true for you

Some days various facets of my life and personality demand priority.

In an effort to respect this (and avoid the label of 'predictable') I am spreading out my interests.

So you may see my tweets or click to read this blog and find just the poet in residence.

Another time it will be the communicator, deep thinker and reflector.

A person keen to share her spiritual journey.

Then again you may find the M.E sufferer touching base with you.

Perhaps the encourager or exhorter will appear.

Or the woman with a sense of fun and humour

It may be a mixture of them all on any given day.

Whatever it may be, I am still being true to myself and will be encouraging you to keep it real too.

Hopefully I will have got you thinking. There will be more on this topic to come.

Perhaps you are fighting to get rid of a 'label' - self-imposed or otherwise - or really want to gain a new one?

Please feel free to share your thoughts here

Moving on ..experiencing change

Hi,
Welcome to my 'School of Thoughts'.

Have you bought an apple for the teacher? Actually, any fruit will do. I'm not fussy. But I have a confession to make - I'm not really a teacher, either, although it does run in the family. There is no homework to do and any 'lesson' you receive from these words is incidental.

Back to the picture here. It reminds us that some young people are getting ready to meet and greet their new teacher for the first time and may be viewing it with a mixture of excitement and trepidation - as indeed may their parents. It will bring a whole host of changes to their lives, some of which may be welcome and others not.

Change - what does that word conjure up for you?

Perhaps you embrace it gratefully
Perhaps you dread it
Perhaps you feel alternately scared and happy about it

A lot depends on the type of change and whether or not you have had any say in the matter.

When I developed M.E. over 20 years ago I was ill-prepared for how my life would change from the one I had envisaged and hoped for. Subsequent health problems steered me even further from my hopes and dreams.

What has helped me is summed up in this:

'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us' ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Change can be very unsettling. The familiar can be reassuring and comforting.

We all need a place to feel safe and secure and people we can trust. That place can be our inner life with God - an anchor of stability in life's ever-changing circumstances.

We can have great turmoil going on around us yet be at peace because God either calms and quietens us in the midst of the storms or may indeed remove them if He chooses. This promise remains though:

'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid' ~ John 14:27

Here are a few suggestions for what the process of change may involve:

• Courage
• Hope
• Adaptation
• New - ways of thinking, doing, being
• Grit - and determination to see it through
• Energy - and enthusiasm helps

I'm sure you can think of many more - all suggestions welcome!

The poem below reflects the experience of leaving school but it could also be viewed as moving from any place where the leaving is final and the leave-taking is without choice. It was written with a degree of trepidation for facing the future, at a time before I fully trusted the One who holds the future in His hands.

'Reflections on Leaving School'

Barriers down -

They

shut me out

of their personal

prisons;

bars, locks,

bolts

of bitter regret.

Nothing

can chain the feeling

that 

walls are alive.

Places 

speak to me,

softly whispering

"Good-bye".

Do heartaches,

hopes

and inspirations

wither - 

or do they

endure

beyond this

Uniformed

sky?

©JoyLenton2012