Celebrating a man and a marriage

Nobody really knows the inside story of a relationship apart from the two people involved in it.

Our marriage certainly didn't look like a marriage made in heaven from the outset.

I had a troubled, dysfunctional childhood, my parents were divorced and my future mother-in-law clearly disapproved of her son's choice.

We had only been dating for a few months when he proposed to me.

The look of shock-horror on her face when we announced our engagement was testimony to her feelings and a deep concern to me and my fragile self-esteem.

For I came from the wrong side of the tracks and was not the wife she'd envisaged for her youngest son. My background was predominantly working class and impoverished. I was also a loose canon spiritually  as I came to faith in a Pentecostal church - horrors for a staunch Evangelical such as she was.

And I was a young woman carrying far too much baggage from her past. Altogether an unsuitable choice, apart from the fact he clearly adored me ....foolish boy.

Plus, we married in indecent haste (in her eyes) and really should have waited until I'd completed my nurse training and he had secured gainful employment after leaving university.

But we were young, deeply in love, full of optimism and enthusiasm and committed to making this work.

As we said our vows (the old-fashioned kind), little did we know how taking one another 'in sickness and in health' would lead to far more years with the latter than the former.

So my mother-in-law was probably right to be at least a little bit doubtful that this union would go the distance.

Even though she was basing her reservations on the knowledge she had then, not on what would happen in the months and years to come.

My Philosopher husband would have to call upon supernatural reserves of patience, perseverance and endurance to cope with the life we had waiting ahead of us.

Not one that either of us signed up for.

But our reality, nevertheless.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law and I became close over time and genuine love and trust eventually bloomed between us. She was a tremendous help and support when our first son was born and she absolutely doted on both grandsons, as they did on her.

Now, as my husband and I celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary, I do so with a tribute to the wonderful man I am so privileged to be married to.

For I wouldn't be half the woman I am today if he hadn't stuck by me and continued to pour his love into my heart and life - as he still does every single day.

Here's to you, sweetheart, beloved husband and greatest friend....

My beloved

My beloved is like no other

He is chief confidant, encourager,

best friend, counsellor and lover

He has become house-husband

carer, chef, chauffeur, gardener,

joy bringer, helper and life sharer

My beloved is like no other

He takes broken confidence

trust and low self-esteem,

tenderly gathers the pieces

and patiently reveals

a scene, picture of wholeness

the best I can be in God's eyes

though pain and sickness conceal it

Laid out before him

my fractured heart, body and life

are now objects of beauty

become companion and wife

as he looks at me with Christ-eyes

of compassion, understanding and patience

enough to cover all trouble and strife

My beloved is like no other

in his desire to see me healed

from the chains of the past

and the part he has played

in bringing to pass the day

when a new me is revealed

Meanwhile, he gives and loves

unselfishly, requiring only

that I respond with the best

of my limited ability

as body, mind, every part

gladly submits to his love

which fills and overflows my heart

©JoyLenton2013

And if our marriage didn't look as if it was a match made in heaven, we have relied heavily on heaven's resources to keep it going.

There have always been three people in our relationship. It has been greatly enhanced and strengthened by placing our lives, faith and trust in God. 

He never leaves us nor forsakes us and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Without God's presence, input, enabling and equipping we wouldn't have made it past the first year, never mind get this far

He gives us love for one another every day, plus a continual outpouring of grace to cope with tough times.

I know I have been amazingly blessed in the husband that was chosen for me. I am eternally grateful to him for sticking with me and to God for giving him the faithfulness and patient endurance to do so.

And, just as a closing thought, I'd like to encourage you to be aware of the important relationships in your life and consider how much God has blessed you too. 

It may not be a life partner or children, but each of us usually has someone influencing and impacting our lives in a positive way.

If you do, then it is good to tell them how much you care about and appreciate them being there for you. You don't have to wait until it's an anniversary or special occasion.

How about today? 

PS:Just in case you were wondering:

• The rings pictured are a replica of our own wedding rings when shiny and new
• My beloved's photograph was taken on our wedding day
• This post is one of the "here's one I made earlier" variety prepared in advance, left to marinade, stirred, seasoned and served up on the appropriate occasion
• A printed copy of the poem made its way into my husband's card this morning

Linking here with Missional Women Faith Filled Friday. You are very welcome to join in.

To stay in touch with my posts you can subscribe by e-mail, connect with me on Twitter or like my Facebook page

Love hurts

Appearances can be deceptive

From the outside our lives and loves can look blissful or blessed at least

But inside they may be slowly dying

To love is to live as God intended

It comes with His recommendation

It promises so much

Love can bring us the deepest joy or most searing pain - sometimes both together

The lyrics below show how fragile love can be and how easily hurt or harmed by a careless word or gesture. 

They are taken from a song entitled:'You always hurt the one you love' (written by Allen Roberts, music by Doris Fisher and made famous by many artists) You can click on the link above to hear Michael Buble's version.

"You always hurt the one you love, 

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

and crush it till the petals fall"

Outwardly, my Other Half could be viewed as a weak, indecisive, fear-filled man. After experiencing several serious losses throughout his life and a complete mental health breakdown 8 years ago (from which he is still recovering), you could say, in many ways, that the description holds true.

However, if they could know and see him as I do then they would be viewing someone who exemplifies the patiently persevering, enduring, faithful, self-sacrificing, lavish, grace-filled love of Jesus to me better than anyone I know

He has laid down his life, denied himself and carried a heavy cross for the last 30 + years. Now his whole frame buckles under the weight of it, with a heart that feels crushed and torn. Eyes fill, and he is drowning in sadness and sorrow. His lot is the heart-sick burden of hope deferred beyond endurance - and I am largely the cause of it.

This wonderful man (who I shall call The Philosopher - for such is his propensity to deeply ponder life's great truths) is looking to me to mend that breaking heart, pour love back into it and restore what was lost.

He is mostly looking to God for those things, but his dearest wish is for me to supply them. No matter how much I love him (and I do - desperately), my ability to return his love is greatly impaired and has been for many years. And it's breaking my own heart too.

We didn't go into this marriage blind.

The Philosopher's eyes were open to the fact that I came with a lot of baggage. In fact, I had so much of it that I really needed a large trailer to put it in - and we're not talking about clothes here.

I was a wounded young woman who had already experienced the dark side: being the product of an affair, an unwanted baby, abused emotionally and sexually in my childhood, neglected, from a broken home...you get the picture.

Though my fragility and instability were drawn like a moth to the flame of God's love in Christ as I accepted His invitation to come, be cleansed and renewed at the age of 17. 

For the duration of our courtship, God was very much first in my life and my husband-to-be a close second. The shadows of my past were safely locked away in a box marked 'No Access' and I lived briefly and gloriously with freedom, love and laughter - in blissful ignorance of what was to come.

My father died 2 months before our wedding day.

Two months into the marriage and I was a complete wreck undergoing a nervous breakdown that tested The Philosopher's love and faithfulness to the extreme.

My personality and relationship splintered into tiny fragments which have taken years to piece together again and are still a work in progress - by the grace of God 

The honeymoon was short-lived indeed. Little did we know there would be no return to those halcyon days.

Much more could be said. Maybe one day I will write a book about it all.

For now, I am sharing my story because it is the one God has given and allowed me to experience, and some of it may help others to see that they are not alone with their pain or to count their blessings if these things are alien to them

Too much gets swallowed down or left ignored.

Too many Christians believe the lie that they have to have-it all-together or at least look as if they do.

I share because it refuses to be silenced and is currently impacting my life in a big way. 

Wounds unhealed only fester beneath the surface. Sometimes what we want to write and say conflicts with the story unique to us.

This one is screaming out to be heard - whether I want it to be or not - this is part of who I am, my story and my life.

Some may want to turn away from what they perceive as 'dirty laundry' being aired in public. Others will feel a leap of recognition in their hearts and whisper soft "You too?"

We are still living with the consequences of it.

This year I am in pursuit of my God-sized dream. It is slowly dawning on me that God doesn't do things by halves. Before I can embrace the new, He has to gently tear down what is hampering my progress in moving forward.

God renews us from the inside out.

You can't build strong with a weak foundation. A shaky edifice will soon crumble

I am partnering with God in the process that will "rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated" ~ (Isaiah 61:4) so that I can be part of His great promise:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs" ~ Isaiah 61:7

How I long for that day! Meanwhile, we seek to live and love as openly and freely as we are capable of, knowing that only God can love us perfectly. He enables and equips us to love others better when we surrender to His ways.

A Prayer:

Father,

We come to you as we are, as You bid us to come

No pretence. No false illusions.

We are needy people 
who desire above all to know You 
right here in the messiness of our lives.

It can feel and be so overwhelming at times

as the chains of the past hold us captive,

the pain of the present can blind us to Your Presence.

Come into the darkness of our hearts, lives and situations

Bring Your hope, healing, grace and mercy

Restore what is lost

Deliver us from discouragement and despair

Flood us with light and love

Encourage our hearts

Equip us to change

Make us new

Amen

Until we meet again, may you know His abiding Presence and peace in all circumstances and continue to pursue His best for your lives. 

You can also connect with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter

I wanted to..but

Hi,
How is your day going? I hope it is going well. This has been a week of challenge for me. I have been brought (rather uncomfortably) face to face with several of my weaknesses. 

Not only do I have an ongoing daily battle with my body when it fails to do all I would like it to, but I can also have some emotional wars going on at the same time - frequently caused by the frustration of living with constant pain and weakness and the stress it induces. I will spare you the gory details.

I like to escape for a bit by connecting through social media. Its addictive charm can weave a comforting spell over me for a while and lull me into a false sense of security. Oh look - a reply, a message, a new follower!

Until I see how energy-sapping and dangerous it can potentially be.

Our sense of worth should not depend on who reads our messages, replies, follows, affirms or ignores us that day. Otherwise we are always going to be prone to the shifting tides of opinion and casual interaction and likely to be steered off balance by seemingly being ignored and rejected at times.

So much in life - even the good things - can distract and detract from the best God has planned.

After reading the challenging post by Tanya Marlow  today (yes, on social media again) my own thoughts were thrown into disarray as I thought about God's Father heart of love and realised how the desire to be loved and accepted never goes away, no matter how much we actually receive those things from others.

Human love is a wonderful thing to experience but it's also likely to be subject to change, inconsistent, unsatisfactory, unfaithful, weak and insubstantial - no matter how hard we may work at it. Our own backgrounds, family experiences, insecurities and inadequacies can hold us back from fully giving and receiving love.

We still have to trust others to be faithful and true and trust ourselves to love similarly

The poem that follows (written some time ago but still applicable here) highlights the way some of us may perceive ourselves, particularly when wanting to be seen in our best light by the person whose opinion we value most. 

It  highlights the need to reach out, knowing our imperfections, and feeling we can never measure up to the expectations of others - or indeed our own.

So it is good to know that as we step out in faith to relate to God we can be reassured that He knows all our faults and failings, loves us anyway (but too much to leave us unchanged) and has provided all the security we'll ever need in life through knowing Him

'I wanted to..but'

I wanted to present to you

a lover -

undefiled and whole

with flesh like grass

inviting inspection,

pure and eager

for your reaching arms.

I wanted to present to you

a mind

unclotted by the mud-pied 

clogginess of doubt

distrust

free from fettered cares - 

a pliant, strong,

unwaveringly clever partner

to your own.

I wanted to present to you

a heart,

a soul's yearning sigh

so full and undivided

caught up in 

the meshes of your love

and pulsating 

in full response -

reflecting 

only harmony.

I wanted to present to you

Perfection,

but sadly lacked 

in any.

And so I gave

with weary recognition -

myself.

©JoyLenton2012