Thirsty

During the run up to Easter I find myself feeling adrift. I haven't been well enough (as usual) this year to attend any church services, spend special time with family or friends, nor to engage with all the usual paraphernalia such as buying cards, eggs, flowers, and celebration food.

Even my good intentions over Lent have fallen foul of my frailty.

No observance fully kept, no meditation continued, no readings completed. 

I have failed in every way to observe Easter.

Or have I?

Is it about the special services, the trappings around the edges, or something else?

As I read the biblical accounts of the crucifixion recently, I came to three words that stopped me in my tracks:

"I am thirsty"

Jesus speaks these words in John's gospel (John 19:28). 

In order to address the perceived physical need - unsurprising with outstretched limbs impaled to a cross in the heat of the day - He is offered a sponge soaked in sour wine (vinegar) to sip from. What seems like a generous gesture is both inadequate and insulting.

With thirst left unquenched, the Son of God is made to partake more of humanity's bitterness and gall as He hangs dying on the cross, poured out like a drink offering for our sake.

This act is preceded by Jesus calling out, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?" which is translated as "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34 - 36)

Which suggests Jesus had not only an understandable physical thirst, but also an emotional and relational one. For the first time ever, as He took upon Himself the sin of the whole world, His holy, righteous Father could not look upon or be in fellowship with Him. 

Their intimate, loving union and communion was broken. And I think that must have broken Jesus' heart. I believe He thirsted, even in that relatively short time, for all that He had known before.

Instead of the personal intimacy of 'Abba, Father', Jesus now addresses His Father as 'God', indicating the temporary loss of what He had always experienced - unending closeness and intimacy.

In taking on humanity's sin, Jesus endured that painful separation so that we could become reconciled to God and able to be in relationship with Him as our loving heavenly Father.

I have thirsted for many things in my life:approval, great relationships, fulfilment and comfort, good career prospects and material success.

These days, the thing I tend to thirst for most is greater health and strength.

All of the things mentioned above are fleeting and subject to change.

The fundamentals of life we require above all - Acceptance, Love, Security and Safety -  are, however, fully met in relationship with God.

I think of Jesus coming out of the river Jordan after He has been baptised by John, and continue to link Him inextricably with a river of life, hope and faith, that runs through us now by His Spirit.

We see Him offering Living Water to the Samaritan woman in John 4:1 - 26  (you can read the full account by clicking on the link). 

At the start of their conversation, Jesus requests a drink from her as she is at the well drawing water. Do we ever stop to think how Jesus, our Living Water, may thirst now?

Perhaps He is thirsting for:

Our time

Our attention

Our company

Our love

This Easter, as we ponder the deep meaning of the cross, empty tomb and Resurrection Morn, maybe enjoying church and family celebrations, let us take a moment to consider what ways Jesus may be desiring us to be in relationship with Him.

Even if we know Him now.

Even if we follow Him.

Even as we read His word.

Even as we fellowship together.

Is He our main focus?

Is His presence the one thing we are thirsting for above anything else?

A Prayer

Dear Lord, 
We have no difficulty seeing our need of the things you offer us;
Your mercy, grace and forgiveness are what we long for
and our souls require daily watering by Your word and Spirit.

Yet our hearts can fail and quail at the thought of you wanting something in return.

What can we give to You that You do not already possess?

We offer our hearts,

we offer our lives,

we offer our thanksgiving,

adoration, prayer and praise,

service and sentiments.

Then we hear you saying,

"I miss you. Come and be with Me"

"I love you. Come and lean on Me"

"I desire to help and heal you. Come and rest in Me"

"I have much to teach you. Learn from Me"

"I long to hear your voice. Speak with Me"
For in our busyness we can fail to spend time in Your Presence.

Whatever You are saying, Lord,

give us ears to hear,

hearts to respond,

spirits that are willing

and souls that delight to be with You - always.

Amen.

Points to ponder:

What does Easter symbolise for you?

Is there a way you can make it more meaningful and special?

I'd love you to share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Joy-bringers

There are many joy-bringers in my life.

For instance, I love...curling up with a good book, drinking coffee with friends, reading and writing poetry, watching the sun set, sniffing sea air, laughter, company, solitude, connecting, meals with friends and family. Some of these are easily achievable now, others must wait for the right timing.

What it comes down to is that while I derive great satisfaction and pleasure from many little things, and enjoy tremendously having a creative writing outlet, it is relationships that provide me with the greatest joy and pleasure.

I delight most in family and friends, knowing and being known, loving and being loved. God's purpose is for us to be in relationship with one another and primarily with Him.

In thinking about Holley's question this week:"What brings you joy, especially when it comes to your God-sized dream?" I have been considering an aspect of joy that doesn't easily come to mind. Like this verse:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" ~ James 1:2 - 4  

Really? in trials? How is that possible? We can be so downcast by our concerns that despair takes over instead. The natural reaction is to be upset, discouraged, angry even.

God may be in control but we feel anything but. Too much pain to even think straight.

This is joy - but not as we know it. It is evidence of Holy Spirit's presence in our hearts

"Joy is not gush. Joy is not mere jolly-ness. Joy is perfect acquiescence - acceptance, rest - in God's will, whatever comes. And that is so, only for the soul that delights in God" ~ Amy Carmichael

God-shaped joy transcends circumstances - it is mysterious, wonderful and liberating.

When our circumstances are far from joyful, we can discover it afresh in recognising how we are held, kept, strengthened and comforted in our hour of need. 

His presence is what stabilises our see-saw emotions and gives grace to cope just one more day, then the next, and so on, and provides the means to endure or overcome.

"Some of God's best gifts must be unwrapped in the darkness. Think of your last major trial. What "good thing" did the Lord slip into your hands in those difficult days?" ~ Joni Eareckson Tada 'Daily Devotionals'

The joy we have is in casting our cares and burdens on the Lord, safe in the knowledge He is dealing with them and granting us grace to rest easy.

The prayer below is written to celebrate what brings me joy on my God-sized Dream journey and life in general. 

Joy Is..walking with Him

Dear Father,

It seems strange to think that our afflictions can be joy-bringers. 

Yet I know, that without mine I would lead a selfish, disconnected life and be all the poorer for losing such deep, need-driven, daily dependence on your grace and mercy.

For, in love, You have given us joy in knowing You, joy in living with Your constant presence, and joy in the persevering, enduring and overcoming of our pain and sorrow.

We are made to dream big dreams, to believe for the impossible, 

to see Your hand at work bringing life from what seems dead.

This year, a dream was laid on my heart. I have dared to hope for a life beyond the everyday and ordinary. 

A seed of hope has been sown, liberally watered by the encouragement of those who accompany me on this journey. Their interest and support have helped the fragile seed to grow.

You knew I lacked the courage to walk this path alone.

You knew I would give up without a word to cheer me on.

You knew my fears and failings would make me falter.

My weakness would make me wilt.

My pain would bring a halt to participating.

And You gave...as You always do... liberally, freely, graciously.

You gave me sisters in solidarity, 

hope in hearing their own hearts beat to a tune of Your choosing,

peace in pursuing purpose,

strength in sharing,

courage in creativity,

all helping me to be here now -

still walking in faith, still writing, 

still living and believing for great things to come. 

For You are a Rewarder of those who diligently seek You.
And that's my goal, day after day, week after week, month after month;
 for the Giver of all good gifts does not disappoint us.
You created this journey, set us on the path, walk with us every step of the way,
 and hold out hands to guide toward the finishing line where a great crowd of witnesses will greet and cheer. For all these things and Your many mercies we thank you.

Amen.

"When large numbers of people share their joy in common, the happiness of each is greater because it adds fuel to the other's flame" ~ St Augustine

My fellow God-sized dreamers have brought me joy in the sharing, caring, encouraging and supporting. With Holley setting us a weekly task I have been able to get into a rhythm of regular blogging on a specific subject and that's been a great discipline and challenge. 

Linking up here with Holley Gerth and the rest of the God-sized dream team

We would love you to join us and share your own journey with God this year.

What brings you the most joy in your life?

Are there positive steps you could take to increase your joy levels?

Love hurts

Appearances can be deceptive

From the outside our lives and loves can look blissful or blessed at least

But inside they may be slowly dying

To love is to live as God intended

It comes with His recommendation

It promises so much

Love can bring us the deepest joy or most searing pain - sometimes both together

The lyrics below show how fragile love can be and how easily hurt or harmed by a careless word or gesture. 

They are taken from a song entitled:'You always hurt the one you love' (written by Allen Roberts, music by Doris Fisher and made famous by many artists) You can click on the link above to hear Michael Buble's version.

"You always hurt the one you love, 

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

and crush it till the petals fall"

Outwardly, my Other Half could be viewed as a weak, indecisive, fear-filled man. After experiencing several serious losses throughout his life and a complete mental health breakdown 8 years ago (from which he is still recovering), you could say, in many ways, that the description holds true.

However, if they could know and see him as I do then they would be viewing someone who exemplifies the patiently persevering, enduring, faithful, self-sacrificing, lavish, grace-filled love of Jesus to me better than anyone I know

He has laid down his life, denied himself and carried a heavy cross for the last 30 + years. Now his whole frame buckles under the weight of it, with a heart that feels crushed and torn. Eyes fill, and he is drowning in sadness and sorrow. His lot is the heart-sick burden of hope deferred beyond endurance - and I am largely the cause of it.

This wonderful man (who I shall call The Philosopher - for such is his propensity to deeply ponder life's great truths) is looking to me to mend that breaking heart, pour love back into it and restore what was lost.

He is mostly looking to God for those things, but his dearest wish is for me to supply them. No matter how much I love him (and I do - desperately), my ability to return his love is greatly impaired and has been for many years. And it's breaking my own heart too.

We didn't go into this marriage blind.

The Philosopher's eyes were open to the fact that I came with a lot of baggage. In fact, I had so much of it that I really needed a large trailer to put it in - and we're not talking about clothes here.

I was a wounded young woman who had already experienced the dark side: being the product of an affair, an unwanted baby, abused emotionally and sexually in my childhood, neglected, from a broken home...you get the picture.

Though my fragility and instability were drawn like a moth to the flame of God's love in Christ as I accepted His invitation to come, be cleansed and renewed at the age of 17. 

For the duration of our courtship, God was very much first in my life and my husband-to-be a close second. The shadows of my past were safely locked away in a box marked 'No Access' and I lived briefly and gloriously with freedom, love and laughter - in blissful ignorance of what was to come.

My father died 2 months before our wedding day.

Two months into the marriage and I was a complete wreck undergoing a nervous breakdown that tested The Philosopher's love and faithfulness to the extreme.

My personality and relationship splintered into tiny fragments which have taken years to piece together again and are still a work in progress - by the grace of God 

The honeymoon was short-lived indeed. Little did we know there would be no return to those halcyon days.

Much more could be said. Maybe one day I will write a book about it all.

For now, I am sharing my story because it is the one God has given and allowed me to experience, and some of it may help others to see that they are not alone with their pain or to count their blessings if these things are alien to them

Too much gets swallowed down or left ignored.

Too many Christians believe the lie that they have to have-it all-together or at least look as if they do.

I share because it refuses to be silenced and is currently impacting my life in a big way. 

Wounds unhealed only fester beneath the surface. Sometimes what we want to write and say conflicts with the story unique to us.

This one is screaming out to be heard - whether I want it to be or not - this is part of who I am, my story and my life.

Some may want to turn away from what they perceive as 'dirty laundry' being aired in public. Others will feel a leap of recognition in their hearts and whisper soft "You too?"

We are still living with the consequences of it.

This year I am in pursuit of my God-sized dream. It is slowly dawning on me that God doesn't do things by halves. Before I can embrace the new, He has to gently tear down what is hampering my progress in moving forward.

God renews us from the inside out.

You can't build strong with a weak foundation. A shaky edifice will soon crumble

I am partnering with God in the process that will "rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated" ~ (Isaiah 61:4) so that I can be part of His great promise:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs" ~ Isaiah 61:7

How I long for that day! Meanwhile, we seek to live and love as openly and freely as we are capable of, knowing that only God can love us perfectly. He enables and equips us to love others better when we surrender to His ways.

A Prayer:

Father,

We come to you as we are, as You bid us to come

No pretence. No false illusions.

We are needy people 
who desire above all to know You 
right here in the messiness of our lives.

It can feel and be so overwhelming at times

as the chains of the past hold us captive,

the pain of the present can blind us to Your Presence.

Come into the darkness of our hearts, lives and situations

Bring Your hope, healing, grace and mercy

Restore what is lost

Deliver us from discouragement and despair

Flood us with light and love

Encourage our hearts

Equip us to change

Make us new

Amen

Until we meet again, may you know His abiding Presence and peace in all circumstances and continue to pursue His best for your lives. 

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