Love hurts

Appearances can be deceptive

From the outside our lives and loves can look blissful or blessed at least

But inside they may be slowly dying

To love is to live as God intended

It comes with His recommendation

It promises so much

Love can bring us the deepest joy or most searing pain - sometimes both together

The lyrics below show how fragile love can be and how easily hurt or harmed by a careless word or gesture. 

They are taken from a song entitled:'You always hurt the one you love' (written by Allen Roberts, music by Doris Fisher and made famous by many artists) You can click on the link above to hear Michael Buble's version.

"You always hurt the one you love, 

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

and crush it till the petals fall"

Outwardly, my Other Half could be viewed as a weak, indecisive, fear-filled man. After experiencing several serious losses throughout his life and a complete mental health breakdown 8 years ago (from which he is still recovering), you could say, in many ways, that the description holds true.

However, if they could know and see him as I do then they would be viewing someone who exemplifies the patiently persevering, enduring, faithful, self-sacrificing, lavish, grace-filled love of Jesus to me better than anyone I know

He has laid down his life, denied himself and carried a heavy cross for the last 30 + years. Now his whole frame buckles under the weight of it, with a heart that feels crushed and torn. Eyes fill, and he is drowning in sadness and sorrow. His lot is the heart-sick burden of hope deferred beyond endurance - and I am largely the cause of it.

This wonderful man (who I shall call The Philosopher - for such is his propensity to deeply ponder life's great truths) is looking to me to mend that breaking heart, pour love back into it and restore what was lost.

He is mostly looking to God for those things, but his dearest wish is for me to supply them. No matter how much I love him (and I do - desperately), my ability to return his love is greatly impaired and has been for many years. And it's breaking my own heart too.

We didn't go into this marriage blind.

The Philosopher's eyes were open to the fact that I came with a lot of baggage. In fact, I had so much of it that I really needed a large trailer to put it in - and we're not talking about clothes here.

I was a wounded young woman who had already experienced the dark side: being the product of an affair, an unwanted baby, abused emotionally and sexually in my childhood, neglected, from a broken home...you get the picture.

Though my fragility and instability were drawn like a moth to the flame of God's love in Christ as I accepted His invitation to come, be cleansed and renewed at the age of 17. 

For the duration of our courtship, God was very much first in my life and my husband-to-be a close second. The shadows of my past were safely locked away in a box marked 'No Access' and I lived briefly and gloriously with freedom, love and laughter - in blissful ignorance of what was to come.

My father died 2 months before our wedding day.

Two months into the marriage and I was a complete wreck undergoing a nervous breakdown that tested The Philosopher's love and faithfulness to the extreme.

My personality and relationship splintered into tiny fragments which have taken years to piece together again and are still a work in progress - by the grace of God 

The honeymoon was short-lived indeed. Little did we know there would be no return to those halcyon days.

Much more could be said. Maybe one day I will write a book about it all.

For now, I am sharing my story because it is the one God has given and allowed me to experience, and some of it may help others to see that they are not alone with their pain or to count their blessings if these things are alien to them

Too much gets swallowed down or left ignored.

Too many Christians believe the lie that they have to have-it all-together or at least look as if they do.

I share because it refuses to be silenced and is currently impacting my life in a big way. 

Wounds unhealed only fester beneath the surface. Sometimes what we want to write and say conflicts with the story unique to us.

This one is screaming out to be heard - whether I want it to be or not - this is part of who I am, my story and my life.

Some may want to turn away from what they perceive as 'dirty laundry' being aired in public. Others will feel a leap of recognition in their hearts and whisper soft "You too?"

We are still living with the consequences of it.

This year I am in pursuit of my God-sized dream. It is slowly dawning on me that God doesn't do things by halves. Before I can embrace the new, He has to gently tear down what is hampering my progress in moving forward.

God renews us from the inside out.

You can't build strong with a weak foundation. A shaky edifice will soon crumble

I am partnering with God in the process that will "rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated" ~ (Isaiah 61:4) so that I can be part of His great promise:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs" ~ Isaiah 61:7

How I long for that day! Meanwhile, we seek to live and love as openly and freely as we are capable of, knowing that only God can love us perfectly. He enables and equips us to love others better when we surrender to His ways.

A Prayer:

Father,

We come to you as we are, as You bid us to come

No pretence. No false illusions.

We are needy people 
who desire above all to know You 
right here in the messiness of our lives.

It can feel and be so overwhelming at times

as the chains of the past hold us captive,

the pain of the present can blind us to Your Presence.

Come into the darkness of our hearts, lives and situations

Bring Your hope, healing, grace and mercy

Restore what is lost

Deliver us from discouragement and despair

Flood us with light and love

Encourage our hearts

Equip us to change

Make us new

Amen

Until we meet again, may you know His abiding Presence and peace in all circumstances and continue to pursue His best for your lives. 

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