Celebrating a man and a marriage

Nobody really knows the inside story of a relationship apart from the two people involved in it.

Our marriage certainly didn't look like a marriage made in heaven from the outset.

I had a troubled, dysfunctional childhood, my parents were divorced and my future mother-in-law clearly disapproved of her son's choice.

We had only been dating for a few months when he proposed to me.

The look of shock-horror on her face when we announced our engagement was testimony to her feelings and a deep concern to me and my fragile self-esteem.

For I came from the wrong side of the tracks and was not the wife she'd envisaged for her youngest son. My background was predominantly working class and impoverished. I was also a loose canon spiritually  as I came to faith in a Pentecostal church - horrors for a staunch Evangelical such as she was.

And I was a young woman carrying far too much baggage from her past. Altogether an unsuitable choice, apart from the fact he clearly adored me ....foolish boy.

Plus, we married in indecent haste (in her eyes) and really should have waited until I'd completed my nurse training and he had secured gainful employment after leaving university.

But we were young, deeply in love, full of optimism and enthusiasm and committed to making this work.

As we said our vows (the old-fashioned kind), little did we know how taking one another 'in sickness and in health' would lead to far more years with the latter than the former.

So my mother-in-law was probably right to be at least a little bit doubtful that this union would go the distance.

Even though she was basing her reservations on the knowledge she had then, not on what would happen in the months and years to come.

My Philosopher husband would have to call upon supernatural reserves of patience, perseverance and endurance to cope with the life we had waiting ahead of us.

Not one that either of us signed up for.

But our reality, nevertheless.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law and I became close over time and genuine love and trust eventually bloomed between us. She was a tremendous help and support when our first son was born and she absolutely doted on both grandsons, as they did on her.

Now, as my husband and I celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary, I do so with a tribute to the wonderful man I am so privileged to be married to.

For I wouldn't be half the woman I am today if he hadn't stuck by me and continued to pour his love into my heart and life - as he still does every single day.

Here's to you, sweetheart, beloved husband and greatest friend....

My beloved

My beloved is like no other

He is chief confidant, encourager,

best friend, counsellor and lover

He has become house-husband

carer, chef, chauffeur, gardener,

joy bringer, helper and life sharer

My beloved is like no other

He takes broken confidence

trust and low self-esteem,

tenderly gathers the pieces

and patiently reveals

a scene, picture of wholeness

the best I can be in God's eyes

though pain and sickness conceal it

Laid out before him

my fractured heart, body and life

are now objects of beauty

become companion and wife

as he looks at me with Christ-eyes

of compassion, understanding and patience

enough to cover all trouble and strife

My beloved is like no other

in his desire to see me healed

from the chains of the past

and the part he has played

in bringing to pass the day

when a new me is revealed

Meanwhile, he gives and loves

unselfishly, requiring only

that I respond with the best

of my limited ability

as body, mind, every part

gladly submits to his love

which fills and overflows my heart

©JoyLenton2013

And if our marriage didn't look as if it was a match made in heaven, we have relied heavily on heaven's resources to keep it going.

There have always been three people in our relationship. It has been greatly enhanced and strengthened by placing our lives, faith and trust in God. 

He never leaves us nor forsakes us and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Without God's presence, input, enabling and equipping we wouldn't have made it past the first year, never mind get this far

He gives us love for one another every day, plus a continual outpouring of grace to cope with tough times.

I know I have been amazingly blessed in the husband that was chosen for me. I am eternally grateful to him for sticking with me and to God for giving him the faithfulness and patient endurance to do so.

And, just as a closing thought, I'd like to encourage you to be aware of the important relationships in your life and consider how much God has blessed you too. 

It may not be a life partner or children, but each of us usually has someone influencing and impacting our lives in a positive way.

If you do, then it is good to tell them how much you care about and appreciate them being there for you. You don't have to wait until it's an anniversary or special occasion.

How about today? 

PS:Just in case you were wondering:

• The rings pictured are a replica of our own wedding rings when shiny and new
• My beloved's photograph was taken on our wedding day
• This post is one of the "here's one I made earlier" variety prepared in advance, left to marinade, stirred, seasoned and served up on the appropriate occasion
• A printed copy of the poem made its way into my husband's card this morning

Linking here with Missional Women Faith Filled Friday. You are very welcome to join in.

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A time to speak and a time to refrain

We all tend to think of ourselves as sweet, reasonable people most of the time.

Or hope we come across that way at least.

But I know there are times when I try my husband's (extremely l..o..n..g suffering and saintly) patience to the utmost.

At times like that I wouldn't be at all surprised if he thought along the lines of the words from Proverbs below:

ImageCourtesyofLaurenDavenportatLifeandBreathandEverythingElse

When words/tiredness/hormones/stress get the better of me I know I fit this description perfectly and I don't even want to be in the same room as me.

My devoted Other Half is blessed with an inordinate amount of good-will, patience and calm, and, boy, has he needed it.

You see, hurting people tend to hurt other people, almost without noticing it.

My way is with words.

Thankfully, self-criticism more than wounding others with intent.

Though I still do and hate myself for it.

When we love someone in a marriage relationship then we co-exist and are co-joined as one flesh in the sight of God.

If I spend time spouting forth poisonous venom about myself, and occasionally leaking it over him, what does that say to my beloved?

Did he choose wrongly?

Do I have no idea how much he loves me?

Do I have no idea what damage I am doing to my own fragile self-esteem?

Don't I realise how much it wounds him to hear me speaking negatively about myself?

The sad answer is "No" and also "I can't help it" or "I didn't realise".

If I can hurt my husband in that way, then what sadness does it bring to God's Father heart to hear me lamenting about my life and flaws and failures to the extent where it sounds like griping, whining and complaining at the way He made me?

No, I'm not perfect. I'm very much a flawed and cracked pot in the Potter's hands.

ImageCourtesyofLaurenDavenportatLifeandBreathandEverythingElse

But I am also supposed to be aware of the loving way I have been crafted and designed for His service.

Thankfully, those destructive negativity moments are becoming a rarity these days as not only have I worked through and been healed emotionally of a lot of past problems, God has also given me a revelation on who I am in Christ.

And that has made a huge difference to how I see myself.

So I try (with His help) to speak words of love, comfort and encouragement into the lives of others.

To enable them to see and believe how special they are to God.

Each one of us is dearly loved and unique, equipped with individual skills and talents to live fully and freely and bless others with.

We can all learn how to do that as we truly believe it for ourselves.

There is a time to speak and a time to refrain from speaking.

Taming the tongue is hard work and will most likely take me into eternity as I seek to do it better.

But it is so worthwhile.

And if it means my husband is happy to have me by his side rather than seeking a roof-top or desert escape route, then so much the better!

******

How about you?

Are you listening to what you say about yourself?

Does it tie up with what God is saying about you in Scripture?

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Love hurts

Appearances can be deceptive

From the outside our lives and loves can look blissful or blessed at least

But inside they may be slowly dying

To love is to live as God intended

It comes with His recommendation

It promises so much

Love can bring us the deepest joy or most searing pain - sometimes both together

The lyrics below show how fragile love can be and how easily hurt or harmed by a careless word or gesture. 

They are taken from a song entitled:'You always hurt the one you love' (written by Allen Roberts, music by Doris Fisher and made famous by many artists) You can click on the link above to hear Michael Buble's version.

"You always hurt the one you love, 

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

and crush it till the petals fall"

Outwardly, my Other Half could be viewed as a weak, indecisive, fear-filled man. After experiencing several serious losses throughout his life and a complete mental health breakdown 8 years ago (from which he is still recovering), you could say, in many ways, that the description holds true.

However, if they could know and see him as I do then they would be viewing someone who exemplifies the patiently persevering, enduring, faithful, self-sacrificing, lavish, grace-filled love of Jesus to me better than anyone I know

He has laid down his life, denied himself and carried a heavy cross for the last 30 + years. Now his whole frame buckles under the weight of it, with a heart that feels crushed and torn. Eyes fill, and he is drowning in sadness and sorrow. His lot is the heart-sick burden of hope deferred beyond endurance - and I am largely the cause of it.

This wonderful man (who I shall call The Philosopher - for such is his propensity to deeply ponder life's great truths) is looking to me to mend that breaking heart, pour love back into it and restore what was lost.

He is mostly looking to God for those things, but his dearest wish is for me to supply them. No matter how much I love him (and I do - desperately), my ability to return his love is greatly impaired and has been for many years. And it's breaking my own heart too.

We didn't go into this marriage blind.

The Philosopher's eyes were open to the fact that I came with a lot of baggage. In fact, I had so much of it that I really needed a large trailer to put it in - and we're not talking about clothes here.

I was a wounded young woman who had already experienced the dark side: being the product of an affair, an unwanted baby, abused emotionally and sexually in my childhood, neglected, from a broken home...you get the picture.

Though my fragility and instability were drawn like a moth to the flame of God's love in Christ as I accepted His invitation to come, be cleansed and renewed at the age of 17. 

For the duration of our courtship, God was very much first in my life and my husband-to-be a close second. The shadows of my past were safely locked away in a box marked 'No Access' and I lived briefly and gloriously with freedom, love and laughter - in blissful ignorance of what was to come.

My father died 2 months before our wedding day.

Two months into the marriage and I was a complete wreck undergoing a nervous breakdown that tested The Philosopher's love and faithfulness to the extreme.

My personality and relationship splintered into tiny fragments which have taken years to piece together again and are still a work in progress - by the grace of God 

The honeymoon was short-lived indeed. Little did we know there would be no return to those halcyon days.

Much more could be said. Maybe one day I will write a book about it all.

For now, I am sharing my story because it is the one God has given and allowed me to experience, and some of it may help others to see that they are not alone with their pain or to count their blessings if these things are alien to them

Too much gets swallowed down or left ignored.

Too many Christians believe the lie that they have to have-it all-together or at least look as if they do.

I share because it refuses to be silenced and is currently impacting my life in a big way. 

Wounds unhealed only fester beneath the surface. Sometimes what we want to write and say conflicts with the story unique to us.

This one is screaming out to be heard - whether I want it to be or not - this is part of who I am, my story and my life.

Some may want to turn away from what they perceive as 'dirty laundry' being aired in public. Others will feel a leap of recognition in their hearts and whisper soft "You too?"

We are still living with the consequences of it.

This year I am in pursuit of my God-sized dream. It is slowly dawning on me that God doesn't do things by halves. Before I can embrace the new, He has to gently tear down what is hampering my progress in moving forward.

God renews us from the inside out.

You can't build strong with a weak foundation. A shaky edifice will soon crumble

I am partnering with God in the process that will "rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated" ~ (Isaiah 61:4) so that I can be part of His great promise:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs" ~ Isaiah 61:7

How I long for that day! Meanwhile, we seek to live and love as openly and freely as we are capable of, knowing that only God can love us perfectly. He enables and equips us to love others better when we surrender to His ways.

A Prayer:

Father,

We come to you as we are, as You bid us to come

No pretence. No false illusions.

We are needy people 
who desire above all to know You 
right here in the messiness of our lives.

It can feel and be so overwhelming at times

as the chains of the past hold us captive,

the pain of the present can blind us to Your Presence.

Come into the darkness of our hearts, lives and situations

Bring Your hope, healing, grace and mercy

Restore what is lost

Deliver us from discouragement and despair

Flood us with light and love

Encourage our hearts

Equip us to change

Make us new

Amen

Until we meet again, may you know His abiding Presence and peace in all circumstances and continue to pursue His best for your lives. 

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