On holy ground

Evidence of life was springing up all around.

I breathed deep of scent and sight.

My heart cheered by colour and lively vibrancy growing root beside me.

And on reaching the entrance to our meeting room the atmosphere hung heady with incense.

A holy cloud seemed to hover in the air, signalling mystery and invitation, its message mingling with soft smoke-curls wafting out the window.

I hesitated in the doorway and was soon met with a warm, welcoming hug and friendly smile.

We were ushered into the room where preparations were already in hand.

Little did I know how participatory the service would be, or how much it would both exhaust and exhilarate me.

My eyes were drawn to an intriguing array of musical instruments on the floor, alongside books, sheets of paper, artwork, cup and bowl at the ready to play their part.

Anticipatory excitement and nerves shot through me.

It had been way too long since I'd met with other believers like this.

It had felt like grace abounding to be able to make it out to an evening talk (on Hildegard of Bingen)  held there two days previously.

Little did I expect to be blessed to attend this Eucharist service too, partly helped by my husband's gentle persistence and assistance, and a better sleep than usual.

Two years ago, I had been offered a quiet, individual holy communion in my room by a priest when I was on retreat at All Hallows, Ditchingham.

It's been longer still since having bread and wine at my home church, because having M.E means fellowship has become more of an on-line occurrence than being physically present with others gathering together in God's presence.

Here, we read together, learnt new songs, sang (I croaked) unaccompanied, hummed (out of tune), played an instrument of our choice (I picked maracas) to a sung poem, shared art work some had done the day before, served one another bread and wine, offered praise, gave responses and a concluding peace blessing.

I sat as usual, my limbs not up to the task of rising and standing, and the more able-bodied made sure I was included in everything.

These days, attempting singing alone (even while seated) leaves me worn-out and breathless, and to have so many different things to join in with left me flat-out with fatigue as things came to a close.

Tears pricked my eyes; I didn't try to hide them. They felt fitting and releasing somehow.

I cried because... it was so overwhelming to be part of a worshipping community again, to participate in holy communion, to feel loved and accepted by soul-sister relative strangers, to unleash creative expression.

I had no strength left for anything else, could barely speak for the effort. Needed time to drink some water, wait a while and recover before I could articulate what had made me emotional.

And I sensed a touch from God as words spoken in a reading resonated in my soul.

God reminded me that I was precious to Him just as I am, and although the locusts may have stolen years and health, my latter days could be more fruitful than the former - yes, even now, late as I am to pick up a pen, master a PC, open heart and life to offer hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

As those who have walked a challenging, painful path before me could attest, these latter years can be our best yet because we finally think, "Why not?" instead of "Why me?"

Why not... write a blog, write poetry, belong to on-line communities, join in, get involved, stand up for something you feel passionate about, be generous, be compassionate, encourage, make a difference in the lives of others?

My outing revealed how little it actually takes to make me feel truly blessed (and weary), and how thankful I am for the rare occasions when I can leave the house and enjoy meeting up with people.

Just seeing the landscape unfurling before me on the drive there was a thing of wonder. Beauty wears many faces.

Holy ground is all around because God is everywhere in the normal, run-of-the-mill, prosaic and practical everyday.

Sometimes, all it takes is a special gift of grace for us to appreciate just how much He inhabits the mundane moments which we are all in danger of taking for granted.

My friend, I pray that you may sense Him in those times, hear His voice affirming His great, unconditional love for you, and open your heart to the holy ache of ordinary.

**NOTE** ~ As so often happens, first thoughts about this experience were poetic because that's my usual medium for quick expression. You can read my poem here on 'Poetry Joy'.

You're not invisible

If someone told you you're not invisible would you cringe with embarrassment and look for the nearest hole to hide in, or sigh with relief?

Much depends on what you want known or what you desire to hide.

In this over-exposed world we live in, where every celebrity sneeze is recorded and all our achievements (and the lack thereof) are public property, it's hard to melt into the margins unless we work at being separate and seek ways to come apart from the crowd.

Although, from time to time all of us can feel like ghost-shadows passing in the street as we hover around with no discernible sign of our presence being found.

Social media works fine if you want to be sociable, although it's possible to feel more isolated than ever as we get snared in the comparison trap, checking our lifestyles with one another and seeing how we fall short of the perceived ideal.

Healthy interest can soon become snide comparison, envy and jealousy.

And many feel invisible, lost and alone with their shame, pain, illness and distress. They don't desire to be ignored, yet often are.

Society has a way of stigmatising and labelling people which fails to take into account their unique human perspective, struggles and challenges.

But they are human beings just like you and me - made in God's image, precious and beloved in His sight.

They actually want nothing more than the right kind of attention:understanding and appreciation, a friendly listening ear, consideration, thoughtful and loving care.

God sees, hears, witnesses all we go through, all we are and all we're in the process of becoming. He knows our life's end from its beginning.

He extends grace and mercy toward all, especially the down-trodden, disabled, despised, destitute, discouraged and depressed.

And that's good news, isn't it? It's gospel news - liberating, life-changing and transforming.

Each moment is an opportunity to begin again.

Every day is a fresh breathing space of grace.

Our situations may remain the same; life may be a tremendous struggle just to keep head above water - and we still have this to cling to.

We are outrageously, unconditionally and mercifully loved by One who knows us better than we know ourselves, whose Spirit lives and breathes within, whose mantle of righteousness covers every stain of sin, guilt and shame.

My friend, you are not invisible to Him. Every hair on your head is counted. He doesn't miss a thing about you.

I've clung to these truths in my daily battle with M.E and chronic illness, living a life overshadowed by childhood abuse and its repercussions, experiencing profound physical weakness, pain and fatigue.

I'm aware that many misunderstand my illness, fail to see how writing a blog post may be the only active thing I can do in a day and how a simple task like taking a shower can leave me pole-axed for hours.

They may also shrink away from the painful personal things I've shared and fail to see how God equips and inspires my words to help others feel less alone with their own struggles.

Because we're all too quick to judge one another rather than stepping inside their shoes with eyes of empathy and compassion, aren't we? 

I'm not exempt. Insecurity can make me cling to what's familiar and shy away from different.

What if we tried to see others as God sees them?

How would it be if we made an effort:

To listen closely without interruption or planning what we're going to say next.

To offer time and attention.

To withhold from judgement and criticism.

To be kind.

To notice their needs.

To offer grace, forgiveness and mercy.

To pray for them and with them.

To recognise that we're all in a battle and other people are not the real enemy.

To lean heavy on grace and lightly on guilt-tripping.

To be the voice, the hands and feet of Jesus in this world.

Maybe... just maybe... we will offer His visibility and help them see how He sees them too. It's worth a try, yes? 

And as we do so we will find how deep down, at soul level, we are more alike than we knew.

Making room for rest

March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb.

On the cusp of the month I heard gentle, persuasive roarings from the Lion of Judah as He made it clear to me that I should take a blogging break.

Only here's the rub ~ it was to be for an unspecified time but definitely a month at least.

Because I was burnt out physically and mentally, in need of rest, restoration and lots and lots of sleep. 

Ideas and inspiration were still flowing freely but the energy to execute them wasn't.

So I stepped back, withdrew reasonably willingly and cheerfully.. at first. After all, God was calling me to enter His rest more deeply and fully than before. What's not to like about that?

Plenty, actually, as I soon discovered. It was hard to lay down my pen, remain silent, still my soul and surrender.

Resting turned out to be something I found very challenging - yes, even as an M.E sufferer where resting and pacing are a necessary part of life.

But this was different. This was taking resting to a whole new level.

Before I could properly rest and relax I had to discover what was blocking the process.

Letting go felt like drowning, even with my Lifeguard at hand. I'd taken off my writing shoes, padded gingerly out to sea and lost myself in waves of invisibility. 

Or at least that's how it seemed for a while. I felt isolated, lonely, bereft of the writing community's friendship and support.

However, God was drawing me into closer communion with Him. 

It sounds lovely and it was at times, but it was also painful. 

Holy ground tends to show up our dustiness, selfishness and soul depravity. All that God longs to put right in us.

Resting was far from restful for a while.

When thoughts presented themselves to me I ran with them in my eagerness to be Doing Something.

Why not journal my experience? Great idea.

Why not consider turning it into an e-book? Excellent suggestion.

Why not read several books at once? Oh yes.

Why not try my hand at other creative activities instead? Hmm.. why not?

Hence the challenge. 

I didn't become an expert on the subject but, thankfully, I did eventually learn what to listen to and what to ignore and how to evaluate what I was going through.

Here's the low down:

a) The hard facts:

• Resting is really hard work
• I totally suck at it
• My mind resists switching off
• Inner restlessness is my default position
• Calm is hard to come by
• Worry worms its way in
• Pulling away from busyness can make us doubt our purpose
• Discouragement drowns out God's voice
• Impatience makes it take longer
• I really need to learn how to do it
• I guess practise makes perfect
• I doubt I'll ever fully learn it in this lifetime

b) The golden truths:

• God wants us to enter His rest
• He calls us with gentle persuasion
• Letting go of control can be liberating
• Time in God's presence is never wasted
• Sitting at Jesus' feet aids surrender
• Listening for His voice gets easier over time
• Prompt obedience brings better results
• Inner rest promotes outer rest
• We get to exercise our faith
• It enables us to be more receptive
• It paves the way for creativity to flourish
• Realisation of our identity in Christ is heightened

I'm sure more nuggets of truth will emerge as I read through and reflect on my notes.

As it is, my slow M.E brain has taken several days to piece these words together here. Resting for a month seems to have made me rather rusty! Thank you for your grace..

But I have wondered, would it would help you to read about my experience? Maybe I will write more here or in an e-book in the future. 

It could be that my tentative searching and struggles will help others who want to 'let go and let God' but find it really difficult in some way or other. 

For now, I see how resting in God is the natural outcome and outworking of His grace. Its benefits become clearer as we begin to rest in Christ's finished work on the cross and our new identity in Him. 

My friend, maybe God has been signalling to you a need for rest. Could it be time to draw back a bit from busyness as we draw closer to Easter?

Pause a while to ponder as we walk the path of the cross with Jesus. Wonder anew at His mercy and grace as we trace His way to Calvary.

Hope springs eternal in human hearts. The cross is a rallying cry for all mankind. It is calling to you too.

The Lamb of God has come to pave the way for us to return Home to the Father's heart and find our soul's deepest rest in relationship with Him. 

Over to you

What does resting in God look like for you?

What helps or hinders the process?

Please feel free to join in with the comments below. Your words matter. Thank you. :)

A friend in need

Sometimes God answers a prayer you didn't pray.

In becoming the answer to another person's prayer, we can find our own needs addressed in ways we least expected.

It happened to me a few months ago.

The Philosopher (husband/carer/general dogsbody) and I found our health problems escalating over the last year and his ability to care for me/the household exponentially diminishing.

We felt overwhelmed and drowning, so we sought help and support from our church.

Before very long, it became clear that there was no-one both able and willing to come to our aid.

Finally, a casual conversation the Philosopher had with a friend brought a possible solution.

His wife was lonely and in need of close Christian fellowship and friendship with someone near at hand. She was also pretty nifty with an iron, vacuum cleaner and duster ~ hooray!

The couple called round unexpectedly one day to state their intent.

It was after lunch. I'd made it downstairs but I was feeling exhausted, wearing my oldest PJ's, hair awry, in need of a shower, and decidedly discomfited to be seen in such a mess.

I knew the husband pretty well but his 'late-in-life-God's-gift-of-a-wife' was almost a stranger to me. 

However, she was charming, kind and concerned. We decided to make arrangements and see how things went.

I thought if she'd already seen me (and the house) at our worst, then there wasn't much left to be concerned about, was there?

A few months down the line, and I am awed and amazed at how well it has all turned out.

Despite our different nationalities, culture, language, experiences and expectations we clicked straight away. Deep at heart, where it all counts, we are soul sisters in Christ.

Both of us know what it's like to be wounded (yes, even by fellow believers), to feel marginalised, ostracised, rejected and lonely.

Both of us needed a close, spiritual, giving and receiving, prayerful faith-sharing relationship, only she had been fervently asking for it and I was unaware of my need until I had it.

We came together cautiously and soon became good friends. Our common ground far outweighs our differences, fascinating as they are.

She knows I am an unreliable friend in terms of making definite arrangements to get together. But it's always worth it when we do, even if no housework gets done.

Although all forms of communication in general drain me considerably and have to be a paced event, our sharing time can vanish in a flash because it feeds my spirit and energises me briefly to be in her company.

She is a calming influence, a prayer support, an encourager and a great reminder of God's love and grace.

The main topic of conversation is our life with God, His goodness, mercy and amazing love, especially in the midst of life's challenges.

If you'd asked me a few months ago if I needed another female friend I would probably have said No. 

My life seemed full, rich maybe with such friends... even if the great majority are on social media due to the limitations of living with M.E and being largely housebound.

But in answering my need for help in the home, God allowed me to answer her need for friendship.

Nothing beats having a Jesus-with-skin-on real life friend and soul companion. They are precious indeed.

There may be more new friends to come who I have yet to meet, because who ever has enough genuine friends or grows out of the need to be a true friend for others?

That's the wonder of God. He knows our inmost needs before we're capable of giving them shape or thought. He is a friend in need and our best Friend indeed. 

And those inner heart cries for help? The ones we fail to voice? We can be reassured He hears, records and answers every word.

Not all answers are as unexpected as mine was, nor swift either. But we can trust God's heart even when His hand seems slow to save.

Don't give up hope, my friend. God is well aware of your needs...yes, even the most practical and prosaic ones..and will meet them in His own way and timing as you wait upon Him. 

Over to you:**How has God answered a prayer in an unexpected way for you? 

                  Have you had a new friend come into your life when you least expected it?**

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.Your words matter. I love to hear from you, even if I may be slow to reply sometimes.

Moving toward the light

I'd woken early that day, managed to catch the first tentative rays of incipient dawn breaking into the grey leaden gloom of a winter morn.

My soul was soothed by the sight of sky sighing out its pale-rose beauty.

Marvelling anew at the glory signs, my thoughts tumbled out in these poetic lines:

"Early morn
Earth speaks
with whisper
Dawn of a new day
Soft skies yawn
Make way
for silver streaks
of muted grey"

So far, Winter has wrapped itself round me like a duvet, a smothering, muffling cover. 

It's been an invitation to rest, to sleep, to recover from a month of being flu-filled, bed and housebound, hibernating and waiting for a semblance of life to return to these weary bones.

Though, no matter how weak and worn we may feel, God is always whispering through each day to ears, eyes and heart ready to receive His voice.

In the natural, my own morning-misted eyes see poorly with the softened, blurry, distorted vision of myopia, but my inner spiritual lenses enable me to see life more clearly.

I can see and sense enough to grasp that here lies invitation to embrace new beginnings, a new day, a new season, a new perspective even if only faintly seen and understood. 

Sometimes, we yearn to bring things into brighter focus, at others we are glad to see imperfectly.

Maybe prefer to turn our faces to the wall, hide in the dark, bury ourselves in anything rather than looking with a clear-eyed gaze at all that fills our lives, and all that lies beyond our current state of knowing.

We feel like we can barely handle the minutes before us, never mind hours, days, weeks or months. And who knows what the future may hold?

Life can weigh heavy and tip us sideways. It can be a real effort to remain stable.

I've felt like that lately. Have hardly had the wherewithal to face the day, let alone the next, and so on. Each one bleeding slow into another, seeping away into dark corridors of sickness and pain.

And now? I have been resting beneath the shadow of Abba Father's wings, pausing to be at peace, to receive all the comfort and protection I need from the One whom no foe can withstand. 

Externally, wintry weather persists, but internally I feel like I'm having an early Spring, a surfacing of sorts, a moving toward the light.

Hope is rising. There is (finally!) far more to life than a bed full of soggy tissues, the smell of eucalyptus and menthol permeating the air, painkillers, throat soothers and hot lemon drinks (with honey) at hand.

There is a future to this year beyond influenza. God is healing me, slowly but perceptibly. Some measure of strength and energy is returning ~ hooray!

As I come alive to life again, I have a deep gratitude for being able to breathe easy, to sniff scents other than medicinal ones, to eat with some appetite and without food tasting like cotton-wool, to have a voice that isn't always too croaky to have a conversation, or ears too blocked to hear.

My mind is ready to read a bit more, to begin to think clearly, to focus, prepare for the new things God wants to reveal to me.

Yes, I will still need to rest, pace and pause from too much interaction or busyness of mind and body to avoid relapsing. That's a given for someone with M.E and chronic illness. 

I won't stop learning more about being thankful, recording the positive in the midst of adversity, seeing God's hand at work in the everyday minutiae and being grateful for small mercies.

Because they are always there. We don't always need to put glasses on or contact lenses in to see them. He finds a way to make things clear when we look to Him and ask Him to make our hearts tender and receptive.

Dependency and weakness may feel challenging to our independent souls, whereas they can become the very vehicles God uses to reveal His goodness and grace to us most of all, an opening to deeper knowing.

"My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness" ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 (The Message) 

Over to you

How has God manifested His grace and strength to you recently?
Have you been able to see God's hand at work in your trials and tribulations?

Awakening to Advent

November fog invades my brain, stealing away brightness, coating all in its dreary gloom.

Seasons affect us more than we know. Each one leaves a footprint of their presence.

This season? My soul needs quiet, my body craves sleep and rest, my spirit thirsts after the place where I converse with God, on the doorstep of my heart.

I'm seeking after sacred pauses, making way for holy moments in the everyday.

As my health has declined over the last few months, I've needed to withdraw quite a bit from social media interaction, groups and conversations, and I've also missed the quiet times and places where my soul speaks with God.

Although it's what I've needed more than anything, it's also been a casualty of the storms of life.

'Quiet Time' ceased to be such as my fog-brained, pain-filled body yearned for sleep, became preoccupied and anxious; and praying was reduced to quick-fire cries for help.

These needs cannot be ignored. We pine and die inside without letting the Light in. Because a weary mind and body need His strength to go on, don't they?

There's a shift beneath the surface of my slow, sluggish days. A stirring toward all my soul desires to stay sane, stable and at rest.

An acknowledgement that I am lost and lonely when I fail to spend quality time with God.

I want to awaken to Advent without the world's noise intruding strong, resist its clamouring tongue and clarion call to excess consumption.

And as I try to still my heart, listen to the One whom my soul loves and runs after, I sense Him whispering these words:

"Be aware; be watchful; be prepared. The King is coming. He is with you.

Keep your eyes peeled and your heart receptive. Don't let it grow hard or cold.

 Allow a Holy longing to touch mystery seep slow into your soul and invade mind and spirit.

A new morn dawns in the history of mankind. 

A new day to rejoice and be glad, for your God is with you and He is mighty to save. 

A reason for humble thanksgiving.

Come closer. Come empty. Come freely. Come frequently. I will fill you to overflowing.

My throne room is always open to you and you will find a warm welcome here.

Spend your precious energy in seeking Me. I will refuel you.

Lavish attention on My glorious provision. I will give you all your soul longs for.

Whisper it loud. Joy is here for all to share. There are no beggars in My Kingdom.

This sacred place makes space for all who hunger and thirst for Me.

And in this season, all who seek Me with their whole heart will find Me.

There will be celebration over every soul who makes way for the King to live within.

Share your words; share your heart; share the promises fulfilled in Jesus, My Son.

Your watching, waiting and praying will have their reward.

As your heart makes room for the King of kings, it will be filled and flooded with the love, joy and peace of His presence.

Reflect on these things anew; rest in My goodness and grace, and remain in Me always"

How can we awaken anew to the watching, waiting wonder of Advent?

As well as revisiting the biblical narrative (and maybe listening to a few Christmas songs to get me in the mood!), here are some of the things I have at hand to help me in this season:

1) Re-reading 'Touching Wonder:Recapturing the Awe of Christmas' by John Blase ~ a delightful, warm way of connecting to the humanity of Advent and the Nativity via insightful words, reflection and prayer. 

2) Reading 'The Deep Place - where nobody goes:Connecting with God on the steps of my soul' by Jill Briscoe ~ and rediscovering the wonder and encouragement of being able to have a relationship and conversations with God.

3) Diving into 'Advent with St Francis:Daily Reflections' by Diane M.Houdek in an attempt to recover rest, simplicity and respect for the mystery of it all. 

4) Seeking more spiritual whitespace by returning to the insights in, 'Finding Spiritual Whitespace:Awakening Your Soul to Rest' by Bonnie Gray and making room for resting in God as part of needful self-soul-care. 

5) Savouring 'A Faraway Smell of Lemon - A Christmas Short Story' by Rachel Joyce (author of 'The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry) as a way to rediscover the human pangs and joys of Christmas.  

As you can see, an awful lot of reading and contemplation could be going on as I dip in and out of these books! Maybe my desires will crash under the weight of them. Time will tell..

How about you? Are you entering Advent with anticipation or grim determination?

Feel free to share what helps (or hinders) your faith-walk in this busy season. I love to hear from you. 

I'm linking here today with Janis for Sunday Stillness and with Charlotte for Spiritual Sundays. You are warmly invited to join us. 

Colouring within the lines

My life has failed to be a riotous whirl of colour. The corners creep out grey and edges are smudged and blurred.

As a small child I was taught to colour carefully within the lines. Keep to borders and boundaries.

Back in the day, that meant keeping to strict limitations set by teachers rather than self-imposed ones.

Now, as I pause and ponder how my life has turned out, I wonder if I am able to add touches of brightness to the grey, throw a bit of teal or a dash of purple over the sad places and bring the picture to life again.

Like many of you, I have health and strength limitations, confines to the corners of my days, pressing and pushing from challenging circumstances that squeeze me tight with their prescriptive lines.

How would it look to live cheerfully and willingly within that defined circle?

Could I colour within its circumference?

"What if you learned that even the mistakes that have marked your life can be redeemed? What if you learned, rather than to be defeated by the lines that have been marked on your life, to color inside the lines?" ~ Matt Appling in 'Life after Art'

Herein lies a challenge to us all. 

How to live fully and freely within the place in which we dwell ~ mentally, physically and spiritually.

For freedom is more a matter of the mind and heart than of any perceived box we may live in.

On the inside, where it really counts, I am as free as a bird. Though I tend to forget it at times.

I can live unchained and unfettered. And so can you. 

The more we rest in God the less we'll stress about situations we cannot change.

Jesus has paid the price for such glorious liberty. His blood splashes its scarlet hues over every aspect of our lives.

Meanwhile, we live in a world of confines, conflict and constraints.

Maybe God can help me and you to colour it bright by His grace? Its golden thread weaves its strands throughout our days.

How would it look if we coloured with confidence and painted with passion and purpose within the parameters of our lives?

I'm not sure, but I'm willing to try. How about you?

I've just started on a journey of writing brave and free as Holy Spirit inspiration comes.


To find out why and how, you can check out this post.


I'd love you to join me and share the way God is leading you too.

Doing it afraid

Fear is not my friend. I don't normally go seeking out trouble or looking to be brave.

As one who spent far too many years afraid of my own shadow and afraid of the grown-up world impinging itself too soon on body and mind, life is not an adrenaline-fuelled ride of adventure.

Courage has many faces and not all of them are obvious. They don't all shout their name.

Sometimes its the quiet ones going about their daily challenges and struggles with quavering hearts and wavering faith who are the brave people in God's eyes.

He sees into hearts and minds and knows how many are living lives of such quiet desperation where getting out of bed in the morning requires enormous effort of will, (and/or reserves from Him) before they dare place foot to floor and face another day.

Life is a battlefield and we overcome it first in our minds.

I'm not a natural risk taker. There have been enough battles in my life without looking for them.

But sometimes a clarion call sounds and we know that God is trying to urge us out of our comfort zones.

This is time to take action. The rewards will outweigh the demands being made on us.

No more cringing in corners. Suit up and get ready.

One person's challenge may be another's walk in the park but it loses none of its edginess for the one overcoming obstacles to achieve it.

I sense a call to surrender my pen, lay down my own writing goals and allow God to speak to me on a daily basis.. then write what I hear.

This is something I'm fairly familiar with on a regular basis. It's part and parcel of being a Christian poet and writer.

Only... daily, did you say? Gulp!! Yes... 31 days of listening and writing brave and free.

Relying totally on Holy Spirit inspiration, anointing and equipping for 31 days, though not necessarily consecutively.

The original yearly #31days writing challenge began over at the Nester's place. You can read the details here. 

To make matters manageable there are daily 5 minute writing prompts being offered over at Kate Montaung's place, rather like a continual Five Minute Friday exercise.

And Twitter already has daily poetic prompts to help stir the creative juices.

So far, so well and good. I love word prompt challenges and I love writing.

If my health was equally reliable then we'd be laughing, wouldn't we?

But that is far from the truth. I have had to cut back, withdraw and recover energy recently when life's busyness leached all my available strength. 

And that happens on a regular basis. More often than I like it to.

As an M.E and chronic illness sufferer I know that no two days are exactly the same yet all have their pitfalls of pain, profound fatigue and weakness to one degree or another.

How do I commit to this task without compromising my already weakened health?

By faith. By trust. By believing that all things are possible in Christ because who He appoints He anoints and who He calls He qualifies.

Am I sure? Well, I didn't lay down a fleece, but it took 4 separate times of checking in with the Lord before I was totally convinced this was a call from Him rather than a work and desire of the flesh. 

So here I am, doing it afraid and doing it with faith, for the two co-exist sometimes.

And there is a catch to this..  after checking in with God this morning, He confirmed I need to spend 31 days listening intently to Him but only write and share as He dictates.

God also reminded me of words I'd penned over at 'Poetry Joy' a few days ago:

"I don't want to write
just because
it is what 
I usually do
or because
I want to have a say
These words should come
because You
have thoughts You desire
me to convey"

My reasons for taking part need to be in line with His will for me. In a sense, I need to eat my own words above.

There's to be no noisy fanfare, no lovely linking up, no seeking of people-approval, no beautiful button to flaunt, no anxiety over daily sharing, just opening my heart when He makes it clear it's right to do so.

Because this isn't really about me at all; it's all about the work God needs to do in and through me.

Some posts will appear here and others over at my sister site, poetryjoy.com. Do take a look there too because small snippets more often come to me in poetry and 'Prayer Whispers' rather than prose.

I'd love you to join me for the journey as I take part informally (on an ad hoc basis) in my own slow way and timing. There is grace to participate and grace to 'fail' in others' eyes.

My fear stems from wondering if I can be fully attentive and listen well over this period of time, and if I can faithfully record the words I hear.

My failure would be to depend more on myself than I do on Holy Spirit's equipping.

And for those of you who pray, please send a prayer or two up for me, would you? Thank you!

I think this weary woman needs help to stay faithful and attentive in prayer, to listen, lean and learn all the lessons God wants to teach her.

Then I can share them over time and (hopefully) bless and encourage others in the process. 

Passing on the baton

If writing were a relay race then you could probably rely on me to fumble, drop the baton, fall over my shoelaces and grind to an undignified halt. Such is my lack of strength and agility on poor health days especially.

Thankfully, writing isn't a race for me, nor one I need only my own levels of fitness to equip me for the task. All energy, ability and inspiration is God-given and He alone equips, enables and sustains me.

There are also many wonderful companions on this journey who urge me on, cheer from the sidelines, encourage and support me prayerfully too.

I was greatly blessed recently by three writer friends profiling me on their sites as part of a general writer blog hop:

Dawn Paoletta has a tremendous zest for living and writing out her faith. She is an avid journal keeper, and not averse to speaking about the dark side of life either as she chronicles her spiritual journey with grace, authenticity and truth over at 'Enthusiastically, Dawn'. 

Heather Mertens is avidly all in for Jesus. She shares from her generous heart in the hope of encouraging others and bringing them together in community. Heather connects with me on many levels as she shares her trials and the miraculous overcoming of them by the grace of God. She writes out her heart at '40 Year Wanderer'. 

Rebekah Gilbert is another searching soul who is open about her doubts and fears. She is a beautiful singer/songwriter and one who lives into the answers even as questions about life and faith fill and flood her heart. You can find her sharing her vulnerable journey of spiritual awakening at  'A new song to sing'. 

Now it's my turn to hop in and answer these questions...

1) What am I writing or working on?

Over the years I have contributed poetry to various anthologies and a few months ago I sensed God suggesting I write my own (gulp!) and helpfully providing a title to work with, which shall remain secret for the time being. 

This poetry book will speak of my life and times as an M.E and chronic illness sufferer as well as exploring universal themes of life, love, loss and faith.

It is my dearest hope to self- publish it in the near future (God and health willing) and for proceeds to be given to a charity which is close to my heart.

Apart from this, I am also working on a devotional book which will feature some of the 'Prayer Whispers' God has spoken to me over the last few years.

Further on the back-burner is a memoir which is unfolding slowly as I add to it on a gradual basis.

2) How does my work differ from others in its genre?

I believe the calling on my life, the way I share my journey as a Christian believer, writer/poet, M.E and chronic illness/childhood abuse sufferer is uniquely personal to me. My reflections, prayers, poetry and deep delving into dark areas of life are a composite mix of the way God has gifted and called me to write.

God takes all our experiences and personal stories and weaves His greater narrative from them. I'm one of many, yet also a single individual who shares her story in the way God encourages her to.

3) Why do I write what I do?

As a child who went through emotional and sexual abuse, had a dysfunctional family and was never encouraged in her creative endeavours, my writing was a cathartic, private activity and rarely shared with another. 

This creative light was hidden under a bushel for many years until my two sons began to make inroads into blogging, writing poetry, monologues, plays and novels (Sam) and blogging, writing bible studies, lay preaching and devotional work (Joe). Their encouragement and enthusiasm partly inspired me to 'go public' at last with my own work. 

I also sensed a strong call from God to share my reflections and life story by combining prose with poetry as I looked at life and faith issues. Then the poetry writing took off exponentially and seemed to be demanding a site all by itself. Thus, 'Poetry Joy' was born and expanded into shorter reflections and 'Prayer Whispers' as well. 

My main aim is to speak from the heart of all that God is doing in my life, share my walk of faith, encourage others who are going through health, life and faith challenges, and to leave a legacy of faith to pass on to future generations.

4) How does my writing process work?

My writing is fuelled by Holy Spirit inspiration, coffee and dark chocolate ~ in that order.

I have no study, desk, or scenic view, and very little energy or strength. Much of the process involves writing in pyjamas, sitting hunched over while fingers type slow and stiff on the keyboard. 

And it also looks something like this 'PLAY'  template:

Pray   ~ This is the foundation of all I do, an ongoing conversation with God. Many rich 'Prayer Whispers' have arisen from these times of surrendered intimacy and snatched moments. 

Listen  ~ to God's voice, my life, my body, and heed what they're all telling me. Pacing and resting are essential for me to have any energy to write at all.

Attend  ~ Being aware that God often speaks when I am resting (or frequently when using the bathroom) or otherwise disengaged mentally. Sometimes a few words rise to my consciousness, snatches of conversation, a snippet from a book or a film I'm watching. All provide a creative spark that may become a poem or blog post. So I always keep a notepad handy wherever I may be. It's impossible to guess when inspiration will strike!

Yield  ~ to God's will. Be obedient to what He is asking me to do. Sometimes taking a nap (or 3) is the most valuable and holy thing I can do in a day. It also means resting faith and confidence in His provision. It doesn't depend on my health or ability as much as a willingness to show up, hear His voice, write, and release.

Now I am delighted to pass the baton on to three dear writer friends who have not only been there for me emotionally and creatively but have also impacted and inspired my life and faith journey. I encourage you to check out their sites. 

Keren is a fellow M.E sufferer, contemplative Christian and deep thinker. I love her mystical side and openness to listen to the insightful words and images God shares with her. We support one another prayerfully and she has a generous heart to help others, especially those going through challenging circumstances. She describes herself thus:

"I’m a fairly quiet soul, beginner mystic and Christian contemplative. Soon after gaining my degree in  Literature I became ill and have suffered with M.E. ever since. After turning forty, I finally found my vocation in writing. The Lord is now leading me deeper into prayer and into his heart, and teaching me how to share the stories, “seeings,” understandings and theology that he graciously gives me.  I have a passion for the edification of women, church unity and the leading of people by quiet waters. I’m married with a stepson and a neurotic black and white cat."

You can connect with Keren at her prayerful, contemplative blog, 'Still Waters Ministries' or at her 'The Garden of God's Heart'  blog where she shares daily delight in creation and life around her. Keren's writer page can be found here at Facebook. 

James was one of the first writer friends in the social media/blogging sphere to offer not only a hand of friendship but also support, encouragement, practical suggestions, and prayer to me. He is a great friend to have on your side!

James writes about finding identity, divine hope, grace and encouragement in the messiness of an imperfect world. 

As a person challenged by life's circumstances, he writes with honesty about his own struggles, doubts and fears and the overcoming of them. He's not afraid to ask the hard questions, to say he doesn't have the answer or to debate painful issues.

You can find James writing at his blog,  'James Prescott', or you can connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

Bob is an encouraging friend and a man I admire as a person of great spiritual insight and depth. He reveals, shares and lives a contemplative Christian lifestyle and is the least likely person to sing his own praises.

His major purpose in writing is to encourage other believers to not settle for anything less than all that Jesus died to give them ~ namely a wonderful, warm, close love relationship with the Father.

As he says in a recent blog post: 

"My purpose is not to shock, but to wake up Believers to God. Mysticism is one of those knee jerk words we’ve rejected...Mysticism is when the incarnation of God invades our lives, however God reveals Himself. It’s beyond and bigger than we could ever imagine."
He shares his insights about spirituality that transforms at 'Contemplative Monk' and can also be found on Facebook and Twitter.
If you have made it thus far then you deserve a medal or a (2nd?) coffee break at least. Thank you for reading this ramble about writing. Future posts will be more concise, I promise! I leave you with a quote that echoes my own feelings and desires about writing: