Doing it afraid

Fear is not my friend. I don't normally go seeking out trouble or looking to be brave.

As one who spent far too many years afraid of my own shadow and afraid of the grown-up world impinging itself too soon on body and mind, life is not an adrenaline-fuelled ride of adventure.

Courage has many faces and not all of them are obvious. They don't all shout their name.

Sometimes its the quiet ones going about their daily challenges and struggles with quavering hearts and wavering faith who are the brave people in God's eyes.

He sees into hearts and minds and knows how many are living lives of such quiet desperation where getting out of bed in the morning requires enormous effort of will, (and/or reserves from Him) before they dare place foot to floor and face another day.

Life is a battlefield and we overcome it first in our minds.

I'm not a natural risk taker. There have been enough battles in my life without looking for them.

But sometimes a clarion call sounds and we know that God is trying to urge us out of our comfort zones.

This is time to take action. The rewards will outweigh the demands being made on us.

No more cringing in corners. Suit up and get ready.

One person's challenge may be another's walk in the park but it loses none of its edginess for the one overcoming obstacles to achieve it.

I sense a call to surrender my pen, lay down my own writing goals and allow God to speak to me on a daily basis.. then write what I hear.

This is something I'm fairly familiar with on a regular basis. It's part and parcel of being a Christian poet and writer.

Only... daily, did you say? Gulp!! Yes... 31 days of listening and writing brave and free.

Relying totally on Holy Spirit inspiration, anointing and equipping for 31 days, though not necessarily consecutively.

The original yearly #31days writing challenge began over at the Nester's place. You can read the details here. 

To make matters manageable there are daily 5 minute writing prompts being offered over at Kate Montaung's place, rather like a continual Five Minute Friday exercise.

And Twitter already has daily poetic prompts to help stir the creative juices.

So far, so well and good. I love word prompt challenges and I love writing.

If my health was equally reliable then we'd be laughing, wouldn't we?

But that is far from the truth. I have had to cut back, withdraw and recover energy recently when life's busyness leached all my available strength. 

And that happens on a regular basis. More often than I like it to.

As an M.E and chronic illness sufferer I know that no two days are exactly the same yet all have their pitfalls of pain, profound fatigue and weakness to one degree or another.

How do I commit to this task without compromising my already weakened health?

By faith. By trust. By believing that all things are possible in Christ because who He appoints He anoints and who He calls He qualifies.

Am I sure? Well, I didn't lay down a fleece, but it took 4 separate times of checking in with the Lord before I was totally convinced this was a call from Him rather than a work and desire of the flesh. 

So here I am, doing it afraid and doing it with faith, for the two co-exist sometimes.

And there is a catch to this..  after checking in with God this morning, He confirmed I need to spend 31 days listening intently to Him but only write and share as He dictates.

God also reminded me of words I'd penned over at 'Poetry Joy' a few days ago:

"I don't want to write
just because
it is what 
I usually do
or because
I want to have a say
These words should come
because You
have thoughts You desire
me to convey"

My reasons for taking part need to be in line with His will for me. In a sense, I need to eat my own words above.

There's to be no noisy fanfare, no lovely linking up, no seeking of people-approval, no beautiful button to flaunt, no anxiety over daily sharing, just opening my heart when He makes it clear it's right to do so.

Because this isn't really about me at all; it's all about the work God needs to do in and through me.

Some posts will appear here and others over at my sister site, poetryjoy.com. Do take a look there too because small snippets more often come to me in poetry and 'Prayer Whispers' rather than prose.

I'd love you to join me for the journey as I take part informally (on an ad hoc basis) in my own slow way and timing. There is grace to participate and grace to 'fail' in others' eyes.

My fear stems from wondering if I can be fully attentive and listen well over this period of time, and if I can faithfully record the words I hear.

My failure would be to depend more on myself than I do on Holy Spirit's equipping.

And for those of you who pray, please send a prayer or two up for me, would you? Thank you!

I think this weary woman needs help to stay faithful and attentive in prayer, to listen, lean and learn all the lessons God wants to teach her.

Then I can share them over time and (hopefully) bless and encourage others in the process. 

The road less travelled

Each journey we take in life begins with a single step.

Yet so often the first move is the hardest one to make.

The greater the challenge before us, the greater the measure of courage required. 

Faith requires us to walk blind sometimes, but we have the reassurance of God's continual Presence to lead and to guide. 

And when we're on the King of Kings' highway we are in a good place to proceed with confidence. 

'Highway'

An open road yawns wide before me

and I have a choice to make ~ hesitate,

deliberate, ignore, turn back, or face

the path ahead with anticipation

instead of mounting dread

Decide to take a stand,

move forward ~ trembling, slow,

though with a firm grip on Your hand

For only You know opportunities

arising round the bend

Only You know what happens

if I reject the path you send

So I choose to listen to Your voice

taking one step, then another,

until I can rejoice in overcoming

fears, as I finally make progress

after all these years rooted to the spot

like one petrified, half dead,

when I could have been pursuing

dreams with You instead

Although I cannot see the potholes and 

pitfalls on this path, I trust that You 

will clear the way on my behalf

And now I stand ready to make a start

knowing each step brings me

closer to Your heart

©JoyLenton2014

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are my God, my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long." ~ Psalm 25:4-5

Linking here with Charlotte at Spiritual Sundays




**NOTE** The winner (chosen at random from those who commented on my last post) of a copy of 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp is ~ Rebekah Gilbert. Congratulations, Rebekah! A copy will be winging its way to you asap. 

Figment

A bit of light-hearted relief in our God-sized dream journey this week as this comes to you by power of my (Spirit and faith-filled) imagination.

No deep soul-searching. Instead of a life described As Is, this is life 'As I wish it could be' as I challenge and confront fear head-on.

I know that no matter how boldly I may proclaim it, the fear monster has a way of creeping and sneaking back into my life to kill, steal and destroy.

Hopefully, the confidence and courage I have displayed here will rub off on me and on you too as you read!

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control" ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

So when the fear monster knocks at the door of our hearts we can:

Let Faith answer the door - and send him packing

Holley has asked us to "have a little talk with the fear in your life" by writing a letter to it.

So here goes:

Dear Chihuahua of Fear,

I have some things I'd like to say to you. 
You've had too much attention from me 
and it's gonna stop.
 For far too long you have held me captive...
 but no longer.
So sit up and pay attention to Me instead!

Though you may snarl and threaten like a doberman,
 bare teeth, bark like crazy, jump up with menace, ready to rip apart,
or lay down with innocent-guised slobbering, ball and bone playful, 
  looking intelligently placid, while you plan the next move - on your laptop,

I know you are really only a handbag-size, carry-around pet I have no further use for.
Though you primp and preen with self-importance, 
bigging yourself up larger than you are, flouncing in your finery, 
snappy-yappy to all who challenge,
when you know you have No Power Whatsoever to do more
 than run scared - tail between legs.

You are all noise and no substance

Or maybe you see yourself as a moose 
with horns outstretched, body proud and noble,
weighty killing machine, monarch of all you survey;
 head lifted high to scent for danger,ears and nose a-twitch,
 snuffling for food in the wild, aware of your prowess.

You are nothing more than a pipsqueak mouse.

Long tail thrashing and chasing,

cat escaping, soft-claw scuttling

 back into the hole where you belong.

A cheese gatherer, 

A maiden aunt frightener,

A means to scare

but nothing's really there

to be afraid of

Yes, I remember you appearing in friendly guise to my forebears.
Your rattle, hissing, and poisonous venom I have swallowed blind 
over years without number, without thinking.
Now, I choose to ignore the slither 
and 'come hither' of you creeping close.

Now, I want to kick you into grass
I've had enough of you invading my space

For, Serpent of Old,
you are dead in my eyes.
Just a dried-out husk of skin

I no longer seek to be wrapped up in

Image Courtesy of DigitalPhotos.Net

For, I'm a wily old bird,
wise to your ways.
Now, I can pick you up as the slimy,
weedy little worm you are,
and toss you aside.

Creeping black cat-like into our thoughts,
scratching around in our psyches
claws outstretched, back arched in anticipation 
of sinking teeth into hopes and dreams.
You think you're huge and roaring
but you're only tiny, shadow-boxing.

Get ready to run scared.
The battle cry is due.

The Lion of Judah is on the move
His roar The One to run from

He'll swipe you aside with ease
and already has devoured you.
His the courage we need,
His the strength to resist,
His the faith to protect us.

Only we believe the lies,
 give you room to play your games,
little seeing you for what you really are -
mist, myth, mischief and mayhem-maker,
dream-stealer, dark shadow,
form without substance

just.....False Evidence Appearing Real

You're a Figment,
no more, no less.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get Outta Here!

"There is no fear in love (dread does not exist), but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment and (so) he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love (is not yet grown into love's complete perfection)." ~ 1 John 4:18

Linking here with Holley Gerth and the rest of the God-sized Dream Team.

Do join us for the journey as we share together each week.

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A lot of bottle

On the Bottle

Breast may be best

though bottle is better

for bonding-sharing

with any willing 

hands to hold 

these rabbit-skinned

imitations of infants

mewling beyond caring

Lukewarm liquid

vitamin-infused

warmth and welfare

oozing into tiny

lips and tums

that ache

'til hunger satiates

as feeding comes

Glass left in sun

heats a daily dose

devoured by little ones

of nursery nourishment

nanny state provides

or lumped with ice 

at times to chill

our young insides

Clinking, lifted high

amber or clear froth

to wash away 

cares holding sway

Cheers, chin, chin,

down the hatch

drown our sorrows

for another day

Parents on the bottle

so we sit as children do

crisp munching

fizzy drink slurping

sweet crunching

drain the dregs

save the empties

for a coin or two

©JoyLenton2013


********

Our lives can be subject to bottle-necks as narrowing, constricting circumstances cause a busy traffic of thoughts, words and deeds to congest uncomfortably and make us feel confined and trapped.

They won't go down easily. We choke over them. I did just that for years over my past.

Our choice is to have a lot of bottle - in other words, to display courage in the face of adversity, have firm intention, confidence and resolve to meet the challenges of difficult or frightening past and present situations.

It takes real nerve and determination to walk through hard times.

My courage is all God-given. Left to my own devices I'm a coward hiding in the corner until the storms pass. As I lean harder into Him then His strength infuses into me. The harder I lean, the more He gives grace to cope.

OR we can bottle out - lose our nerve and withdraw, put off the ordeal of confronting those issues and put off facing the problems for another day. Swallow them down somehow. That was how I dealt with problems for many years. 

Only they refuse to go away, get stuck in our throat, and end up constricting our very breath.

I have learnt, from seeing the results of doing so, not to bottle up my pain and problems, but to face them head-on, gulping heavily as I do so. Tears swell and fall as I pour them out.

My past was painful.

Shadows linger on.

The cup I drink from has a bitter taste at times. Who wants to swallow this?

I am learning to choose not to hold back or refrain from sharing (as God directs me to) about the areas that have wounded me; not if it means another soul can say "You too?" and feel they are not alone. 

Not if a cup of sorrow shared means a cup of joy to share too in the overcoming.

Our faith can be stretched taut as elastic and we feel it may snap and collapse.  

Insecurity and fear can make us fall apart or shut down when problems come. Denial may help us to go on for a while. Pain and problems kept suppressed can be like a bottle of pop waiting to explode one day and leak messily all over our lives.

Now, I can reminisce - as in the poem above - about my childhood, and do so with a degree of detachment and nostalgia for my early years.

For God is helping me to find courage in confession, relief from releasing, freedom in letting go of fears, resolve in refusing to give up on His best for me as I hand it all over to Him..For it is only in letting go of the bad that we have arms empty to receive the good.

And that's His goal for you too. As we heal we can start to focus on the life ahead of us.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" ~ Isaiah 43:18 -19

Take courage, friends, for God is as close as your next breath and He wants very much to help and heal you. Sometimes counselling helps too, or sharing with a wise and trusted friend or family member.

Whatever it takes, won't you join me on the journey towards greater freedom and joy?

Linking here with Tanya as she currently hosts the Concrete Words series.