Knowing and being known

Silence is a space where our thoughts fly free as birds and we watch them circling wild.

They feel impossible to ignore or pin down. Grow larger as we give them room to move around.

Once we snare one, then ten others rush as an angry horde in our heads.

And we sigh because we thought that being still and being quiet physically would also somehow impose a little rest in our mind.

Isn't that why we draw aside and seek tranquillity? It will come in time. Patience is its own reward.

What I am learning as a beginner in the art of contemplative prayer is to be able to welcome the thoughts, observe their presence and gently release them again as I remain at rest.

But some thoughts linger like dark intruders trying to cloak us in their presence, stifle life and vitality.

They leave overwhelming and painful feelings behind.

And when they arrive we seek to eliminate them as quickly as possible because who wants to be reminded of the state of their heart where worry sits deep, anxiety is anchored and fears float free?

There seems to be enough darkness in the world for us to be willing to admit to it within our souls. Such knowing seems to be a step too far most days.

Little do we know that such self-awareness is a doorway to finding freedom.

Discouragement sits at the door of our heart, with despair and depression hot on its heels, and we can feel swamped by it unless we fully know and accept who we are and Whose we are.

Such pondering was in my heart this morning when I prayed and asked God to speak to me.

And He did, in the words below. My hope and prayer is that this prayer whisper will encourage you too as you seek to know and be known by God.

Prayer Whisper:Know yourself and know who you are in Me

"Know yourself. But do not grieve or become discouraged by who you are and how you act or react. Such inner understanding of your drives, desires and passions is essential in harnessing their energy for good purposes rather than evil.

Take time to sit with silence. Heed what rises to the surface of your conscious mind. Do not fear those things which appear. Acknowledge these depths of your being; welcome them as guests and guides who have come to teach you a better way to live.

Discernment begins with knowing who you are as a fallen human being made alive and righteous in Christ. 

Try not to dwell on the negative. See those aspects of your character and behaviour as wounds. 

Each wound bears the piercing of blood-red nails, an imprint of cross-inflicted agony I willingly endured to set you free.

Aim to live lightly as you address your woundedness and its revelation of divine Love's response. 

Aim to be cheered and of good courage as you reflect on the pearl of great price which was paid for your redemption.

Sin still sits within like a recalcitrant lodger but it doesn't take full residence in your heart.

The more you look to Me and wonder at My love, marvel at My mercy, are filled with gratitude for My grace, the more you will see how sin no longer enslaves or has full dominion over you.

I live and move and have My being in you, and you are seated in heavenly places with Me. 

These dark earthly passions are slowly being transformed into power for good and furtherance of My Kingdom.

Yield and surrender to Me and I will gradually change your lowly desires into heavenly ones.

Never forget you are My beloved and the joy of My heart Just As You Are. Nothing and no-one can take that away from you. 

Let your soul rejoice in its resurrection to new life. Little by little, day by day, I am pouring grace into the cracks and crevices and revealing My glory through your weakness. 

Take heart, My child, you are made strong, whole and beautiful in Me"

Friend, you and I are on a lifelong journey toward becoming whole and healed. There are times when it feels like no progress is being made, but every day we are moving forward and learning to live and love as God wants us to.

It starts with learning to accept and love ourselves (in a balanced, God-inspired way) and continues as we reach out to others with empathy and compassion.

Our hurt and pain can become the pathway to another soul feeling less alone with their own situation as we share who we are on the way to all we are becoming.

May you have renewed hope as you follow hard after God's heart and rest in all He is doing within your soul. 

Blessings, love and prayers, 
Joy

Out of darkness

I sense my soul leaning toward the light as I sit in situations of struggle.

Stretched yearningly like a plant desperate for its source of warmth and nourishment.

And I'm encouraged by things stirring in the muddy undergrowth, tentatively appearing as signs of life in dark places.

Sun's rays are starting to steal bright across azure-blue of sky and hope's fingers reach for better tomorrows.

Because we're built for this. To lean toward the light. Made for mercy and grace. Destined for different. 

Children of darkness weaving our wobbly way toward light-filled days.

Our souls seeking after salvation, resurrection and restoration.

Our inner needs lie dormant as seed, waiting for their moment to erupt and burst forth.

God sees. He hears the unspoken cries of hurting hearts and witnesses the fall of tears.

Our heavenly Father longs to rescue us from the kingdom of darkness we inhabit and scoop us eagerly into His Kingdom of Love and Light... if we're willing. 

There are days where I sit with one foot in the world and one in His kingdom.

Hover on the brink, fear-filled and uncertain, weary and wary. Knowing the way to proceed but still tempted by the deceptive lure of worldly riches.

I crave acceptance like an addict.

I desire to achieve. 

I want to leave a footprint of my passing.

I long to belong.

And I so often search for it in all the wrong places.

Think that the world's approval is a sign of arriving - when it signals my soul is dying.

I'm dying to be seen and heard, but above all I'm dying for God's word.

Being ignored feeds our insecurities, fans the fear.

Being side-lined reminds us how insignificant we think we are.

But being 'invisible' in the world doesn't make us invisible to God. Far from it.

Because we're always significant to Him.

Only God can fully nourish a hungry, hurting heart.

He alone will fill and flood an empty soul.

He alone has compassion to meet every human need.

He equips us to live well and to die well in the reassurance of His goodness and grace.

And He alone will enable us to leave a lasting legacy behind:

• Gifts of grace
• Cords of compassion
• Deeds of mercy
• Echoes of His love
• Encouragement and hope
• A witness to lost souls
• A testimony of love overcoming against the odds

But we first have to be willing to ditch the darkness in our own souls.

Willing to face up to our need of God - His grace, forgiveness and mercy.

Willing to be made new, be born again.

Willing to move closer in dependency, in good times or bad, ever nearer to Him.

Willing to sacrifice our own agendas.

Willing to surrender to His plans.

Willing to live out our faith day by day.

Willing to make a difference in the lives of others.

Live as obedient children of God in a perverse world as He slowly transforms us into the likeness of His beloved Son, little by little, from the inside out.

It's a steep learning curve. The biggest one we ever negotiate. And it will take the rest of our lives to live it out.

But its rewards are exceptional and eternal. Its worth beyond compare.

Can you sense God calling you?

Are you ready to come into the Light of His presence?

If so, then here's a prayer to help you surrender and commit to Jesus anew, or for the first time perhaps:

Do let me know if you have prayed this type of surrender prayer for the first time and I will send you extra resources to guide you on your journey of faith in Christ.

It's a journey I've been on for all my adult life, and one where we really value and need the companionship of others to support and encourage one another along the way.

Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments below.

I'm linking here with Holley, Jennifer, and like-minded friends as we seek to offer coffee for your heart while we tell His story. Come join us?

On holy ground

Evidence of life was springing up all around.

I breathed deep of scent and sight.

My heart cheered by colour and lively vibrancy growing root beside me.

And on reaching the entrance to our meeting room the atmosphere hung heady with incense.

A holy cloud seemed to hover in the air, signalling mystery and invitation, its message mingling with soft smoke-curls wafting out the window.

I hesitated in the doorway and was soon met with a warm, welcoming hug and friendly smile.

We were ushered into the room where preparations were already in hand.

Little did I know how participatory the service would be, or how much it would both exhaust and exhilarate me.

My eyes were drawn to an intriguing array of musical instruments on the floor, alongside books, sheets of paper, artwork, cup and bowl at the ready to play their part.

Anticipatory excitement and nerves shot through me.

It had been way too long since I'd met with other believers like this.

It had felt like grace abounding to be able to make it out to an evening talk (on Hildegard of Bingen)  held there two days previously.

Little did I expect to be blessed to attend this Eucharist service too, partly helped by my husband's gentle persistence and assistance, and a better sleep than usual.

Two years ago, I had been offered a quiet, individual holy communion in my room by a priest when I was on retreat at All Hallows, Ditchingham.

It's been longer still since having bread and wine at my home church, because having M.E means fellowship has become more of an on-line occurrence than being physically present with others gathering together in God's presence.

Here, we read together, learnt new songs, sang (I croaked) unaccompanied, hummed (out of tune), played an instrument of our choice (I picked maracas) to a sung poem, shared art work some had done the day before, served one another bread and wine, offered praise, gave responses and a concluding peace blessing.

I sat as usual, my limbs not up to the task of rising and standing, and the more able-bodied made sure I was included in everything.

These days, attempting singing alone (even while seated) leaves me worn-out and breathless, and to have so many different things to join in with left me flat-out with fatigue as things came to a close.

Tears pricked my eyes; I didn't try to hide them. They felt fitting and releasing somehow.

I cried because... it was so overwhelming to be part of a worshipping community again, to participate in holy communion, to feel loved and accepted by soul-sister relative strangers, to unleash creative expression.

I had no strength left for anything else, could barely speak for the effort. Needed time to drink some water, wait a while and recover before I could articulate what had made me emotional.

And I sensed a touch from God as words spoken in a reading resonated in my soul.

God reminded me that I was precious to Him just as I am, and although the locusts may have stolen years and health, my latter days could be more fruitful than the former - yes, even now, late as I am to pick up a pen, master a PC, open heart and life to offer hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

As those who have walked a challenging, painful path before me could attest, these latter years can be our best yet because we finally think, "Why not?" instead of "Why me?"

Why not... write a blog, write poetry, belong to on-line communities, join in, get involved, stand up for something you feel passionate about, be generous, be compassionate, encourage, make a difference in the lives of others?

My outing revealed how little it actually takes to make me feel truly blessed (and weary), and how thankful I am for the rare occasions when I can leave the house and enjoy meeting up with people.

Just seeing the landscape unfurling before me on the drive there was a thing of wonder. Beauty wears many faces.

Holy ground is all around because God is everywhere in the normal, run-of-the-mill, prosaic and practical everyday.

Sometimes, all it takes is a special gift of grace for us to appreciate just how much He inhabits the mundane moments which we are all in danger of taking for granted.

My friend, I pray that you may sense Him in those times, hear His voice affirming His great, unconditional love for you, and open your heart to the holy ache of ordinary.

**NOTE** ~ As so often happens, first thoughts about this experience were poetic because that's my usual medium for quick expression. You can read my poem here on 'Poetry Joy'.

You're not invisible

If someone told you you're not invisible would you cringe with embarrassment and look for the nearest hole to hide in, or sigh with relief?

Much depends on what you want known or what you desire to hide.

In this over-exposed world we live in, where every celebrity sneeze is recorded and all our achievements (and the lack thereof) are public property, it's hard to melt into the margins unless we work at being separate and seek ways to come apart from the crowd.

Although, from time to time all of us can feel like ghost-shadows passing in the street as we hover around with no discernible sign of our presence being found.

Social media works fine if you want to be sociable, although it's possible to feel more isolated than ever as we get snared in the comparison trap, checking our lifestyles with one another and seeing how we fall short of the perceived ideal.

Healthy interest can soon become snide comparison, envy and jealousy.

And many feel invisible, lost and alone with their shame, pain, illness and distress. They don't desire to be ignored, yet often are.

Society has a way of stigmatising and labelling people which fails to take into account their unique human perspective, struggles and challenges.

But they are human beings just like you and me - made in God's image, precious and beloved in His sight.

They actually want nothing more than the right kind of attention:understanding and appreciation, a friendly listening ear, consideration, thoughtful and loving care.

God sees, hears, witnesses all we go through, all we are and all we're in the process of becoming. He knows our life's end from its beginning.

He extends grace and mercy toward all, especially the down-trodden, disabled, despised, destitute, discouraged and depressed.

And that's good news, isn't it? It's gospel news - liberating, life-changing and transforming.

Each moment is an opportunity to begin again.

Every day is a fresh breathing space of grace.

Our situations may remain the same; life may be a tremendous struggle just to keep head above water - and we still have this to cling to.

We are outrageously, unconditionally and mercifully loved by One who knows us better than we know ourselves, whose Spirit lives and breathes within, whose mantle of righteousness covers every stain of sin, guilt and shame.

My friend, you are not invisible to Him. Every hair on your head is counted. He doesn't miss a thing about you.

I've clung to these truths in my daily battle with M.E and chronic illness, living a life overshadowed by childhood abuse and its repercussions, experiencing profound physical weakness, pain and fatigue.

I'm aware that many misunderstand my illness, fail to see how writing a blog post may be the only active thing I can do in a day and how a simple task like taking a shower can leave me pole-axed for hours.

They may also shrink away from the painful personal things I've shared and fail to see how God equips and inspires my words to help others feel less alone with their own struggles.

Because we're all too quick to judge one another rather than stepping inside their shoes with eyes of empathy and compassion, aren't we? 

I'm not exempt. Insecurity can make me cling to what's familiar and shy away from different.

What if we tried to see others as God sees them?

How would it be if we made an effort:

To listen closely without interruption or planning what we're going to say next.

To offer time and attention.

To withhold from judgement and criticism.

To be kind.

To notice their needs.

To offer grace, forgiveness and mercy.

To pray for them and with them.

To recognise that we're all in a battle and other people are not the real enemy.

To lean heavy on grace and lightly on guilt-tripping.

To be the voice, the hands and feet of Jesus in this world.

Maybe... just maybe... we will offer His visibility and help them see how He sees them too. It's worth a try, yes? 

And as we do so we will find how deep down, at soul level, we are more alike than we knew.

Weeds are flowers too

As new life springs up all around, I am a bit ashamed to confess that our garden is a messy, tangled up space where weeds run rampant and grass is deep enough to hide things in.

But even this uncultivated space, which speaks loud of our slowness and incapacity, is a source of gratitude and deepening awareness.

As I move more into contemplative mood more during these soul-warming Spring days, I'm developing a greater need to see the sacred in the secular.

I want to awaken to wonder and deeper awareness of God's goodness and grace all around me.

He is manifest to those with eyes to see and ears to hear and reveals Himself in unexpected ways.

As I stepped out the back door recently I saw a blaze of golden sunny rays from tilting heads as dandelions raised their flag to the world.

Unashamedly brazen in their boldness. No apology for being 'less than' any other plant.

And I know deep down that weeds are as flowers, especially when a garden is bereft of those.

Weeds are a sign of life, vigour and vitality.

Weeds speak of thriving where we are planted, of survival against the odds.

Their tenacity and endurance are like faith markers in the soil of God's word.

Their perseverance shows grit and determination.

Their colour is as vivid as any true flower and the green reveal of them is sap and spark of life itself.

They bend to will of wind yet try to straighten tall against the fray of cooler, cloudburst days.

Seeing them move and sway reminds me how Holy Spirit speaks to my soul ~ sometimes soft and low like a soothing lullaby, or fierce and wild as reminder of God's searing love driving through His child's heart in the desire for me to learn and come up higher.

Seeing beauty in the everyday shapes my thoughts, words and poetry. The one below came from seeing a dancing poppy.

'Hanging on'

A lone dancing poppy

bends its head

to will of wind

Faded and jaded

it hangs limp

from its stem

Bravely hanging on

no matter where

the Spirit sends

©JoyLenton2015

Am I advocating we all let our gardens run wild? Embrace chaos, perhaps?

No, not really, even though there is often treasure to be found in seeing what comes up naturally.

What I want to emphasise is how we can feel like weeds - insignificant, on the margins, border and edge-dwellers in society.

Physical and mental health issues help to intensify those feelings, although they are common to all of us from time to time.

And standing alone, feeling lost, left out and isolated is uncomfortable and disturbing.

Friend, let me reassure you that you are not unseen, uncared for, unwanted or unknown. 

I care deeply about all who enter this space, all who are part of its reading community. I pray for you and about you ~ yes, invisible as you may seem.

More significantly, God sees; He cares; He loves you beyond measure.

He wants to be your constant Companion and the Gardener of your soul all the days of your life.

You are already lovely in His eyes, special and unique, no matter whether you feel like a bedraggled weed or a beautiful bloomer.

Because God gives us all the resources we need to survive, thrive, endure, persevere and bloom where we are planted. He will enable you to grow strong and vital in Him.

Our part is to look to Him and ask for all the help we need each day as we are fed by His word and watered by Holy Spirit anointing and grace.

Making room for rest

March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb.

On the cusp of the month I heard gentle, persuasive roarings from the Lion of Judah as He made it clear to me that I should take a blogging break.

Only here's the rub ~ it was to be for an unspecified time but definitely a month at least.

Because I was burnt out physically and mentally, in need of rest, restoration and lots and lots of sleep. 

Ideas and inspiration were still flowing freely but the energy to execute them wasn't.

So I stepped back, withdrew reasonably willingly and cheerfully.. at first. After all, God was calling me to enter His rest more deeply and fully than before. What's not to like about that?

Plenty, actually, as I soon discovered. It was hard to lay down my pen, remain silent, still my soul and surrender.

Resting turned out to be something I found very challenging - yes, even as an M.E sufferer where resting and pacing are a necessary part of life.

But this was different. This was taking resting to a whole new level.

Before I could properly rest and relax I had to discover what was blocking the process.

Letting go felt like drowning, even with my Lifeguard at hand. I'd taken off my writing shoes, padded gingerly out to sea and lost myself in waves of invisibility. 

Or at least that's how it seemed for a while. I felt isolated, lonely, bereft of the writing community's friendship and support.

However, God was drawing me into closer communion with Him. 

It sounds lovely and it was at times, but it was also painful. 

Holy ground tends to show up our dustiness, selfishness and soul depravity. All that God longs to put right in us.

Resting was far from restful for a while.

When thoughts presented themselves to me I ran with them in my eagerness to be Doing Something.

Why not journal my experience? Great idea.

Why not consider turning it into an e-book? Excellent suggestion.

Why not read several books at once? Oh yes.

Why not try my hand at other creative activities instead? Hmm.. why not?

Hence the challenge. 

I didn't become an expert on the subject but, thankfully, I did eventually learn what to listen to and what to ignore and how to evaluate what I was going through.

Here's the low down:

a) The hard facts:

• Resting is really hard work
• I totally suck at it
• My mind resists switching off
• Inner restlessness is my default position
• Calm is hard to come by
• Worry worms its way in
• Pulling away from busyness can make us doubt our purpose
• Discouragement drowns out God's voice
• Impatience makes it take longer
• I really need to learn how to do it
• I guess practise makes perfect
• I doubt I'll ever fully learn it in this lifetime

b) The golden truths:

• God wants us to enter His rest
• He calls us with gentle persuasion
• Letting go of control can be liberating
• Time in God's presence is never wasted
• Sitting at Jesus' feet aids surrender
• Listening for His voice gets easier over time
• Prompt obedience brings better results
• Inner rest promotes outer rest
• We get to exercise our faith
• It enables us to be more receptive
• It paves the way for creativity to flourish
• Realisation of our identity in Christ is heightened

I'm sure more nuggets of truth will emerge as I read through and reflect on my notes.

As it is, my slow M.E brain has taken several days to piece these words together here. Resting for a month seems to have made me rather rusty! Thank you for your grace..

But I have wondered, would it would help you to read about my experience? Maybe I will write more here or in an e-book in the future. 

It could be that my tentative searching and struggles will help others who want to 'let go and let God' but find it really difficult in some way or other. 

For now, I see how resting in God is the natural outcome and outworking of His grace. Its benefits become clearer as we begin to rest in Christ's finished work on the cross and our new identity in Him. 

My friend, maybe God has been signalling to you a need for rest. Could it be time to draw back a bit from busyness as we draw closer to Easter?

Pause a while to ponder as we walk the path of the cross with Jesus. Wonder anew at His mercy and grace as we trace His way to Calvary.

Hope springs eternal in human hearts. The cross is a rallying cry for all mankind. It is calling to you too.

The Lamb of God has come to pave the way for us to return Home to the Father's heart and find our soul's deepest rest in relationship with Him. 

Over to you

What does resting in God look like for you?

What helps or hinders the process?

Please feel free to join in with the comments below. Your words matter. Thank you. :)

A friend in need

Sometimes God answers a prayer you didn't pray.

In becoming the answer to another person's prayer, we can find our own needs addressed in ways we least expected.

It happened to me a few months ago.

The Philosopher (husband/carer/general dogsbody) and I found our health problems escalating over the last year and his ability to care for me/the household exponentially diminishing.

We felt overwhelmed and drowning, so we sought help and support from our church.

Before very long, it became clear that there was no-one both able and willing to come to our aid.

Finally, a casual conversation the Philosopher had with a friend brought a possible solution.

His wife was lonely and in need of close Christian fellowship and friendship with someone near at hand. She was also pretty nifty with an iron, vacuum cleaner and duster ~ hooray!

The couple called round unexpectedly one day to state their intent.

It was after lunch. I'd made it downstairs but I was feeling exhausted, wearing my oldest PJ's, hair awry, in need of a shower, and decidedly discomfited to be seen in such a mess.

I knew the husband pretty well but his 'late-in-life-God's-gift-of-a-wife' was almost a stranger to me. 

However, she was charming, kind and concerned. We decided to make arrangements and see how things went.

I thought if she'd already seen me (and the house) at our worst, then there wasn't much left to be concerned about, was there?

A few months down the line, and I am awed and amazed at how well it has all turned out.

Despite our different nationalities, culture, language, experiences and expectations we clicked straight away. Deep at heart, where it all counts, we are soul sisters in Christ.

Both of us know what it's like to be wounded (yes, even by fellow believers), to feel marginalised, ostracised, rejected and lonely.

Both of us needed a close, spiritual, giving and receiving, prayerful faith-sharing relationship, only she had been fervently asking for it and I was unaware of my need until I had it.

We came together cautiously and soon became good friends. Our common ground far outweighs our differences, fascinating as they are.

She knows I am an unreliable friend in terms of making definite arrangements to get together. But it's always worth it when we do, even if no housework gets done.

Although all forms of communication in general drain me considerably and have to be a paced event, our sharing time can vanish in a flash because it feeds my spirit and energises me briefly to be in her company.

She is a calming influence, a prayer support, an encourager and a great reminder of God's love and grace.

The main topic of conversation is our life with God, His goodness, mercy and amazing love, especially in the midst of life's challenges.

If you'd asked me a few months ago if I needed another female friend I would probably have said No. 

My life seemed full, rich maybe with such friends... even if the great majority are on social media due to the limitations of living with M.E and being largely housebound.

But in answering my need for help in the home, God allowed me to answer her need for friendship.

Nothing beats having a Jesus-with-skin-on real life friend and soul companion. They are precious indeed.

There may be more new friends to come who I have yet to meet, because who ever has enough genuine friends or grows out of the need to be a true friend for others?

That's the wonder of God. He knows our inmost needs before we're capable of giving them shape or thought. He is a friend in need and our best Friend indeed. 

And those inner heart cries for help? The ones we fail to voice? We can be reassured He hears, records and answers every word.

Not all answers are as unexpected as mine was, nor swift either. But we can trust God's heart even when His hand seems slow to save.

Don't give up hope, my friend. God is well aware of your needs...yes, even the most practical and prosaic ones..and will meet them in His own way and timing as you wait upon Him. 

Over to you:**How has God answered a prayer in an unexpected way for you? 

                  Have you had a new friend come into your life when you least expected it?**

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.Your words matter. I love to hear from you, even if I may be slow to reply sometimes.

Awakening to potential

A quivering occurs deep in our souls. An inviting ripple on the waters, an opportunity to stretch our wings and fly free.

This one won't go away. It resurfaces when we least expect it.

Our lives are about to change and we run scared instead of running toward it with open arms.

Not all of us can greet change with cheer, or equanimity at least.

It feels unsettling, ground shifting, mould-breaking, day-defining and life-liberating all at once.

It calls for a new challenge, a new level we feel unprepared for.

So we quake. Even if we know those soft spoken sounds are Holy Spirit sighs.

I'm in a time of transition, waiting to walk into a more spacious place emotionally and spiritually. It requires recognition of what's being said, and response to all God is currently asking of me.

And, truth be told, I. Don't. Feel. Ready. I want to rewind time to one of blissful ignorance.

Those urgings are calling me out of a place of seeming safety, a place where I was bound but couldn't see it, and leading me into the Light, into Truth, into freedom, into God's presence and rest.

The slumbering season is over. Our souls need to wake up to the potential all around. When God is speaking, we do well to listen.

He gentles us forward saying this isn't all or nothing, impetuous crash and burn; this is a slow growth in the right direction as I lead and guide you. This is a warming to My words, an inner alertness to My voice, a gradual unfolding of My plans for you. Trust Me to keep you, to hold you safe throughout.

Maybe you're in this unsettling place too? 

Hearing and trying not to heed it?

We can be deep-bone weary from all types of pain, yet strangely wary and reluctant to move away from its suffocating embrace if it means treading into new territory.

Because what we know, what we are familiar with feels like home to us, however dark it may be in reality. Our pain is our pain. We live and move and have our being in it, don't we?

Actually no. We live and move and have our being in God. He is our Strength, our Hope, our Deliverer and Healer. 

Healing frequently comes in stages, by degrees, by unloosening, yielding and surrender rather than by sudden illumination and ability to receive it.

I've had God close some powerful doors in my life recently, doors which I'd inadvertently opened to the enemy when I was younger in years and understanding.

Once he has been denied access to areas he has tormented us in for years, the enemy will do everything in his power to try and regain that territory.

Doubt, fear and unbelief insinuate a way in, wrapping their tentacles around our souls. We need to guard our hearts, wear the full armour of God and be vigilant.

We have a spiritual battle on our hands and a continual need to reaffirm our new position, make declarations of faith from God's Word and sow seeds of positivity into areas that were always negative before.

Yes, we rest secure on the promises of God, but we also have our part to play in holding on to our healing and deliverance.

It's hard work but it will be so worthwhile to see results, to be prepared for The Next Big Thing God wants to do in your life and mine.

Some days I feel scared of transition and transformation. When we've believed lies for years, then our minds have to slowly become renewed by the Word and our hearts grow strong in faith.

Here's a prayer for all who are where I am now, or sense they soon will be. Let's begin to embrace hope, embrace the light, and embrace joy in knowing we are already victorious in Christ.

A fresh perspective

Not many of my childhood memories are viewed through a warm sepia-lens hue. Most shade to grey, blur into dark images I prefer not to examine too closely.

I remember this moment though, because new toys (yes, even a piggy bank money-box) were rare and usually saved for Christmas or birthday, but this was an unexpected summer gift and I was keen to show it off. 

So I sat proud on the lawn my father lavished great attention to, midst the scent of roses and buzz of honey bees, grinning unselfconsciously for a change.

Recollections aren't always reliable. A hint remains:a shade, a shadow, a stain, a scent, a touch too much.

Feelings capture more than a camera can. Haunt us down the corridors of years.

When Bonnie asked us to "picture yourself as a little girl with Jesus. How do you picture her and what is she doing? How does she feel? What does she want?" I began to back away from revisiting the past, a country where I fervently wished my visa had expired but which pervaded the present.

We were also asked to express what was on our mind and heart to Jesus. Tell it all to Him. Look into His eyes and be aware He is listening. I gulped, prayed and spent some time sitting with Jesus.

This was the result:

"I'm sitting on a wooden bench in our garden at home, wriggling a bit because of the splinters. Jesus is right beside me. I am looking wistfully into the distance, feeling sad and alone. As I turn to face Jesus I share how I've forgotten how to play and enjoy my life. There feels a heavy weight on my heart, like a dark cloud is suffocating all the joy out of me.

Jesus smiles, takes my hand and passes something to me. My eyes light up at the sight of a jar of bubbles, and I look up at Him curiously. He encourages me to open the lid and blow some bubbles at the sky. So I do. 

And they grow huge even as they float with ease and care-free abandon. I can't help but smile back at Him now.

He points to a dark cloud partly obscuring the sun. We watch together as a giant bubble rises, gathers momentum, nudges into the cloud and pops it softly. I gasp, laugh and Jesus joins in. 

'Look', He says, 'Your cares and concerns overshadow your days like that dark cloud and it feels like no heat, light or warmth is reaching you. It makes you sad and steals the joy out of your life. But I offer you joy unspeakable and full of glory, life and vitality. All you need to do is ask Holy Spirit to blow on your wand of faith, and joy will rise like this bubble. And instead of the bubble being broken by the air pressure all around, you will see the dark clouds disperse and sun will fill and flood your day again'

I begin to feel warm all over as a glow spreads from inside my tummy outwards. The air shimmers and I shield my eyes against the brilliance of rainbow-coloured flares. However, doubts still surge through my child-like heart as I long to trust and believe, but have to voice my fears first. 

'Where will you be, Jesus? And what happens if the sky stays cloudy?' He tilts my chin toward His sweet face and I look into the most tender, loving gaze I've ever seen. His voice whispers deep to my toes and reverberates through the sun's haze as He reminds me that He's always right here beside me, and says no cloud will ever cover up His Light, for it shines even in darkness.

I'm to expect Him to brighten up each day whenever I seek His face, and to look for the rainbow appearing after stormy skies have passed by. That will be a sign of His promise to restore life, light, colour and joy to my world once again."

And I did have times of blowing bubbles as a child, enjoying their tactile magic. In the image above I'm overshadowing my twin sister and cousin as I hog the bubble-blowing, sitting on the edge of the bench in my eagerness to make them go higher and further.

I also remember my mother using a green bar of 'Fairy' soap as she scrubbed laundry stains, causing lather bubbles for us to wonder at, as well as concentrated 'Fairy liquid' washing-up liquid agitated into lovely, multi-coloured rainbow foam-squirts sparkling in the sink.

Those memories are given a fresh perspective from the lens of age and grace. 

If my parents were usually overly busy, anxious, stressed, angry, neglectful and dysfunctional custodians, they were also able to relax and be surprisingly attentive ~ if only for split seconds, mere moments in time, brief precious periods in my personal history.

Yet is is those positive snapshots I am choosing to cling to as I walk with God along the path of healing my wounded emotions, one tiny, faltering step at a time. 

Each grey day can have a better outlook in His eyes as He helps us to see His continually reassuring presence through it all, to rest in His provision even In This. 

Because God knows us intimately; He sees all we go through in the span of our lives and knows the truth of who we can become in relationship with Him.

My recollections were stirred by reading 'Finding Spiritual Whitespace:Awakening Your Soul To Rest' by Bonnie Gray. 

Confession:I have been stopping and starting this book over the last few months because it is working soul deep and re-visiting childhood pain again is, well, pretty painful. Now, I sense God calling me to persevere with it and allow Him to awaken me fully to how I can rest my restless, anxious soul more in Him. 

You can read this truly helpful book as I'm doing, quietly, slowly and privately by yourself, dipping in and out as needed, or alongside others in Bonnie's book club on her Facebook page.

Over to you:

How do you feel as you look back on your childhood? 

Have you been given a fresh perspective on it as you've grown older?

Joining with other writing friends at these grace-filled places:

Bonnie ~ Beloved Brews

Holley ~ Coffee for Your Heart

Jennifer ~ Tell His Story