Let the flame burn

She was on a mission. Nothing was going to stop her.

Chin lifted high, head in the clouds, determination in every step, pounding the pavement with purpose.

On the cusp of full womanhood, her heart glowed fierce for the lover of her soul.

Scorning fear, she burned with a message to share. Tasting mercy and Love Divine for the first time ~ how could she help but speak about it?

Eyes bright with intent, she breezed her way into clubs and pubs, high school platform, public places, missions.

She was oblivious to hostile stares or rejection, swishing it away like the dress-folds dancing around her boots.

Here hope blazed bold.

Here lay a mind illuminated by Truth and a soul set on fire for God.

And now?

I marvel at her unself-consciousness, her courage, faith and fortitude.

My younger self ~ so secure in the fact she was loved and accepted by her Lord and Saviour ~ braving the boundaries of her time and situation.

All of this came before the catastrophic crash of a mind splintered by a mental health breakdown, until God helped her to slowly pick up and put together each shattered piece.

Before shame, guilt and fear haunted her days and nights.

Before the pressure and stress of life loomed large.

Before the Divine flame within flickered low almost to extinction.

Prior to pain pervading and pulverising her frame.

Before being bound by weakness, sickness and infirmity.

She walked strong. Kept the faith. Yielded all. 

I barely recognise the young woman I used to be. A pang of regret and envy stirs deep.

I yearn for change. I desire for God to light a fire in me again. Let this flicker become a steady flame to warm other hearts and speak of His great love for me.

Maybe you do too?

We can all fall away in word, deed or thought. Give up seeking, asking, hoping, believing.

And now? I long to experience all that God has in mind for me right here, right now. In this Autumnal season of my life let there be a bonfire of all that holds me back. 

God gives us special grace as new believers to walk close and sense His Presence, to have joy in believing and knowing we are saved.

We're on fire and it shows in our faces, behaviour and speech.

Then life intervenes... we falter, become neglectful and forgetful, doubts spring up; our flame becomes a mere spark.

We try to keep going in our own strength instead of relying on His.

But as long as there is even a hint, a faint glimmer of hope, and faith and trust in Him, God ignites the fire again. A smouldering wick He will not quench.

Will you join me in asking Him to ignite a fire again?

'A prayer for change'

Lord of earth, sky and sea

would You ignite a fire in me?

As your Word beams laser-bright

into all-encompassing darkness, to reveal

a shining Light of Truth and purity,

so may I, in my small corner obscurity

be a glint and glimmer to all in sight

of Your great love, mercy, grace and light.

Whether by the words I write or speak

the acts I do throughout the week

all should tell of a burning love for You

that is consistent, deep and true.

And even if I am tired or sick

and my light is a wavering candlewick

I know that when the time is ready

You will make it flame strong and steady

to be a source of warmth to encourage another

weak and struggling sister or brother.

For I don't want to sleep-walk through my days

but I do want to bathe in Your heavenly rays

and to be consumed in all I say or do

by what consumes You

Amen

©JoyLenton2014

Here's a blast from the past for you ~ The group Parchment singing 'Light up the Fire'. I was privileged to see them perform this live at SPREE {Spiritual Re-Emphasis} Conference just after I became a Christian. I hope you enjoy it too!

A few soul-enhancing, inspiring and firing-up reads to dip into:

'If we could have coffee ~ 30 Days of Heart to Heart Encouragement' by Holley Gerth

'Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God' by Francis Frangipane

'Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening' by Cynthia Borgeault

'Walking on Water ~ Reflections on Faith and Art' by Madeleine L'Engle

********

I always find time spent in God's word and in His Presence, plus Christian books and music help fan the flame within.

I'd love you to share what helps to keep the flame alive in your spirit too

Linking here with Nacole for #concretewords where we write out the abstract with a concrete word prompt. This week's prompt is:'Fire'. 

And with Lyli  for #ThoughtProvokingThursday



     





And with Mel for #EssentialFridays

You are warmly encouraged and invited to join in.

Why a tainted past doesn't have to define the present

It began with heart hammering, dry mouth, sickening dread and a turning away as feet chose to flee rather than face the path they should tread.

Days had passed when conscience, duty and a deep sense of commitment had pressed reluctance aside and forced me forward.

Days spent sink standing while bowls filled to overflowing as thoughts and any sense of time took flight.

Days drenched in sweat-panic, zombie-like trance of automatic responses, care-giving, making conversation of sorts, face and limb washing, giving the appearance of being present while stealing longing glances out the window. Let me escape this place.

For each pallid face and limb of the dead or near dying I washed was a stark reminder of another body laying cold on slab. Out of reach, out of sight, but never out of mind. Grief intruding rudely everywhere as if life is no respecter of it.

Voices giggling, whispering in the vicinity, or are they just in my head? Never mind which, I attend to my patients with all the dignity I can muster.

But I became lost to my surroundings as they pressed heavy with demands I could no longer fulfil.

I sought refuge. A coffee house, library, city centre. Hidden in plain sight. Yet plainly visible (had I been aware) in my nurse's uniform as I often was after running away again.

Soon, my absences were noted. Soon, I would be unable to move out the front door. My room, my world; my head another world more real to me than any other.

Lost to loved ones. Unreachable. Just as dead as the person whose death sparked my breakdown. 

My abuser - a person I loved and trusted as well as hating the things he did - was no longer here to be held accountable and memories rose up to haunt my days and cause me to fall apart.

Months sped by in the real world, yet days stayed the same where I now dwelt in virtual catatonic state.

My beloved kept guard. Refused to allow the men in white coats to take me away. Compromising only in making sure I was seen as a day patient, duly sedated, medicated, assisted, counselled and advised.

For just a few short weeks beforehand we were happy honeymooners. Newly married with life and potential spanning out before us in a glorious vista on the horizon.

Now I was foetal-curled, withdrawn, shut into myself as a way to shut out a hostile world as fear held me tight in its tentacles. 

Our marriage clouded with distance and misunderstanding, coloured with pain, tainted for years to come as the stains of shame lingered on.

I remember little of those days. Just the searing shame and stink of failure that haunted thereafter when I began to recover. Confirmation of things I already felt deep down. Tainted already as damaged goods, unwanted and abused child. Tainted further by disgrace (as I perceived it then) of mental health collapse and failure.

God did not cast me off or forsake me. In His eyes, I was worth dying for.

But I forsook God. Stumbled under the weight of my own cross for years. Felt unworthy of love. Hugged the stain and reproach closer as it became my identity.

More years would pass before I could look at the woman in the mirror with anything less than contempt. The image repugnant. The reminder of all I despised, with 'failure' stamped indelibly on heart and mind.

The one who God saw as beautiful in His sight, the apple of His eye, dearly beloved - as He sees each and every one of us.

It would take much time, healing and renewal of my mind by Holy Spirit before I could begin to accept that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus and He came to set me free from shame and disgrace.

My friend, you may have suffered (or are suffering) similarly with mental or physical health problems that have left you feeling stigmatised, less of a person in your own or society's eyes.

A mind and a life can be overshadowed and purple-patched by pain. Yet when God's light shines on it, like flowers pushing up to catch the sun's rays, there is always hope of healing, new life to come as a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendour.

Where we see darkness and strangling weeds God sees light and new growth.

And there are no failures in His kingdom, only works in progress by His grace. 

Remembering that "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise...the weak things..to shame the strong...the lowly..and the despised things...so that no-one may boast before him" (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

I'd love to share that my life has been one long success story since, but that's not the case. I am being redeemed and renewed bit by bit, day by day - and some days more evidently than others.

It can take a lot of time, much grace, and the perseverance of saturating ourselves in God's word for a mind to be transformed in its thinking. 

But I am living a life where the stains from my past that tainted mind and heart no longer get the final say in who I am and the same can be true for you too. 

*******

Linking here with the lovely Ruth Povey as she hosts #concretewords over at sixinthesticks. We attempt to describe the abstract with a concrete word prompt. This week's prompt is:'Tainted' You are very welcome to join in.

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Lifting the lid on mental health issues

Poetry tends to break forth from my heart before it hits pen and paper, unstoppable as a hymn of praise in a dawn chorus.

Words are shaped in fires of adversity and honed in hues of happiness.

Neutrality is not my norm.

The unlocking of verse usually relies on deep emotion for me.

This poem was birthed in meditating on an event currently being experienced by a family member.

My brother-in-law, Andrew,  has had Schizophrenia since his teens. You can click on the link to find out about this serious mental health illness.

It has had many manifestations, some manageable at home, or in the community, and others requiring specialist care.

Now he is in a bad place mentally where it is hard to reach out to him and harder still to see the person he once was within.

It is a painful thing to witness as a soul seems lost to all but God.

Here is my poetic rendition of his current situation.

I offer it in empathy, sympathy and support for all those who may suffer similarly, plus their families and carers.

And in the hope of promoting greater awareness and understanding of mental health problems in general.

'Locked'

Locked

inside a room

made safe

with softness

nothing hard

nothing sharp

to cause harm

Locked

inside a mind

peopled

made rich

with multiple

conversations

spinning through it

Locked

into the past

which streams

and seems

ever-present

in the here

and now

Locked

out of society

and sense

reason and

rationality

 scrambling round

in vain

Locked

away and observed

by those

paid to care

bathe bodies

soothing mind

being kind

Locked

and hospitalised

medicated

sedated

until a key

can be found

to set free

©JoyLenton2o13

(All rights reserved)

Very few of us will get through life completely untouched or unaffected by mental health issues, either in our own lives or those of our loved ones, family and friends. 

Even fear and anxiety problems can become all-consuming and paralysing.

Mental health disorders can be relatively mild or severe, ranging from debilitating stress to clinical depression, through to paranoia and psychosis.

All need to be taken seriously, treated with care and compassion, with appropriate medical attention and treatment sought as necessary.

Though we can be 'locked in' or 'locked out' in other ways too in terms of isolation, loneliness, and being marginalised or misunderstood by others, often leading to great misery and devastating effects on self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

Let's aim to befriend, support and care for one another;  to demonstrate God's love and compassion in action to those we know who may need extra understanding and kindness right now.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12