Travelling closer to home

Of all the journeys we make, none take so long nor have such a lasting effect on our lives as our journey of life and faith.

And within that journey, one of the hardest routes is this ~ the one God's word needs to negotiate to have its fullest impact ~ the distance between our head and our heart.

A mere 12 inches or so can feel like many miles of weary trudging with no respite or end in sight. We believe but we somehow fail to receive.

We long for instant inspiration, restoration and change, only God takes His time with us.

His best and deepest work cannot be rushed. We are continual works in progress, slowly being sanctified day by day from one degree of glory to another.

For change to be lasting and effective, we need a revelation on who we are in Christ and how that impacts everything else. 

Every step we take. Every relationship we make. Every mistake we hesitate over. Every word we utter, every desire to be seen, heard or to take cover.

It has taken me many years to grasp the fundamentals of this alone. I'm a slow learner.

I've travelled a path of guilt and shame, worn it into dirt and ashes, lost myself in its greyness, choked on the dust of it.

Become unravelled as it spooled out before me in torn and tangled threads.

Failed to see how beauty could come out of ashes, joy out of despair, hope from helplessness. 

But God.. is teaching me to see myself whole, healed and restored in Him. 

As wounded ones with broken wings we feel tethered to earth.

Weighed down and set aside.

Until God gently lifts us up and sets us free to fly again.

His current of grace and mercy revives and refreshes all who are weary and wounded.

We are enabled to fly free and whole within the very air He breathes.

And to discover holy ground is also here; for in the things of earth, in the mud of the mundane and soil of the secular His Presence still surrounds us.

Though shame and guilt seek to pull us back to grubbing in dirt and ashes if we let them, they have no lasting hold over us.

Because as long as we learn to accept His forgiveness, and forgive ourselves as well, there is nothing stopping us from travelling light, flying free and soaring high. 

Every journey we take eventually leads us back to the Father's arms, back to His loving embrace.

We are returning to the place where we came from and will always belong ~ the place of completeness, goodness, forgiveness, love, acceptance and grace.

Our heavenly home made manifest in God's kingdom on earth, where its roots dig deep into our souls, with its fullness to come in eternity.

And this home may be the last place we think to look as we make our restless travels and travails of the soul as prodigal sojourners here.

But it is the only place where we can be truly free to be ourselves as God intended us to be, and fully, unconditionally loved just as we are.

Emily Wierenga, (who I have quoted from above) finally found herself flying free after her many journeys away in body, mind and spirit eventually led her to a place of grace and healing. 

She writes vividly about the process in her inspiring book, 'Atlas Girl' (You can click here to check it out and see my review) and discover more about her journey of life and faith on her beautiful blog. 

This post has been inspired by reading her candid and moving memoir. I encourage you to read it too and find inspiration for your own journey of life and faith.

Wallowing in the mire

It wasn't planned. It never is. Feelings take over and a flood pours out.

Isn't that always the way? These things sneak up on us unawares. 

All of a sudden we spew forth dirty words. Falling fast as raindrops and just as impossible to stem the flow. 

I grow impatient and irritable when fatigue and frustration reach simmering point. It's hard being dependent with M.E and chronic illness sometimes. 

My ultra keen observer eye still notices everything, including all those "I wouldn't do it like that" instances.

Watching while others are doing things I am unable to do doesn't prevent me from having a point of view about it.

Today was one of those days when carping and criticism replaced kindness and concern. A hasty harangue spilled forth before I knew what was happening. 

Ignoring my beloved's crestfallen face, weary resignation, and attempts to placate me, I continued in my spiel. 

Getting all self-righteous and defensive. Feeling justified, even if words spoken in haste tend to be repented at leisure.

Scalded by the heat of words rising to burn us both and sear the air around. 

Though this wasn't exactly a rare, isolated incident. Anger, upset, frustration and impatience sit close to the surface.

I withdrew. A weighty stone of shame sat heavy on my chest, refusing to be swallowed.

Gnawing at the edges of my nails as if I could bite the bad away.

Tasting grit as guilt ate at the core of me.

Only sooner than usual, my mind reminded me of Grace Revealed In Trials and how to dig deep into the soil of His word instead of digging over the past few shameful moments. 

Here lies rich, fertile soil to run through the soul. Embed in the empty spaces. Good ground to turn over, till and test.

Plant some faith seeds and watch them grow. Sow a crop of righteousness instead of sowing to destruction. 

Here lies water. A cool refreshing stream of cleansing. Purification to renew heart and mind. 

I was having a bad day and it showed. But I was also having trouble showing myself grace and mercy.

If a friend were suffering likewise I would take her hand and offer reassurance. 

Listen to her words and those left unsaid.

Look into her eyes and tell her things weren't as bad as they seemed and God has forgiveness enough to cover it all. 

His love for her will never fail. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient for all our needs. 

Remind her we're no longer soil dwellers ~ rooted to earth as we are ~ but seated in heavenly places with Christ. And as such we have all the resources of heaven at our disposal. 

Wallowing in the mire is a passing place where we find grace to lift us out of any pit we may have fallen into. 

Dig gently to try to unearth the root behind the bad fruit so that she can proceed with greater awareness and wisdom in future. 

Suggest she has some TLC to recover her equilibrium ~ a hot bath, massage, reading a great book, eating chocolate/ice-cream curled up in PJs, or whatever it takes.

Let her know she's going to be Okay and reading this book will help her to know that better. 

So why do we have such a hard job forgiving and being kind to ourselves?

We so often fail to show mercy toward our own faults and failings and can be our own worst enemy. Especially if our past is far from pristine and our current circumstances are far from Pinterest perfect.

Perhaps it's time to stop digging the dirt on ourselves and let the light of God's presence in.

For darkness cannot abide in its purity. Truth will out. And the truth is we are radically and outrageously loved by God Himself. 

He has paved the way to remove all the dirt from our souls and muddied speech from our mouths ~ one golden grace drop at a time ~ to renew and restore all that is sullied and broken.

What do you think? Is it hard for you to be kind to yourself?
Do join the discussion in the comments below.

Linking here with Nacole, Holley and Jennifer

Let the flame burn

She was on a mission. Nothing was going to stop her.

Chin lifted high, head in the clouds, determination in every step, pounding the pavement with purpose.

On the cusp of full womanhood, her heart glowed fierce for the lover of her soul.

Scorning fear, she burned with a message to share. Tasting mercy and Love Divine for the first time ~ how could she help but speak about it?

Eyes bright with intent, she breezed her way into clubs and pubs, high school platform, public places, missions.

She was oblivious to hostile stares or rejection, swishing it away like the dress-folds dancing around her boots.

Here hope blazed bold.

Here lay a mind illuminated by Truth and a soul set on fire for God.

And now?

I marvel at her unself-consciousness, her courage, faith and fortitude.

My younger self ~ so secure in the fact she was loved and accepted by her Lord and Saviour ~ braving the boundaries of her time and situation.

All of this came before the catastrophic crash of a mind splintered by a mental health breakdown, until God helped her to slowly pick up and put together each shattered piece.

Before shame, guilt and fear haunted her days and nights.

Before the pressure and stress of life loomed large.

Before the Divine flame within flickered low almost to extinction.

Prior to pain pervading and pulverising her frame.

Before being bound by weakness, sickness and infirmity.

She walked strong. Kept the faith. Yielded all. 

I barely recognise the young woman I used to be. A pang of regret and envy stirs deep.

I yearn for change. I desire for God to light a fire in me again. Let this flicker become a steady flame to warm other hearts and speak of His great love for me.

Maybe you do too?

We can all fall away in word, deed or thought. Give up seeking, asking, hoping, believing.

And now? I long to experience all that God has in mind for me right here, right now. In this Autumnal season of my life let there be a bonfire of all that holds me back. 

God gives us special grace as new believers to walk close and sense His Presence, to have joy in believing and knowing we are saved.

We're on fire and it shows in our faces, behaviour and speech.

Then life intervenes... we falter, become neglectful and forgetful, doubts spring up; our flame becomes a mere spark.

We try to keep going in our own strength instead of relying on His.

But as long as there is even a hint, a faint glimmer of hope, and faith and trust in Him, God ignites the fire again. A smouldering wick He will not quench.

Will you join me in asking Him to ignite a fire again?

'A prayer for change'

Lord of earth, sky and sea

would You ignite a fire in me?

As your Word beams laser-bright

into all-encompassing darkness, to reveal

a shining Light of Truth and purity,

so may I, in my small corner obscurity

be a glint and glimmer to all in sight

of Your great love, mercy, grace and light.

Whether by the words I write or speak

the acts I do throughout the week

all should tell of a burning love for You

that is consistent, deep and true.

And even if I am tired or sick

and my light is a wavering candlewick

I know that when the time is ready

You will make it flame strong and steady

to be a source of warmth to encourage another

weak and struggling sister or brother.

For I don't want to sleep-walk through my days

but I do want to bathe in Your heavenly rays

and to be consumed in all I say or do

by what consumes You

Amen

©JoyLenton2014

Here's a blast from the past for you ~ The group Parchment singing 'Light up the Fire'. I was privileged to see them perform this live at SPREE {Spiritual Re-Emphasis} Conference just after I became a Christian. I hope you enjoy it too!

A few soul-enhancing, inspiring and firing-up reads to dip into:

'If we could have coffee ~ 30 Days of Heart to Heart Encouragement' by Holley Gerth

'Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God' by Francis Frangipane

'Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening' by Cynthia Borgeault

'Walking on Water ~ Reflections on Faith and Art' by Madeleine L'Engle

********

I always find time spent in God's word and in His Presence, plus Christian books and music help fan the flame within.

I'd love you to share what helps to keep the flame alive in your spirit too

Linking here with Nacole for #concretewords where we write out the abstract with a concrete word prompt. This week's prompt is:'Fire'. 

And with Lyli  for #ThoughtProvokingThursday



     





And with Mel for #EssentialFridays

You are warmly encouraged and invited to join in.

Me and my shadow

Hi,

Hope your week is going according to plan. I find very little does in my world. 

For instance, this blog entry was going to be a time for sharing autumnal thoughts - a nice, light, poetic break from the rather heavy issues I seem to have been covering recently.

Then something intruded on my thoughts and plans.

An unwelcome shadow cast itself over my week

And that shadow came from me. It was:

Unwarranted
Unwelcome
A painful jolt
Emotionally challenging
Begging to be noticed
A blast from the past
Impossible to ignore

So what could I do except try to write about it?

Well, maybe...

Panic
Pray
Read the bible
Speak to someone
Turn the thoughts into words -  a poem perhaps

Believe me, I have tried them all and found a degree of release and help in each. Now I am sharing some of my story  here in the hope that someone can relate to it and be helped too.

Emotional pain, like any other, requires a trigger. All it takes is: A sight, A sound, A smell, A remembrance. Once triggered, it pops up genie-like to seek instruction.

And begs the question: Does it serve us or do we serve it?

For many years I have wrestled with painful issues from my past - a dysfunctional family, childhood abuse, complete mental health breakdown and other losses along the way.

I know that events from the past can cast a long shadow and are never that far away. 

When they surface it hits me with a sharp pang of remembrance. They seemed dead and buried. Counselling and therapy had their natural end. Closure was secured. Healing had come. Or so I thought. My life has moved on - hasn't it?

Yet scars remain and may always do so to some extent, even when the wounds heal over.
You cannot see them on the surface but those who know me best are aware they are there. 

I am free from the severity of their wounding, though still vulnerable to attacks that come from nowhere and leave me feeling wretched and drained, surprised all over again at the vehemence of the feelings that ensue.

Most of the time I can live heedless of their presence, with my memories-  like those of most - tinged with pleasure and nostalgia instead of anxiety, fear and pain.

I am only offering a tiny glimpse of my shadow self here - a peek behind the curtains to the inner sanctum. In time I hope to have the courage to share my story further if that is what I need to do. Sometimes that feels like a step too far. Can't I just draw the curtain, bolt the door and let it return to the recesses of my mind?

The genie may refuse to go back in the bottle though and make me its slave instead of letting me be the master.

The main lesson I have learnt as a Christian through my years of emotional, spiritual and physical pain is that I am on a continual healing journey towards change, transformation, restoration and renewal.

Today, I seek to connect with those who are hurting. Another day I will share more of my story with emphasis on the way God is bringing His light, hope, help and healing to bear on my life.

 "Blessings alone do not open our eyes. Indeed, blessings by themselves tend to close our eyes. We do not come to know Him in the blessing, but in the breaking" ~ Chip Brogden

 The poem below speaks of this shadow side infiltrating my mind.

'Memories'

You remain

like a blot on the landscape

A festering wound

beneath the surface.

Your presence lingers

threatens and devours.

I seek freedom

at any price

as you scratch

ink-stained etchings

on my mind.

Purple scars pooling

drowning out sense and sight.

Shadowy remnants 

loom as substance

filling and spilling

leaking through tears

resistant to 

brushing away.

Engulfing fingers

pointing, accusing

as they strangle

the fragile hope

I had gained.

©JoyLenton2012

How do you deal with shadows from the past?

What helps or hinders that process?

I welcome your comments.