Wallowing in the mire

It wasn't planned. It never is. Feelings take over and a flood pours out.

Isn't that always the way? These things sneak up on us unawares. 

All of a sudden we spew forth dirty words. Falling fast as raindrops and just as impossible to stem the flow. 

I grow impatient and irritable when fatigue and frustration reach simmering point. It's hard being dependent with M.E and chronic illness sometimes. 

My ultra keen observer eye still notices everything, including all those "I wouldn't do it like that" instances.

Watching while others are doing things I am unable to do doesn't prevent me from having a point of view about it.

Today was one of those days when carping and criticism replaced kindness and concern. A hasty harangue spilled forth before I knew what was happening. 

Ignoring my beloved's crestfallen face, weary resignation, and attempts to placate me, I continued in my spiel. 

Getting all self-righteous and defensive. Feeling justified, even if words spoken in haste tend to be repented at leisure.

Scalded by the heat of words rising to burn us both and sear the air around. 

Though this wasn't exactly a rare, isolated incident. Anger, upset, frustration and impatience sit close to the surface.

I withdrew. A weighty stone of shame sat heavy on my chest, refusing to be swallowed.

Gnawing at the edges of my nails as if I could bite the bad away.

Tasting grit as guilt ate at the core of me.

Only sooner than usual, my mind reminded me of Grace Revealed In Trials and how to dig deep into the soil of His word instead of digging over the past few shameful moments. 

Here lies rich, fertile soil to run through the soul. Embed in the empty spaces. Good ground to turn over, till and test.

Plant some faith seeds and watch them grow. Sow a crop of righteousness instead of sowing to destruction. 

Here lies water. A cool refreshing stream of cleansing. Purification to renew heart and mind. 

I was having a bad day and it showed. But I was also having trouble showing myself grace and mercy.

If a friend were suffering likewise I would take her hand and offer reassurance. 

Listen to her words and those left unsaid.

Look into her eyes and tell her things weren't as bad as they seemed and God has forgiveness enough to cover it all. 

His love for her will never fail. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient for all our needs. 

Remind her we're no longer soil dwellers ~ rooted to earth as we are ~ but seated in heavenly places with Christ. And as such we have all the resources of heaven at our disposal. 

Wallowing in the mire is a passing place where we find grace to lift us out of any pit we may have fallen into. 

Dig gently to try to unearth the root behind the bad fruit so that she can proceed with greater awareness and wisdom in future. 

Suggest she has some TLC to recover her equilibrium ~ a hot bath, massage, reading a great book, eating chocolate/ice-cream curled up in PJs, or whatever it takes.

Let her know she's going to be Okay and reading this book will help her to know that better. 

So why do we have such a hard job forgiving and being kind to ourselves?

We so often fail to show mercy toward our own faults and failings and can be our own worst enemy. Especially if our past is far from pristine and our current circumstances are far from Pinterest perfect.

Perhaps it's time to stop digging the dirt on ourselves and let the light of God's presence in.

For darkness cannot abide in its purity. Truth will out. And the truth is we are radically and outrageously loved by God Himself. 

He has paved the way to remove all the dirt from our souls and muddied speech from our mouths ~ one golden grace drop at a time ~ to renew and restore all that is sullied and broken.

What do you think? Is it hard for you to be kind to yourself?
Do join the discussion in the comments below.

Linking here with Nacole, Holley and Jennifer

Sinking but not sunk

Confession time today - I'm a bit of a hand-wash harridan.

As a nurse, I spent more time than I care to count washing my hands at a sink.

Those were the days before alcohol sprays and hand-sanitisers were prevalent.

We washed and scrubbed as if our lives (or that of our patients at least) depended on it.

Germs didn't stand a chance!

As a mother of two young sons, I waged war on the dirt that clung with magnetic-like resistance and repulsed attempts to dislodge itself from football and rugby kit.

Somehow, dirt and boys have an irresistible attraction to one another.

In the era that was pre 'In-wash' grime-grabbers, it was a siege against soil wrought with a large bar of green 'Fairy' soap, scrubbing brush in hand, 'elbow grease' and dogged determination that succeeded in shifting the stains enough to allow machine to take over.

Before little boys graced our lives, I lived as one chained to sink.

Mine red hands that cracked, chapped with soreness, dry as paper, rough as a washerwoman's.

For I could not shift stains that seeped from heart so soiled it leaked over every surface

Nothing I touched was safe. Germs and dirt lurked everywhere. Nothing shifted it.

In matters of my heart's state, it was more of a Lady Macbeth cry of, "Will these hands ne'er be clean?" as I scrubbed yet again at the crusted-on soil of my imperfections.

Not just the hands, but heart, mind and everything else.

Peter-like, seeking total immersion in Christ's washing power.

In life, I have many a heart-sink moment as the following thoughts invade:

I'm a failure. I can't do this. I'm drowning. I'm my own worst enemy.

Etcetera....etcetera...

No matter how many times I try to clean up on the inside, I fail continually

Spring-cleaning as we know it doesn't help clean ingrained dirt in heart, mind and life.

Though even in the grime-busting there remains a beauty of sorts as bubbles burst with rainbow radiance - a visible reminder of the wondrous power of God's grace to remove our stains. 

Just lately, self-esteem has hit rock bottom. The detritus of discouragement has dirtied my thoughts with its muddy footprints.

Comparison has stolen my joy. Competitiveness sours my peace. Criticism (generally of the self-inflicted variety) saps my confidence.

How dare I have the temerity to pursue a God-sized dream, write a blog and start an on-line course, when health and energy are always compromised? Who do I think I am?

I am continually reminded of my weak human frailty and condition.

Then I remember how God fashioned us as clay - earthy, malleable, ready to be made fit for purpose. And that takes time, co-operation, willingness and obedience.

His purpose involves rescuing from those things that hold us captive; yes, even saving us from ourselves, our worst thoughts, activities and desires. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." ~ Psalm 40:1-2

God sees our potential even as we drown in poison.

He places His own desires, plans and purposes in our hearts. 

We can stand strong instead of mud-sinking.

The Rock we stand on is Christ Himself. Firm. Immovable. Strong. Dependable.

We are seed-bearers of His goodness and carriers of His grace, beautiful in His sight.

Image Courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Though we may still feel grubby, dirt-laden, unclean and soiled, God's word tells us we are washed clean once and for all by the blood of Christ, renewed and restored as an on-going process by His grace.

This gives me hope that though I may sink at times, I am never sunk

Love lifted me and He still does - every single day.

These are words God encouraged me with in prayer and I hope they will bless you too:

Prayer Whispers

"It is in those times when you lose sight of Me and become more focused on the opinion and approval of others that you are tempted to sink into a sea of self-pity or drown in discouragement and despair. Lift your head out of that pit and see Me. I have been here all along. My arm ready to reach down and pull you out as soon as you recognised where you were. Pits and valleys are part of Kingdom living in this world, although you are not intended to stay in them. They are passing-places where lessons are learnt and growth and change begin to occur as you move through them and out the other side. Take My hand today and allow Me to draw you gently onto safe ground and pleasant pastures. Feed on My word, abide in My Presence, soak in My love, and you will be healed, renewed and restored to journey on"

Will you join me in taking hold of the hand of Christ?

He specialises in spring-cleaning our souls.

We're not designed for swamp living, though we can be pretty happy splashing about in muddy waters if that's all we've known.

Let's allow Him to lift us out of the mud and mire we may have slipped into and place us in the safety of His cleansing, healing, loving embrace.

*******

This week Kimberly Coyle is hosting #concretewords - where we write in the abstract using a concrete word prompt - over at her site. The prompt is 'The Sink'.

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