Lifting the lid on sex and sickness

Ever since I've been blogging I've tried to stay faithful to the message I believe God has given me to share.

Sometimes that can make me uncomfortable.

 My natural desire, yearning really, is to be bright, chatty, light and encouraging.

But, more often than not, I've been asked to go deep, intense even.

To write about things that are not usually discussed in polite conversation.

Now I am lifting the lid on sex and sickness issues.

Did that 3 letter word grab your attention?

It has a way of doing that. 

Our world celebrates, deifies and worships at the altar of sex as if it's going out of fashion...as if...and advertising glorifies it in all its air-brushed, honed and toned, artificial perfection.

We can be left feeling deflated, discouraged and defeated before we ever get round to performance.

So what is a mature (in years anyway) Christian woman like me doing by opening up this proverbial can of worms?

It's precisely because God invented it in the first place and ordained it as an act of consummation, union and communion of marriage that it is open to discussion for Christian believers.

And in Scripture, the Song of Songs/Solomon stands alone as a celebration of sexual love as well as being perceived as an allegory for Christ and the church.

I'm not coming at this from the stance of moral, theological debate or opinion (though I have a strong personal persuasion there), nor from a medical, ethical viewpoint ~ though I used to be a nurse and worked in gynaecology for a few years.

Rather, my part is to share some thoughts from experience as a woman in her 50s with chronic health problems who wants to raise awareness.

Contrary to popular opinion, one doesn't necessarily lose interest in sexual intimacy in mid-life, age 50, 60 or beyond, even if ability and agility may be less reliable than before.

Neither does interest necessarily wane when chronic illness/disability affects and afflicts us and make functioning complicated.

Couples in this scenario who love one another, and desire to be physically intimate, may have to be more sensitive, understanding, patient (and inventive) but not necessarily desist altogether.

An inability (enforced by physical illness) to make love fully and freely is an additional burden, strain and frustration in a limited and constrained life.

When chronic illness affects either partner, it can leave a legacy of great fatigue, pain and weakness that make any kind of sexual contact (never mind gymnastics) very hard to achieve.

Yes, I am fully aware that there is so much more to a marriage relationship than sex, and those other factors enhance the love and friendship that already exists between a couple.

Though nothing beats the deep bonding effect of sexual intimacy; it's an act where mind, body and spirit engage together and can provide a brief touch of 'heaven on earth' at its most sublime.

But, for those who are forced to prematurely alter or relinquish what they had previously enjoyed it is a bitter pill to swallow, requiring further adjustments to a changed lifestyle.

I've outlined these potential problems in long-term relationships. Just think about how great the problems are for those who are younger and/or single, with every expectation of a healthy sex life to come.

To find those normal and natural expectations thwarted or unmet due to chronic sickness is a huge disappointment, source of frustration, sadness and discouragement.

Loving and being loved are among the greatest human needs we have and they encompass multiple expressions of being close and special to one another in various ways.

Adjustments are often necessary as we reach senior years, and also as we adapt to having long-term health problems at any age.

Despite media hype, very few of us will have a so-called 'perfect' sex life. The best we can hope for is that our sex lives will be mutually satisfying and fulfilling.

I haven't included mental health issues, problems or illness here. But they (and the side effects of medication) all play a highly significant role in potentially causing alteration in both sexual function and self-esteem, requiring further adaptation and adjustment.

So why am I speaking out about these issues?

Surely they are private things?

Well, yes, and no. So many issues get side-lined, ignored or neglected simply due to fear or embarrassment about "What might people think?"

Because I am seeking to press past people-approval issues in my life in general, it seems timely to write about it now in a 'feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway' kind of way. Also:

• It affects me a great deal personally ~ due to my chronic illness, disability, history of childhood sexual and emotional abuse leading to mental health breakdown and sexual dysfunction, I cannot easily be the sexy wife my husband deserves and needs ~ as I have shared in this open post about my marriage.
• Many suffer silently and need to know they are not isolated or alone.
• Sweeping these problems under the carpet only leads to them creeping out again, ready to trip us up when we least expect it.
• Providing an open forum aids greater understanding and respect for sufferers.
• Life is enhanced by mutual support and hope of seeing change.
• Finally, I'm at that stage when I'm growing older and bolder in my life and writing!

And, though we may try hard to conceal it, all of us are broken, wounded people to some extent or other.

Though Jesus defeated sin, sickness and death on the cross, we do not witness the full physical reality of that in this lifetime, but will only do so in His kingdom to come. For not everyone gets healed or delivered this side of heaven. 

We live with contradiction and mystery. We also live with great hope for the future. Here now, with God, we are on a journey toward greater healing and wholeness.

One day, these perishable, earthly bodies will be fully redeemed and become imperishable, eternal, resurrection bodies. And I, for one, can't wait!

What do you think?

How have these issues impacted your life or the life of your loved ones?

Please feel free to join the discussion in the comments below.

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**Note** This post was partly written in draft form several months ago, awaiting such a time as this when I felt brave enough to share. My hope and prayer is that it will help others who are struggling in this area too.

Thank you to all those who took part in the 'Love Idol' draw in my last post. A winner has been selected at random from all who left a comment. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to complete the draw, but my health has been particularly challenging over the last month.

However, I'm delighted to announce that Ceil's name was drawn (by my OH) as the winner. Congratulations, Ceil! Please send me your snail mail address and a copy of 'Love Idol' will be winging it's way to you asap. 

When you need a hero

Don't we all need a hero/heroine to look up to?

Didn't Bonnie Tyler make us all yearn for one?

Someone who has made tracks in snow while we tread careful in their footprints.

Someone who makes us sigh with aspiration...if only... we could look/act/be like them.

If you asked who inspires me, I'd be hard pressed to name but one.

There are so many writers/poets/bloggers who consistently call me to come up higher. 

There are faithful, Christ-loving, family-centred, life-affirming, hope-giving individuals who give me pause for thought.

And yet...

Is choosing maybe a little closer to home?

Inspiration can be found anywhere. Heroes are not all adrenaline-fueled, go-getters.

Sometimes it's the person quietly and faithfully living out their days, battling life's challenges with perseverance, steely-eyed endurance, grit and determination.

Courage wears many faces and can be seen in the unlikeliest of places.

What if this person is not only on my doorstep but in my home?

A man who would rate himself a zero in the hero and courageous stakes.

A man who lives a life circumscribed by fear. Haunted by "What if?", taunted by, "If only".

A man who shies away from crowds. Avoids public places. Has to fight demons of his own on a daily basis.

Here's the thing. On paper he may look the least likely candidate. But, put him in the fire of adversity for nearly 40 years and though he may be a little scorched around the edges, he rises to fight another day, and another, and so on.

Displaying courage and tenacity he never knew he had until tried and tested.

Not many men could find it in their hearts to give and give and give some more to a woman who failed to fully return their love and affection due to her battle with childhood sexual abuse ~ especially when his primary love language is 'physical touch'.

Not many men could see their bride collapse a few short weeks after the wedding as her mind and personality splintered before him ~ and not feel shortchanged by the new woman who emerged.  

Nor could they have all this hanging over them, only to witness her painful deterioration in health ~ resulting in loss of career and any kind of active life ~ then become the main person to take care of both her and the home when his own job prospects were gone.

To my mind this is the stuff of heroes. Any coward can walk away from a marriage or a life they didn't plan for. It takes real love and guts to stick it out. 

To not only stay but keep on loving, keep on giving, keep on sacrificing, keep on believing for better.

No-one else mirrors the servanthood of Christ to me like my husband. His actions stem from a heart set on fire by Love Himself.

If he wasn't around to tend to my needs, take care of the home and take on heavy responsibilities, then this blog (and poetryjoy.com) wouldn't exist at all. 

There would be no spare energy and time for me to write if he didn't make sure the majority of the household tasks were taken care of. 

He bakes bread, cooks, cleans, irons, drives, shops, tidies, keeps me close in his loving arms and dear to his heart.

All this effort given willingly, even though he struggles with his own physical and mental health challenges.

There would be far less opportunity for me to work through my past in the expressing of it here {with the hope of helping others feel less alone in their pain} if he wasn't around to see to life's essentials. 

And far less ability to befriend, communicate with and offer mutual support and encouragement to all my on-line friends, including those with M.E and chronic illness, and fellow writers/poets.

My world would narrow considerably. Life would be more of a struggle and challenge. Finding another loaf of bread to suit my fussy tastes would be just the tip of the iceberg!

So this man, my husband, chief confidant and best friend, is the most inspiring person I know and the one who impacts my life hugely.

Just like the best wine, appreciating my husband's finer qualities took time and maturity. He grew gradually into his role. Now it fits who he is like a well-worn pair of slippers.

I only have to witness his words and deeds to know Jesus lives in him and inspires him to be my 'here on earth' helpmate and hero ~ even if he never considers himself as such.

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" ~ Proverbs 20:6

He's not perfect. Some days frustration sours him, discouragement sits deep and he treads weary. But he means the world to me and I see far more light in him than darkness. 

Because heroes come in all shapes and sizes yours may look entirely different, but you'll recognise them anyway. 

I'd already found the greatest hero of all in Jesus before I met this one. And He knew who I needed in my life to inspire me to live well too. 

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Who inspires you the most?

Feel free to join in the conversation in the comments.

**NOTE** ~ To celebrate how much of a gift and blessing my husband is to me, I am giving away a free copy of 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp to a person chosen at random from those leaving a comment below.

Joining here with Holley for #coffeeforyourheart

And with Lyli for #thoughtprovokingthursday

Rest

In place of the usual offerings here, I am starting a new venture for me as I link up for the first time with Five Minute Friday.

This is a real challenge of grit and courage as I am a perfectionist (working on that one) who normally writes and writes, edits and edits...writes... until I am happy with something and ready to publish it. 

Even then, it goes our with heart-in-mouth concern and angst, heavily dosed with prayer.

Now, I have to write for 5 minutes flat on the subject of 'Rest' - no editing, no over-thinking, no backtracking. Deep breath..you can do this..here goes..start the clock..

In a life constrained by chronic sickness it may seem that resting is all I do.

Though my body may be still and inactive for long periods, my mind is an ever-whirring clock ticking on relentlessly.

Times of real rest and refreshment only come when I pause to soak in God's presence.

With His Spirit hovering within and without me I find my thoughts calmed and stilled.

He becomes my focus. 

Other concerns fade and pale into insignificance for those few moments of connection.

During the day I snatch hungrily at little seconds of conversation. 

Our souls need the restful watering of His love and grace that He desires to pour upon us.

We are dry, empty, thirsty vessels without it. 

The world's cacophony, noise and chaos only serve to drain us of peace and rest.

Come away - sit with Him and learn to be still and know that He is God. 

You won't regret finding an oasis of calm in the midst of busyness...

Phew! Clock stopped. Adrenaline subsiding. Doesn't the time go quickly? Five minutes feels so short. Nevertheless, something is written and I hope it will bless you.

Linking up here with Lisa-Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday blog hop.

Do hop over and join in the fun!'