How to regain joy and peace

Several days have passed in a cloud of unknowing.

Mists of time where I have lost sense of God's presence.

Drifted away within a haze of pain, a plethora of painkillers and a fog of fatigue.

I've felt too weary to pray, to read, to converse, or be seen.

But God...

He held me closer than the sharp darts of pain.

He kept me safe when I failed to notice His Presence.

He reminded me of My great need of His grace.

He whispered words of comfort to my aching, frustrated heart.

This too shall pass. No pain is ever permanent or permanently as relentless as this.

No suffering could steal me away from His hands. He is just a breath, a prayer away.

He is ever close to the hurting, the weak, the weary, the discouraged and the needy.

And He reassured me His love for me wasn't based on my performance, effort, ability or the lack thereof. 

God loves us Just As We Are right now, and as we are continually changing into all He intends us to become.

As the fog of forgetfulness, pressure of persistent pain and cloak of weakness began to lift a little today, God also reminded me I still have a voice.

I still have a mission. I still have a word to share. I still have work to do for Him.

A way to encourage others going through tough times.

The key is to keep on listening, keep on trusting, keep on seeking after God's heart, rest where necessary and believe that words will flow when they should.

Now armed with a bit of Holy Spirit-given awareness, peace and energy, I am sharing words God whispered close to me in prayer over a week ago and brought to my remembrance today.

May they help, bless, encourage and reassure you too.

Prayer Whisper:'Regaining joy and peace'

“Don't be so hard on yourself, My child. I see your heart. I know you long to live differently and regain peace and joy. Your wanderings have shown you that seeking such things in the world is fruitless; you will only come up empty every time. The fleeting happiness it offers is rapidly replaced by the sour fruit of envy and comparison, disappointment, doubt and discouragement, sorrow and sadness. Full, true, lasting joy is only to be found in Me. I have an unstoppable flow running from My throne.

Come closer; lift your weary head and seek the light of My countenance. In My Presence is fullness of joy for ever more. Come bathe in My Love-light. Let it fill and flood your very being. There is nothing to be afraid of; there is no darkness here. I bring you hope and healing, and freedom from despair. Come freely; come frequently. Allow My Spirit to fill you to overflowing so that there is blessing to give out to others.

I long for your company, for you to share every aspect of your day and life with Me. There is always a warm welcome here, no matter what has transpired. I offer the mercy, forgiveness, cleansing and restoration you need to heal all your brokenness.

Lay your burdens at My feet and leave them there. Don't be tempted to pick them up again once you go about your day. I will take care of them, carry every single one and answer every need. Trust Me to look after each tiny detail of your life. Nothing is too small to bring to Me, not too heavy for Me to handle. I am your Burden-bearer and the lifter of your head. Release them all into My hands and be freed to live lightly and joyfully again”

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If you would like to be further encouraged in your walk of faith by similar 'Prayer Whispers' then click on the category over at poetryjoy.com to read more.

This post is part of my attempt to #writebraveandfree for #31days, though I am only joining in as health, energy and inspiration allow me to. If you're curious to know more, it all began here.. 

If you are weary and wounded

It doesn't take much to make us feel hurt sometimes. Sensitive people bleed easy and bruises remain.

Some wounds scar deep. The past pervades the present and we feel worn out and weary of fighting for another day.

Other wounds may be raw, fresh, scalding mind and body alike with their intensity.

Living joyfully and freely looks so enticing but how do we make the leap and traverse the chasm between where we are and where we long to be?

I've been a walking, crawling wounded one for many years now and some days I just want to curl into a corner, squeeze myself as small as I feel on the inside and hide away.

I love to encourage others, yet sometimes find it hard to encourage myself. Maybe you too?

When that happens, I aim to be David-like in strengthening and encouraging myself in the Lord during adverse circumstances. There is more going on than eyes can see or heart and mind realise. 

Worldly lenses need to be removed and spiritual ones applied in order to see and sense the miraculous in the mundane, extraordinary in the ordinary, sacred in the secular.

And we need intercession and compassion for others to overrule dwelling on our own limited perspective of things.

Because aren't we all hurting people in some shape or form, and doesn't it take more than a measure of faith and grace to get through to a place of deliverance and praise?

I've been reading 'Finding Spiritual Whitespace:Awakening Your Soul to Rest' by Bonnie Gray rather sporadically over the last few weeks because I have needed long pauses to pray and work through the suggested activities in my own time.

In chapter 5 Bonnie asks us to:

'Write a letter from Jesus to the little girl in you. What does He want to say to her? What does He see that she needs? Give yourself permission to write this letter. Allow God to love her through you.'

Here's the result of my prayerful cry and God's reply. As my inner child cried out to be heard, Jesus breathed these words into my mind and heart so they could find their way on to the page.

If you can relate to feeling rejected, neglected, weary and wounded, abused or refused in a deeply personal way, then this love letter from God may be helpful to you too.

I have removed a few lines destined for my heart alone, but enough remains to be shared. May it speak to the child in you, the one who remains lost and lonely, with low self-esteem, craving approval and acceptance.

May you see and believe that you already are accepted, loved, pre-approved and precious to God.

'Letter from Jesus'

"I want you to know there is nothing to be scared of when I walk with you; nothing shall in any way harm you. You have the Light of the world living on the inside of you and the One who exchanges beauty for ashes and joy for despair.

I give you a robe of righteousness to wear and a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. The troubles and cares of life have sucked joy out of you, leaving an empty, hollow shell. I have come to refill you with a holy joy that no-one can take away. 

This oil of joy pours from being in My Presence, seeps into the fabric of your whole being and lubricates an attitude of gratitude.

As you linger with Me, take time to rest, relax and let go your burden of care. I will refill and refuel you to shine for Me.

Those broken places and ancient ruins long devastated will be restored, rebuilt into a habitation fit for the King of kings to dwell in. 

I have never left your side for a second. I have bottled all your tears, lovingly collecting them drop by drop. I have witnessed the pain of rejection and abuse you have suffered and I wept with you.

Come, My child, come close. Lay your weary, anxious head on My shoulders and let Me soothe and comfort you. You feel old beyond your years yet full of child-like yearning and longing that no-one and nothing else can satisfy.

I see the ache in your heart and I long to fill it for you. But first the ache and pain must be accepted and acknowledged, the emptiness, joylessness, guilt, shame and despair seen and confessed so I can address them.

You hold back from fully loving those closest to you because you feel afraid that deep down you are unlovable and they'll reject you if you open yourself fully to them. This fear is unfounded. They see the 'real' you and, just as I do, they love you for who you are, as a person of worth and value in her own right ~ yes, even as a flawed and fallible 'work in progress.'

Do not be so hard on yourself or critical of who you are. I made you, created you to fill a role and live a life tailor-made that only you can fill and live out to fulfil My plans and purposes. See yourself through My eyes, believe you are beautiful in My sight and precious to Me just as you are. 

Take My hand and walk with Me. I will lead you to safe pasture. I will give you rest and ease, bring a lasting peace no matter what circumstances you go through. Trust Me to take very good care of you all the days of your life and beyond into eternity.

One day you will laugh and dance with Me. One day you will be free from wounds and pain, and your tears will only be those of joy and delight in My constant Presence.

You will know and be fully known, love and be completely loved for ever. I promise.
Love always, Jesus."

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Linking here with encouraging friends, Holley and Jennifer as we seek to share coffee for your heart and tell His story in the process. You are very welcome and warmly invited to join in. 

Tasting normality

Today, I pick and eat fresh home-grown strawberries, collect a few dwarf green beans, dig nails into soil, bend knees, stoop low to ground to tug dead leaves off living green.

And despite the debilitating stiffness and pain pervading my body as it resists these exertions, it feels right and good to be alive, sitting close to earth with its juice running down my chin. 

Lounging in the garden, book propped open, birds chirruping and insects buzzing. Senses alert to loveliness surrounding me, scents assailing with their sweet freshness.

I breathe deep and easy, relaxed in sun's inviting warmth, a soft breeze playing with my hair, no worries, no cares.

Noises sound from afar as children raise voices and adults admonish and comfort in turn.

Resting, yet strangely more alive and alert inside than I've felt for a long while, it seems like holy ground as I touch base, touch reality, touch the healing hem of His garment spread to ground, and revel in sights and sounds to soothe the soul. 

Lift my eyes, tilt face and enjoy a gift of grace.

Here is normality I crave with all the yearning of an addict desperate for their next fix. An afternoon where I am well enough to spend a few minutes outside and pretend that this is what I usually do, when the reality is very different.

Much of my life is lived behind closed doors, housebound, confined and constrained, circumscribed with pain.

In listening to my life there is a continual background refrain, a hissed whisper of pressure to perform, to be as 'busy' as continual low energy and profound fatigue will allow, to be 'out there', to be seen and heard.

People approval issues still haunt my days with all their persuasive ways, but I am resisting it all....for now.

I'm just too exhausted to expend precious energy in that direction. Too weary to worry and so much in need of a rest that I can resist the call to action.

My mind is on a break from listening to those messages and it's taking a vacation to soak in grace, become revived and restored by God's peace, listen more deeply to His voice.

There is an increased desire in hot, sultry weather to seek leisure and a change from the norm. Our bodies and souls crave it and we desperately need a slowing down of pace.

Normality is subjective and will vary greatly for each one of us, depending on age, occupation, situation, health and routine.

Now, as I come to the end of my break I am seeing a shift change.

My new normality is starting to shape itself like this:

• Making a gradual return to social media/blogging and resisting the lure of joining in everything all at once.
• Viewing daytime rest/naps/sleep as sacrosanct, a vital and healing necessity rather than a waste of precious time.
• Pacing, pacing and more pacing, because boring as it is it's preferable to the 'rush/crash/burn/collapse' cycle I was in before.
• Saving valuable energy and 'spoons' to spend on engaging with family, friends and the outside world.
• Seeking more sacred pauses and spiritual whitespace in the everyday.
• Having a weekly social media sabbatical/fast in order to unplug from the virtual and touch base more with the actual.
• Praying continually so that conversation with God becomes as natural as breathing.
• Listening more attentively to my body, my life, Holy Spirit's voice.
• Delving deeper into God's word, good books and uplifting music to soothe my soul.

I hope some of this has struck a chord with you too.

Maybe God is calling you to press pause on the busyness that swamps you?

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate how your precious time is spent?

Maybe our heavenly Father simply yearns for you to lavish attention on Him or to be more available for Him to pour out His Presence on you?

Maybe this is an opportunity to celebrate how God pre-approves of you just as you are, with no worries over performance or people-pleasing? 

This summer may be just the right time to rest, reach out, touch His greater reality and taste how sweet it is. 

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I would love to hear from you, so feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. 

And I could really do with an 'accountability partner' or two to keep me on the new straight and narrow. Any offers? All gratefully accepted!

**Note** ~ It's great to be back to blogging, but I apologise for the rather bitty nature of this post. It was written in snippets as energy and inspiration allowed.Thank you for your grace.. :)

Lifting the lid on sex and sickness

Ever since I've been blogging I've tried to stay faithful to the message I believe God has given me to share.

Sometimes that can make me uncomfortable.

 My natural desire, yearning really, is to be bright, chatty, light and encouraging.

But, more often than not, I've been asked to go deep, intense even.

To write about things that are not usually discussed in polite conversation.

Now I am lifting the lid on sex and sickness issues.

Did that 3 letter word grab your attention?

It has a way of doing that. 

Our world celebrates, deifies and worships at the altar of sex as if it's going out of fashion...as if...and advertising glorifies it in all its air-brushed, honed and toned, artificial perfection.

We can be left feeling deflated, discouraged and defeated before we ever get round to performance.

So what is a mature (in years anyway) Christian woman like me doing by opening up this proverbial can of worms?

It's precisely because God invented it in the first place and ordained it as an act of consummation, union and communion of marriage that it is open to discussion for Christian believers.

And in Scripture, the Song of Songs/Solomon stands alone as a celebration of sexual love as well as being perceived as an allegory for Christ and the church.

I'm not coming at this from the stance of moral, theological debate or opinion (though I have a strong personal persuasion there), nor from a medical, ethical viewpoint ~ though I used to be a nurse and worked in gynaecology for a few years.

Rather, my part is to share some thoughts from experience as a woman in her 50s with chronic health problems who wants to raise awareness.

Contrary to popular opinion, one doesn't necessarily lose interest in sexual intimacy in mid-life, age 50, 60 or beyond, even if ability and agility may be less reliable than before.

Neither does interest necessarily wane when chronic illness/disability affects and afflicts us and make functioning complicated.

Couples in this scenario who love one another, and desire to be physically intimate, may have to be more sensitive, understanding, patient (and inventive) but not necessarily desist altogether.

An inability (enforced by physical illness) to make love fully and freely is an additional burden, strain and frustration in a limited and constrained life.

When chronic illness affects either partner, it can leave a legacy of great fatigue, pain and weakness that make any kind of sexual contact (never mind gymnastics) very hard to achieve.

Yes, I am fully aware that there is so much more to a marriage relationship than sex, and those other factors enhance the love and friendship that already exists between a couple.

Though nothing beats the deep bonding effect of sexual intimacy; it's an act where mind, body and spirit engage together and can provide a brief touch of 'heaven on earth' at its most sublime.

But, for those who are forced to prematurely alter or relinquish what they had previously enjoyed it is a bitter pill to swallow, requiring further adjustments to a changed lifestyle.

I've outlined these potential problems in long-term relationships. Just think about how great the problems are for those who are younger and/or single, with every expectation of a healthy sex life to come.

To find those normal and natural expectations thwarted or unmet due to chronic sickness is a huge disappointment, source of frustration, sadness and discouragement.

Loving and being loved are among the greatest human needs we have and they encompass multiple expressions of being close and special to one another in various ways.

Adjustments are often necessary as we reach senior years, and also as we adapt to having long-term health problems at any age.

Despite media hype, very few of us will have a so-called 'perfect' sex life. The best we can hope for is that our sex lives will be mutually satisfying and fulfilling.

I haven't included mental health issues, problems or illness here. But they (and the side effects of medication) all play a highly significant role in potentially causing alteration in both sexual function and self-esteem, requiring further adaptation and adjustment.

So why am I speaking out about these issues?

Surely they are private things?

Well, yes, and no. So many issues get side-lined, ignored or neglected simply due to fear or embarrassment about "What might people think?"

Because I am seeking to press past people-approval issues in my life in general, it seems timely to write about it now in a 'feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway' kind of way. Also:

• It affects me a great deal personally ~ due to my chronic illness, disability, history of childhood sexual and emotional abuse leading to mental health breakdown and sexual dysfunction, I cannot easily be the sexy wife my husband deserves and needs ~ as I have shared in this open post about my marriage.
• Many suffer silently and need to know they are not isolated or alone.
• Sweeping these problems under the carpet only leads to them creeping out again, ready to trip us up when we least expect it.
• Providing an open forum aids greater understanding and respect for sufferers.
• Life is enhanced by mutual support and hope of seeing change.
• Finally, I'm at that stage when I'm growing older and bolder in my life and writing!

And, though we may try hard to conceal it, all of us are broken, wounded people to some extent or other.

Though Jesus defeated sin, sickness and death on the cross, we do not witness the full physical reality of that in this lifetime, but will only do so in His kingdom to come. For not everyone gets healed or delivered this side of heaven. 

We live with contradiction and mystery. We also live with great hope for the future. Here now, with God, we are on a journey toward greater healing and wholeness.

One day, these perishable, earthly bodies will be fully redeemed and become imperishable, eternal, resurrection bodies. And I, for one, can't wait!

What do you think?

How have these issues impacted your life or the life of your loved ones?

Please feel free to join the discussion in the comments below.

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**Note** This post was partly written in draft form several months ago, awaiting such a time as this when I felt brave enough to share. My hope and prayer is that it will help others who are struggling in this area too.

Thank you to all those who took part in the 'Love Idol' draw in my last post. A winner has been selected at random from all who left a comment. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to complete the draw, but my health has been particularly challenging over the last month.

However, I'm delighted to announce that Ceil's name was drawn (by my OH) as the winner. Congratulations, Ceil! Please send me your snail mail address and a copy of 'Love Idol' will be winging it's way to you asap. 

Listening to your life

Imagination can take us places that bear no relation to reality.

I began this year with a conviction and desire to listen better to all God wants to speak into my life. It follows on naturally from my #oneword365 being 'listen'.

My mind envisaged restful moments spent relaxing in His presence while He poured out words of wisdom and peace.

It would be wonderful. I would hear messages of encouragement to share with others. I would drift through my days with an increasing awareness of Holy Spirit's whispers on the wind.

Only..it hasn't quite panned out that way. Who knew listening could be so painful, challenging, personally humiliating and hard?

Instead of a lovely lightness and liveliness of heart, I feel drained, weary, worn out, with worms eating at my soul.

Exhaustion makes me cranky. Impatience reigns. Sin crouches at the door waiting to ensnare me. It's my own overly hasty 'wish-I-could-swallow-them-back' words I'm hearing, and the sad resigned response from my husband. 

All God seems to be saying is, "Look out. You've made another blunder". My heart is heavy with sorrow over faults and failings. Peace has flown out the window and listening has become an act of obedience rather than joy.

Yesterday, following a run of wakeful, pain-filled nights, I unleashed another impatient tirade on my beloved. In full flow until an insistent ring stopped me in my tracks.

It was enough to bring me to my senses. And as I paused to listen to a stranger's voice oozing warmth and understanding, I lost it all over again with a healing unravelling cascade of tears.

For here was someone from a ministry we support giving us a courtesy call to say thanks and ask if we needed prayer. Ready to reach out a hand, to stand in the gap and intercede.

Life interrupted as God saw a need and stepped in. A holy moment in the midst of mayhem. Reminder of His goodness and grace seeping into the cracks and crevices of our days.

Knowing we're all in the process of becoming what He wants us to be ~ beautiful and strong in Him. 

Reassurance to restore faith and confidence that His promises stand firm, unshakable as Rock and ready to be fulfilled. A life can be changed in an instant. Calm can replace chaos.

Living as we do with continual physical and mental health challenges, we cling to His word in desperation. How long, O Lord? When, God when? This the silent mantra we move to.

Nothing external has changed. But we are altered by a few moments of intent listening to another speaking as if from the Lord. 

 I still bear burdens Jesus aches to carry for me. I still mess up and have unwise words escape my mouth. But God is reminding me of His nearness and drawing me to His side in increasing dependence and trust.

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And God has blessed me further with a 'Prayer Whisper' from His heart to mine this morning:

"I will speak to you this year in small ways because I am training you to trace My hand at work in the minutiae of daily life. As you see and hear Me speaking in the little things, so you will develop a sensitive ear that is more attuned to My presence.

Sometimes there will be a flood of words. At others you will have to strain senses and flex faith muscles to be aware of what I'm saying.

It is vital for you to listen to your life, your body, emotions, actions and reactions as well as heeding My voice. My desire is for you to live mindfully; be aware of your need of grace, the space you create for misery or joy, the weariness signalling time to withdraw, be silent and rest in My loving embrace.

Walk through your days with an attitude of praise before you see any change for the good happening. Praise paves the way for My presence to operate in all its fullness and opens the door to thankfulness within you ~ regardless of circumstances. 

Your inheritance as My child is to experience beauty for ashes and joy in the midst of adversity."

*******

Looking for the sound of laughter in my #1000gifts count yesterday seemed impossible.  So many days feel circumscribed by weakness, weariness and pain, bereft of joy in any measure. Yet it was there.

Here was a gift from God ~ a call to bring me back to awareness and a trickle of smiles to treasure as we watched a mini video of our grandson's alert opening up to life around him.

This precious young life, a bare two months old, already operating as God intends us to ~ embracing life in all its fullness with an open, receptive mind and heart.

Babies and children have much to teach us about relishing the moment. In the deliberate seeking out joy can be found. In surrender to seconds, seasons and seeing anew we can listen to our lives and see that they are a holy offering to the Author of life itself. 

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Joining here with Nacole for #concretewords and #listentoyourlife

And with Ruth for #Letterto This week's prompt is 'Letter to the tired'

**NOTE** ~ As you can see, I'm just a beginner in the art of listening but I hope to grow and improve as the year goes on. To help me to do just that I am joining Nacole's community of women who want to listen hard to God, to their lives and to one another. You're very welcome and warmly invited to join us as we live and learn together. 

Surrendering

She slid softly into an empty seat, barely raising her head or risking a glance around her.

Trying to look invisible while wanting to be noticed.

Eyes gradually roamed surroundings clinical yet suggestive of homely warmth. 

Here a comfortable chair, there a magazine, walls decorated with gentle art work to please the senses, floor carpeted.

Yet the scurrying, uniformed figures, cold steel trolleys, slabs of notes, trays holding equipment for testing ~ all betrayed the fact that this was actually a hospital waiting area.

We were captive to clock and schedules, time and tide of their convenience, malleable only to moulds of their design, clients of their care, patients feeling anything but patient.

Brief nods and smiles were exchanged before confession followed. First time? Me too. Waited how long? Oh dear!

What to do. Would there be time to drink a sip or two of water, open the Kindle and lose oneself in a book, check our phones (ignoring the 'switch off please' signs), rummage in bags, sigh, dream, chat, or....simply yield to the moment.

So we sat as statues. Brief shuffling, turning of heads to scan notices, gaze at our feet, read notices for the umpteenth time, whispered conversation, eyes glued to every individual who might be here to summon us into the depths.

How does one yield gracefully when senses are heightened to alert and alarm? How do we savour the moment when anxiety is high, pain presses in hard and minds are switched to numbness? 

I found myself focusing on a painting. Golden yellow rays spilling as fountain reminding me of the sunshine of God's love and how His grace spills and fills every corner of our lives.

My desire is to bask in its warmth. Seek energy and strength for what might lay ahead.

As I visualised those rays washing over me, peace came. I could hold conversation. Act normal. And maybe that's all God asks of us. To let Him in to everything and realise He's already there.

Abiding. Clinging to The Vine. Accepting where we are on the way to where we're going. 

Release and find rest. Sink trustful. Know we are safe. Kept. Held. Anchored.

I wondered how pliable I was. This woman who wakes stiff, limbs resistant to movement.

Would my soul yield soft as clay to The Master Potter's touch on my life ~ be it unpalatable or not? 

How willing am I to receive, accept and surrender to the thought that all things are allowed by Him ~ even This?

In the bowing down we look up to God's higher authority, His all knowing, all seeing, all encompassing ways. 

And it is a willing, meaningful yielding. Acknowledgement of His sovereignty.

My eyes shift again to view images of coffee cups and beach huts. Here too we see goodness and grace. Lift our cup of sorrow and joy and swallow down. Know it is as endless as the sea. This balance of beauty in ashes. Shelter from storms.

Voices sounding nearby call me out of my reverie. My name. My turn. My assessment and tests begin. 

Groping for my stuff, struggling to prepare and follow, I smile and wish my fellow newbie well. 

Here I surrender dignity and privacy. Ready myself to be investigated and questioned.

A faint shadow of the Son of Man before the cross stirs in my mind. I see Jesus stripped of all dignity. Giving out. A handing over. Great surrender. Yielding to the Father's will.

Such love. Such grace. Such mercy.

His pain had a glorious purpose. Maybe yours and mine has too, though we can fail to see it. 

A life given up so freely by the Lord of Life, yet I so often cling to my life, time, needs, plans, schedules ~ wary of change and interruption. 

Boxed in by my boundaries when a life of freedom beckons if...I hang loose to the things of this world, this life, and hold fast to the eternal and unchanging promises of God.

A chair wheels me onwards down long corridors. Weary beyond words, I have X-rays, blood tests and help to dress. Yield to those stronger than I. Muse at how I was once the one offering assistance. A nurse clocking up miles a day as I strode purposefully down corridors, tending, supporting, lifting body and spirit by my ministrations.

Now, I sit passive as my husband and others join forces to prepare me for what needs doing. Made to lie low. With hope of being renewed, restored, reshaped as clay into a vessel fit for purpose again, even as God uses me for different things now...praying, writing, listening, being there. 

We make it home and I need sustenance. Bacon sandwich and a cup of tea feel like a taste of heaven. And I rest. Allow peace and grace to fill me anew. Sit quiet for a while away from bright lights and activity. 

Maybe the pain will never end in this lifetime. Maybe incapacity will increase. I don't know. The One who gives grace upon grace to cope knows that.

What I do know is His great capacity in all my incapacities.

How I wish I had another tale to tell and story to share sometimes than the one I am living.

Yet through it all I can bear witness to the tremendous sustaining power of God. Whatever I have given over to Him has been more then repaid, multiplied grace on grace at His hands.

And as I try to follow this path of daily (if not hourly) surrender, my hope is for His Story to be revealed through my own.

I want to yield to Holy Spirit's work in me. I want to see purpose in pain, liberty in a limited life. Being hard, brittle, bitter and resentful is a path I refuse to take.

It all comes down to whom or what we yield to, issues of acceptance, dependence, love and trust.

I want to be able to let go (if need be) of those things I value higher than I should ~ my will, my ways, reputation, comfort, capacity and dreams.

Because in the releasing of all I have considered better, I know my cup will be filled to overflowing with God's best as my will becomes conformed more closely with His.

Let me be soft, workable clay to be fashioned as He chooses. Let me be pliable and flexible. Let me be willing to yield ~ always. Amen. 

Linking here with the lovely Nacole for #concretewords where we write out spirit with a concrete word prompt. This week's prompt is:'Yield'

And with Jennifer at #TellHisStory where we encourage one another by sharing the story God is writing through our lives.

Also linking to Word Filled Wednesday  where women connect to support and build one another up in Christ.

You are very welcome and warmly invited to join in.

When a cup feels too heavy to bear

Life has a deep well for us to drink from. We have cups of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, hope and despair, health and sickness.

For more years than I care to remember (around 25 supplies my ever-helpful brain), I have drunk from the cup of sickness and found it a bitter one to swallow at times, especially as pain and infirmity are increasing.

Harder than the one of sorrow and shame? Maybe not, just different in its unrelenting nature. And human sorrows can be eclipsed by moments of joy and gladness. 

Shame often seeks to shroud and cloak me again, but I can shrug it off with greater success than before. I have a mantle of grace over me that is large enough to cover all. 

Jesus laid aside His divinity to take on the fullness of humanity in a body just like ours. He felt pain, weakness and fatigue. He thirsted, grew hungry, knew what it was to drink a cup of betrayal, rejection, pain and shame as He hung on the cross.

In the garden of Gethsemane He sought to have this cup pass by Him, aware of all it would cost to become the embodiment of sin for us.

He took the cup. He held it close and willingly drank every last drop. For you and for me. Jesus surrendered self in order to release us all from self-driven living.

I have not held a Communion cup for months. Nor drunk its contents. Nor fellowshipped with head bowed, bread crumbled, chewed and eaten, sharing life, sharing grace, sharing hope.

Being housebound has meant church is everywhere, and nowhere specific.

I fellowship by TV, by the Internet, by having only the companionship of my beloved beside me.

Joining in with TV church and missing being community with my home church.

And I feel I am needing to be reminded of that cup once more. Like one parched dry, I seek to gulp down every drop of Christian teaching I can get my hands on.

Soak in all the friendship and fellowship I crave.

But I need more. 

I need the life-blood. I need Christ poured out as drink offering brought to my conscious mind. I need to grasp with hand and heart the sweet communion of saints and all we share as His redeemed.

For Christ gave his life for me. He overcame the darkness so that I don't have to live swallowed up by it any more. I can embrace a life free from shame. Sickness and pain don't fit who I am either, but they will only be finally defeated as the kingdom comes in all its fullness when Christ returns.

We live with confusion. With mystery. With unanswered questions. 

With hope in the midst of helplessness. With light and grace to steer us through shadowlands.

For now, the cup of sorrow, shame and pain willingly swallowed by my Lord is one I want to recognise, hold to me, lift with others in unity, drink gratefully.

In the sharing of our stories, our sorrows and shame, in the voicing of our weaknesses, our frailty, our woundedness, there is a lifting up, carrying of weight, bearing of loads that lighten with many hands to hold and support. A body made stronger by each part being grace for the other for those times when a cup feels too heavy to bear.

There is joy in knowing we are not alone; we have help, we share life, we share pain.

"When you dig another out of their troubles, you will find a place to bury your own" ~ Anon

in time to come we will share the joy of all needs met in Christ.

This may have been a particularly trying phase with the M.E and allied chronic sickness that is my lot, the cup I have to endure, swallow down - yet, I would gladly go through it all again if it brings me a deeper heart awareness of my Saviour's sacrifice.

Our greatest trials have a surprising thread of joy running through them. Our needs drive us to greater dependence on God, and there is fullness of joy to be found in His presence as we rest and become refreshed once more.

I will have better days. I will write more fluently and eloquently. I will think more clearly.

"I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up" ~ Robert Moorehead

I already have the best Companion of all to bring life to my hopes and dreams, endurance and perseverance through aches and pains, sweet communion of friendship beyond measure. For Jesus drank deep of sorrow, sin and shame so that the cup emptied became a cup of salvation, life eternal and resurrection joy for us all.

We come empty to Him for re-fuelling, dry for refreshing, hungry for the manna that feeds and satisfies, drained and weary for His life-giving energy and grace enabling us to go on for one more day.

So, battle-scarred and oh so weary as I am, I choose to hold my cup, lift it to my lips, breathe deep of His Spirit, imbibe great draughts of grace, and drink...willingly... at least for today.

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars" ~ Anon

********

Have you had circumstances in your life that have been hard to swallow?

What enabled you to endure them?

Please feel free to share in the comments below. I love to read and reply to them.

Linking here with Joan for 'Sharing His Beauty' 

and with Jennifer for #TellHisStory

**NOTE** - I am delighted to announce that the winner of a free copy of 'The Wall Around Your Heart' by Mary de Muth is - Anne Peterson. A copy will be on its way to her as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who took part.

Shades of purple

Life is rarely all (or even 50)shades of grey. We have a rich palette of experiences that colour our world with light, delicate hues or vivid shades that stain deep.

Purple is one of my favourite colours and it happens to be the one used to symbolise Fibromyalgia too.

For those with Fibromyalgia their world is pierced dark with unrelenting pain.

As an M.E/CFS sufferer I also have accompanying Fibromyalgia, (you can click here to find out what it is) which is sadly an all too common addition to our already depleting and debilitating symptoms.

It is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day in the UK on May 12th and this poem is written to honour the occasion.

Shades of Purple

Ringed black and blue

visible wounding

heavy bruised stain

seeping into skin

with tender throb of pain.

But you wound internal

pulsating deep

Fibro' fingers

prodding, poking, pain

that always lingers.

Morning stiff

to greet the dawn

making body stumble

movement slow

with risk of tumble.

Purple prose

swallowed down

as limbs grind painful

muscles sore, gait unsteady,

awkward, shameful.

Echoes of dark

bleeding out of day

escorting in the night

with sleep-elusive sigh

as body seizes tight.

Purple-coloured robes

draping royal and holy
  mantle of love

covering aches and pains

with grace from above.

Shades of purple

tinged with layers of faith,

bringing strength and healing

as God's heavenly light

shines with Hope revealing.
©JoyLenton2013

No matter how sick we may be there is always hope for improvement and healing.

Until that happens, we support and encourage one another as best we can.

A Prayer

Father, we struggle at times to endure
 hardship and pain that has no cure.

We long so much for it all to end,
  for relief to come, as we stoop and bend.

Grant us grace and strength to persevere,
continuing to know that You are so near
a simple heart's cry is already heard
even if we do not utter a word.
In the darkest nights we fail to rest
and have many days when we're far from our best.
Weakness and weariness play their part 
in bringing discouragement to make us lose heart.
Lift and encourage us when we feel sad 
during those moments when pain's really bad.
For you are the One who we turn to in need
and You help to heal and make all pain recede.
Thank you.
Amen.

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May God bless and give you His peace until we meet again.