Plumbing the depths

Just a few simple words. Nothing more, nothing less.

Sometimes, that's all it takes to make or mar a day. A drop here and there.

When words rise to our pool of consciousness and hover a while close to the surface, it is well worth asking God if these are ones He wants us to pay particular attention to.

Although God mainly speaks through Scripture, He also invites us gently to notice our lives, heed the world's sounds, and hear Him in the everyday, e.g via books, blogs, poetry, music, films and the spoken word.

These had a life of their own, shimmering with vibrancy like ripples in a pond spreading wide to touch others.

My breath caught as they reached to my core. Here were words to confirm the 'word' I'd received for 2015 and set me thinking soul-deep.

They came from a new book, 'Centering Prayers:A One Year Daily Companion for Going Deeper into the Love of God' by Peter Traben Haas.

These words (underlined) were part of a contemplation:"I begin the year with the simplicity of silence. Resting in you, I become myself again" which were simple but profound, with echoes of eternity in them.

As I pondered their significance, I reflected how my early life experience had already revealed the world to be a place where I invariably felt lost, drowning under the weight of expectations and pressures, splintered and fractured, fragile and out of sync.

To have a chance of becoming and feeling whole (and safe) again, I needed to connect to God. And I feel so blessed He called me to faith as a late teenager so I could spend all my adult life getting to know Him. 

Because, not only do we find God the Father in relationship with Jesus, we also find our true selves.

Become more fully human and fully alive than ever before.

Become more truly who God created us to be, beautiful in Him.

Function more freely with the flexibility of grace.

Fulfil God's greater plans and purposes for our lives as we co-labour with Him.

Discover our full potential.

Embrace our new identity In Christ.

Waken to our worth as God's beloved child.

See ourselves, via eyes of faith, as already healed, restored, beloved and forgiven.

Rest in the knowledge of being united with The One who knows us inside out and loves us just the same ~ even as He's transforming us from the inside out.

In some inexplicable way we grow to become more like Jesus as we learn to live and abide in Him on a daily basis.

Yet, amazingly, we also become more of ourselves, more true to the essence of God's intended blueprint for us.

All this from one line or two, just a few words? Yes, indeed. Words have power to change a life.

And I wouldn't mind guessing that I have only touched on a small fraction of what it means to "become myself again" as I rest in Him. 

Many words have been inspiring my soul lately as God has been speaking to me, and I'm sitting with them for a while before sharing, letting them rest in me and do their work.

Because I have all year (a lifetime?) to plumb the depths, to mine for treasure and discover the riches of resting in God.

And you, dear reader, can learn along with me as we share the journey of faith together.

Linking here with Bonnie, Jennifer and friends

Over to you:

What words have greatly impacted your life recently?
How hard do you find it to see yourself as God sees you?

Please feel free to join in with the comments below. I really appreciate your input. Your words matter. Thank you.

Dying to live

Sap remains in the vine. Life signs are present. Colour and vitality depleted but not gone for good.

As I muse on the waning of plants and summer flowers, the colours of russet and gold midst green-leaved trees, I see myself mirrored in them.

I'm in an autumnal season. Time to let loose, let fall all that is withered and dead within me. 

Prepare for the loosing, shedding, pruning, the dying-back of Winter and its attendant frosts and chills before Spring comes again.

Time to embrace grace, make space for new life to spring up in the place of signs of death.

I'm a walking-wounded one, with a desire to die to those things that are no longer fruitful. And to take hold of all that nurtures, enlivens, and breathes fresh hope into my soul.

So what does it look like? Something like this..

Writing brave, bold and free, but only as God suggests and directs.

Listening with greater intent to His voice, His word, His plans and purposes, my life and body ~ and heed what they're all saying to me.

Dying to selfish ambition.  

Dying to people-approval.

Dying to perfectionism.

(Yes, I know, they will take some time to fade away, never mind die! )

Living to please God first and foremost.

Living in a way that reveals Jesus in me.

Living the best I can with all my flaws, human limitations and imperfections, while God is slowly transforming me from the inside out from one degree of glory to another.

Staying connected to The Vine.

Staying receptive to God's voice.

Staying open to the possibility of change beyond anything I dare to ask, think or imagine.

Trusting that I am enough because Jesus is enough and He lives in and through me.

Trusting that words will flow as they need to from a surrendered mind and heart.

Trusting God to work in and through the works of my hands and bless others in the process.

Letting go of yesterday so that I am ready for the Now and the Still to Come.

Letting these words speak for themselves, just as they are, no overly zealous editing.

Welcoming in a new season of the soul, warming myself in His gaze, being refreshed in His Presence.

And why do all this?

To quote contemplative monk, Bob Holmes in his insightful post, 'Putting the Spirit back into Spiritual Practice':

"We die to ourselves to make it possible to put our spirit first."

For, unless this frail flesh falls to the ground and dies to itself (its own selfish ambition, ways of understanding and living), we will have no seed to sow or harvest to come. It is only as we look to the Lord to give us light, sustenance and daily watering with His word that we begin to come alive on the inside.

Then, as new plants, we can grow tall and strong by His grace. Our leaning on and learning from Him are the means to a changed soul from the inside out.

Will you join me? I hope so. Companions are essential on this journey. Together we are stronger.

Let's keep offering up our lives as a sacrifice of praise to the One who gives us daily breath and grace Here, Now, Today, Always.

Instead of living to die, we could try dying to live ~ more fully and freely than we ever imagined in this life and beyond.

Linking here with Beth and other lovely writer friends for #threewordwednesday  as we seek to encourage you in your journey of life and faith.

You are very welcome and warmly invited to join in.

Grit and grace

Ageing well requires grit and grace.

Plenty of perseverance and endurance. 

It is definitely not for the faint-hearted.

A significant birthday looms large on the horizon. 

Yes, this blog is nearly two years old and its sister blog (Poetry Joy) is almost one, which is good reason to celebrate!

But it's their writer who is approaching a more important landmark.

A stop-gap pause in life's breezy proceedings.

Will I embrace or hold back? Accept the (mostly unwelcome) change that growing older brings?

Will this silver-surfer slide inexorably into senility or will I grow more in insight, wisdom and creativity?

Only time will tell. I hope the years will be kind. 

And I hope to embrace the hard parts as they help shape and make me.

Here's the thing, not all change is welcome, invited or appreciated.

Though I will still aim to:

• Pour out my heart in poetry and prose and share His story in the process. 
• Lean hard into grace every day.
• Walk the painful path of dying to self and living for Christ.
• Crave God's Presence.
• Listen for His voice.
• Dive deeper into healing as I dip back into my painful past.
• Encourage others on the journey.

So I may alter a little on the surface, but deep inside ~ at the heart of the matter ~  I will grow into joy and become more fully myself as I allow God to make me more like Christ.

Change lies on the doorstep of each day. It hangs heavy for some and signals freedom for others.

Are you ready for all it may bring? 

Much depends on what or who is changing you, where you are heading to, and who walks with you.

"..you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried you since your birth. Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" ~ Isaiah 46:3-4

Just for a change, I am joining in here instead of on poetryjoy.com  (because the usual poetic offering gave way to prose) with  Kate Motaung and other brave writer friends for five minutes of free writing on the topic of 'Change'. 

*And if you like my poetry you can read one about change here.*

Friend, may you see each new day as opportunity to grow and to live, learn and listen in your walk with God. And may He bless you with peace as you leap by faith into the unknown territory of the now and the yet-to-come. For we travel with Him into a future rich with promise and blessings as yet unseen but full of grace and glory.

Tasting normality

Today, I pick and eat fresh home-grown strawberries, collect a few dwarf green beans, dig nails into soil, bend knees, stoop low to ground to tug dead leaves off living green.

And despite the debilitating stiffness and pain pervading my body as it resists these exertions, it feels right and good to be alive, sitting close to earth with its juice running down my chin. 

Lounging in the garden, book propped open, birds chirruping and insects buzzing. Senses alert to loveliness surrounding me, scents assailing with their sweet freshness.

I breathe deep and easy, relaxed in sun's inviting warmth, a soft breeze playing with my hair, no worries, no cares.

Noises sound from afar as children raise voices and adults admonish and comfort in turn.

Resting, yet strangely more alive and alert inside than I've felt for a long while, it seems like holy ground as I touch base, touch reality, touch the healing hem of His garment spread to ground, and revel in sights and sounds to soothe the soul. 

Lift my eyes, tilt face and enjoy a gift of grace.

Here is normality I crave with all the yearning of an addict desperate for their next fix. An afternoon where I am well enough to spend a few minutes outside and pretend that this is what I usually do, when the reality is very different.

Much of my life is lived behind closed doors, housebound, confined and constrained, circumscribed with pain.

In listening to my life there is a continual background refrain, a hissed whisper of pressure to perform, to be as 'busy' as continual low energy and profound fatigue will allow, to be 'out there', to be seen and heard.

People approval issues still haunt my days with all their persuasive ways, but I am resisting it all....for now.

I'm just too exhausted to expend precious energy in that direction. Too weary to worry and so much in need of a rest that I can resist the call to action.

My mind is on a break from listening to those messages and it's taking a vacation to soak in grace, become revived and restored by God's peace, listen more deeply to His voice.

There is an increased desire in hot, sultry weather to seek leisure and a change from the norm. Our bodies and souls crave it and we desperately need a slowing down of pace.

Normality is subjective and will vary greatly for each one of us, depending on age, occupation, situation, health and routine.

Now, as I come to the end of my break I am seeing a shift change.

My new normality is starting to shape itself like this:

• Making a gradual return to social media/blogging and resisting the lure of joining in everything all at once.
• Viewing daytime rest/naps/sleep as sacrosanct, a vital and healing necessity rather than a waste of precious time.
• Pacing, pacing and more pacing, because boring as it is it's preferable to the 'rush/crash/burn/collapse' cycle I was in before.
• Saving valuable energy and 'spoons' to spend on engaging with family, friends and the outside world.
• Seeking more sacred pauses and spiritual whitespace in the everyday.
• Having a weekly social media sabbatical/fast in order to unplug from the virtual and touch base more with the actual.
• Praying continually so that conversation with God becomes as natural as breathing.
• Listening more attentively to my body, my life, Holy Spirit's voice.
• Delving deeper into God's word, good books and uplifting music to soothe my soul.

I hope some of this has struck a chord with you too.

Maybe God is calling you to press pause on the busyness that swamps you?

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate how your precious time is spent?

Maybe our heavenly Father simply yearns for you to lavish attention on Him or to be more available for Him to pour out His Presence on you?

Maybe this is an opportunity to celebrate how God pre-approves of you just as you are, with no worries over performance or people-pleasing? 

This summer may be just the right time to rest, reach out, touch His greater reality and taste how sweet it is. 

*******

I would love to hear from you, so feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. 

And I could really do with an 'accountability partner' or two to keep me on the new straight and narrow. Any offers? All gratefully accepted!

**Note** ~ It's great to be back to blogging, but I apologise for the rather bitty nature of this post. It was written in snippets as energy and inspiration allowed.Thank you for your grace.. :)

Diving into the depths

These are days where I no longer want to skim the surface but go deep.

Dive into the depths with God. Dig in and seek treasure.

Give up splashing in shallow waters. Or making waves.

Rather, I aim to sink restful into His presence, float easy in His river of grace.

For too long now I have trod a pathway through thorny bushes, stepped painful on stones.

Kicked dust and sand in the wilderness, wandering aimlessly down weary pathways.

And now? I am dry as dust. Bone-tired. Run ragged.

Now I sense an urge to rise and heed the song of freedom as Holy Spirit's voice whispers on the wind.

Be in a place of rest and refreshment.

Wait a while. Sit by still waters and allow myself to drink deep.

Relax and let go the daily grind.

Life has a way of making us stressed out, depressed and worn out.

It is time to break loose. Ease away from daily cares.

Go where we sense God is leading us. A place of rest, renewal and refreshment for thirsty souls.

In order to remain fruitful we need to abide in The Vine.

I've discovered I am thirstier than I knew. Wearier than I want to be. Hungry for His Presence.

It's time to withdraw for a while in order to be replenished.

Not to packs bags and head off on a journey. That's all too exhausting by far.

This is a rest for the spirit, a recuperation, a period of 'being' more than doing, a leaning into listening to God and listening to my life.

What prompted it?

Well, general health/life challenges and prolonged fatigue have played their part, plus I've been greatly inspired by reading a post by Margaret Feinberg where she shares why she is logging off and shutting down for a week from blogging, Twitter and Facebook.

My heart leaped in recognition as I read it. I Need This! A sacred space to hear sacred echoes. A six month review of how well (or otherwise) my #oneword365 ~'listen'(ing) to God and to my life is going for me.

Would you like to join in? Do head over to Margaret's place to see what's involved. 

Maybe it's just what the Chief Physician of your soul has ordered for you too.

Then we'll meet up again on July 7th (or beyond as I'm joining in a bit late) and discover how God has met with us in the quiet places and spaces of our days.

Maybe the sound of silence will be the sweetest sound we know, where much is heard of lasting eternal value.

I hope so.

Until we meet again:

May you be blessed by a greater awareness of what God is saying to you, a greater desire to follow His still, small voice and an increased ability to know when to switch off and unplug for your sanity's sake.

Blessings and love,
Joy :) xx

Hope springs eternal

It is said that where there is life there is hope. Its rays of light and grace rise through the cracks and crevices of our days.

The resilience of the human spirit is a God-given gift we truly need.

We can endure far more than we think when God gives us hope and strength to do so.

Reason will only get us so far.

Faith and trust will enable us to go way beyond our limitations.

As we continue to place our hope in the God of all hope He will guide our paths, provide a way where there seems to be no way, and reveal His plans to us.

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast; man never is, but always to be blessed:the soul, uneasy and confined from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come" ~ Alexander Pope 'An Essay on Man'

As I dust down an old journal (which I began using in 2008 but ceased writing in after a series of family calamities concluding in the unexpected death of my brother), it is with the hope of reclaiming it anew, writing observations of life and faith and being able to move beyond the reminder of those painful times.

I also do so with the purpose of allowing God to speak to me afresh as I record daily (if possible) thoughts, reflections, snippets of poetry or prayers. 

I'm joining Dawn and other journaling friends in June as we seek spiritual white space and aim to draw near to God as He encourages us to #listentoyourlife more avidly in the month ahead.

You are very welcome and warmly invited to join us. For more info on journaling in June, click here to visit Dawn's site and find out what it's all about. There is space for you and grace to join in as you feel able to.

Let hope inform your days as you surrender them to His ways this week.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without words ~
And never stops at all" ~ Emily Dickinson

Making space for joy

All is quiet on the home front for a little while. Our sweet twelve week old grandson sleeps sound, his exhausted mother rests, father and grandpa are shopping, the washing machine whirrs soft and I am alone.

I sense room to breathe, exhale tension and tiredness and inhale grace. Make space for Holy Spirit utterance. Lean in and listen for His voice. 

See a gap calling me to pause. Be still. Rest easy.

My mind rolls over the last few busy days of meeting, greeting, welcoming, sharing meals, sharing life, being family.

And gratitude seeps into my spirit. Soothes those long parched places. Brings lightness, joy and peace.

At moments like this I am glad to be alive. Feel blessed beyond measure. 

So I sit and savour the moment ~ all the more delightful for its rarity.

Consider the way we all stoop to see to this beautiful little boy who melts hearts with a smile, causes happy creased up faces and laugh-out-loud moments with his gestures and coos. 

Serving his needs is a pleasure. At this early stage, cries only enhance the desire to comfort and console one too young to speak out his needs. 

And I revel in the fact that being a grandma means all of the joy and none of the sleepless nights and heavy responsibility!

We all delight in him and rejoice over him with singing. Just as God does with us.

Jesus bent low to come to Earth as a tiny dependent infant. Yet He willingly chose to share our humanity. Become frail flesh for our sake. 

Our Servant-King. Still serving us from on high. Still bending low to see to our needs, as Mary and Joseph once did for him. The Christ-child become Messiah, Lord and King. 

Leaning close to befriend, coming alongside to comfort and support, offering Himself continually. 

We are God's children. As weak and dependent as babes in arms. Even when adult and supposedly strong, our neediness of Him doesn't change. It just becomes more obvious. Feels more humiliating. Requires more from us. 

Surrender and servanthood remain defining characteristics of Christ ~ and His followers.

As a person needing a lot of support myself due chronic health problems, if I get an opportunity to serve the needs of others in whatever capacity I can then I do it happily and willingly. 

And this little fellow has so captured my heart that I'll go way beyond my normal capacities to offer him love and embrace his life with grace.

I'm discovering holy ground is anywhere heaven touches earth ~ in the banal, beautiful, breathtaking and bizarre.

Moments of magic midst the mundane. Gifts of glory in the commonplace. Joy springing up in dark spaces as bulbs rise eager to greet sunlight.

Finding calm can replace chaos and peace pervade the everyday pain and problems.

We tread mindful of mercy in all our days and ways. Feel nourished by His presence. 

Our lives becoming mirrors to reflect His glory. 

Joy given is joy multiplied. In the service of our Lord and KIng we bring our live's daily offerings and experience them increase beyond measure. 

More given than we ever expect. Making space for God is no hardship when He enlarges our capacity for sensing joy in His presence. 

So I sit a while. Inhale and exhale. Remembering my grandson's sweet baby smell reminds me of the fragrance of grace seeping into everywhere we offer space. Give room for Holy Spirit to move in. 

I listen to the whirring washing machine and I realise I am also listening to my life. Hearing the holy whispers. Pausing to pray grateful for it all. 

Aware that this moment will never come again.

And being surprised by how good it sounds. 

*******

*Note* This was written in snatches of time over a busy few days with our family visiting. I just felt the joy of the occasion was too good not to share. I hope you are blessed in the reading of it and encouraged to make space for God and for joy in your own life.
Joining with friends:Holley, Nacole and Jennifer

When retreating looks like the best way forward

Hope this week finds you well, my friend.

Sadly, I'm feeling dog-tired. Reading feels like too much effort, let alone writing.

Words blur, eyes see double and hands cramp stiff.

The last few days have been a huge effort just to wake up and keep going with a body that only cries out for rest and sleep, yet is refreshed by neither.

As I've struggled, fought and wrought to find words to fix on a page - and come up empty - it has reminded me afresh how much I need Holy Spirit inspiration and enabling to do this at all (Okay, to do Everything). 

Ideas were there. But the execution of them was sticky as treacle, stodgy and heavy with a mind like porridge. 

I've thought, prayed and thought some more. The praying yielded better results as always. I sensed God saying, "Just write about how it is and I'll supply the words". 

At least He didn't say, "Do nothing". Much of life with M.E consists of saying "No" to some good things in order to say "Yes" to the better thing - which is usually more rest.

So here goes...let's start again. Lord, please show me what to say..

********

Six months ago I experienced burn-out and drain-out. I was totally depleted in mind, body and spirit.

Having struggled for a few years to keep going with the Women's Fellowship Group I was leading, it was obvious I was floundering, fatigued, and very near collapse, despite the clear supernatural anointing, enabling and equipping that had made it possible at all.

It was the only church-related act of service I had done in years. Attendance at anything else (including Sunday worship itself) was extremely unreliable at best.

So I took time out. Committed to rest. Committed to finding out what God might be asking me to do in the future.

Only I didn't completely rest. I was already fully engaged with social media and blogging by then. Soon, it became my main outlet, source of friendship, fellowship, church, and interest - and it still is. I rushed into everything like a child let loose in a sweet shop who runs eagerly up and down every aisle trying to grab at all the goodies on offer.

God-sized dream? Yay, why not? Living Wonderstruck challenge? Oh, yes, count me in. Join an on-line writing course? Just the ticket. Take up a 30 day Uni-tasking challenge? Great idea. Just what I need. Join lots of Facebook groups? Why not? I love to belong, connect, be a part of what's happening...

And these are all good things. Great ideas. Lovely ways to connect and learn. I've benefited hugely from being involved. Though enthusiasm will only carry us so far if there is insufficient energy to see things through.

But are they God's best for me? There are so many voices speaking into my life, clamouring for attention,  that I'm in danger of failing to heed the One Voice who has been seeking my attention all along.

I felt desperation to stay connected to the world as mine shrunk to four walls,  a deep desire and need for friendship with fellow M.E/chronic illness sufferers in particular, a real enjoyment of sharing thoughts and ideas with writers and bloggers.

But I have run into a problem: more burn-out, very little recovery to speak of, and confusion over what I'm really supposed to be giving my very depleted energy and limited 'active' time to. Sometimes we can spread ourselves so thin we're at risk of tearing into tiny, fragile pieces that are incapable of bringing substance to anything.

How do I decide the best way to move forward? God is showing me that it is only achieved by first stepping back, retreating a little, if you like.

Crashing and burning is an all too common phenomenon for M.E sufferers. The temptation to over-do things is irresistible when precious energy is available, but it leads to an urgent need for more rest, pacing, scaling back of activities and prioritising. That's where I'm at right now.

I don't often write about my life with M.E. (you can click on the link to see the main symptoms). It sits hovering in the background like an inconvenient truth I'd prefer to ignore, even if profound daily symptoms are an ever-present reminder. 

When they become as intrusive as they are now (I suffer from over 80% of the listed symptoms), they shout for attention and completely take over everything. Any semblance of the 'normal' life I crave is then impossible to hang on to.

Just recently I wrote a poetic lament about how unjustly those with M.E (and, indeed, other chronic physical and mental illnesses) are often perceived. Today, I am sharing my struggles in a different way.

I've not given up on anything yet (just dis-engaged and slowed down considerably), though I will have to soon to avoid further relapse.

What I am doing now is actively seeking to be quiet for a spell. And to facilitate this I am going on a retreat for a few days. They have no wi-fi, so it also means going 'cold-turkey' with social media...gulp!! My phone may not get a signal either...more gulping.

In the way with God-incidences, this was planned a few weeks ago when the only pressing need was a soothing, helpful environment to house and take care of me for a few days while my beloved (husband, carer and personal slave) goes to visit our youngest son. It was clear even then that I couldn't cope with the necessary 5+ hour (including stops) car journey there and back, the noise and disruption of planned DIY, nor the social interaction.

So this retreat is literally a god-send for all concerned. It involves taking a step back to evaluate where I am now and what may need changing, for we can get so caught up in comparing or competing with the ways, words, or works of others, that we fail to see what God is asking us to be, say/write, or do.

This side of it I have no idea what a retreat will look like, what I will do or achieve.

I hope to:sleep, rest, relax, switch off, unwind, listen to God, pray, read, write, drink in the peace and quiet, receive some spiritual mentoring. At this point it looks like sleep may be my main activity.

I am wary of even temporarily leaving the world of social media and the blogosphere that has been such a lifeline. The friendships and support gained there are invaluable to me as a housebound person who longs for connection, and the flexibility to dip in and out at a time of my choosing.

Even so, I recognise that my soul and body currently crave peace; stimulation of any kind is exhausting and silence is beginning to look like a very attractive option indeed.

The company of like-minded souls (and Anglican nuns) also sounds very appealing.

Knowing that I am one who devoured books about convent life and loved 'The Song of Bernadette' film as a child, my husband feels a bit worried that I may not want to return home again at the end of my stay!

Entering the novitiate may be tempting. Hmm...

But I love life, even one limited and constrained by chronic sickness. I love my family, friends, people, social interaction, chatting and being part of things too much to want to lose contact completely.

And I know too much silence may just drive me crazy

Balance is what it's all about.

Meanwhile, I know I will benefit from the break, but I'm also going to miss you all dreadfully.

And I need your help:
Please would you pray for me to make the best of this opportunity, to hear from God concerning my present and future calling, and to be able to discern the right way forward when I return? Thank you so much.

It has taken me a long, painfully slow, grinding week to write this in tiny snatches and if you have made it to the end of this rather long, meandering post, I congratulate you! 

There will be better days. I will write more eloquently. I will feel less sick and incapacitated. And I hope to record the retreat experience on a blog post near you very soon - God willing - if this is a temporary blip rather than a more serious setback.

So take good care of yourselves, my friends. I really look forward to catching up with you in a week or so.

May God greatly bless and keep you all in His tender loving care until we meet again.

PS:I love reading and replying to your comments. Please feel free to leave one below and I'll do my best to catch up with them when I return and (hopefully) normal service of sorts resumes. Thank you.