Echoes of eternity

It's strange what triggers the memory.

Sights, sounds and scents combine to transport us back in time.

Years melt away and we are reliving heady days of youth, or revisiting childhood.

It doesn't take much to make us feel we are young again, maybe remembering our parents' influence.

I remember my mother most in terms of how she displayed and conveyed the essence of womanhood to me; a message I saw and absorbed unconsciously.

Alongside her inevitable scent of 'Tweed' perfume, there was a fragrance of femininity, odour of powder and paint to make a body and face more appealing.

There was a lingering trace on tissues ~ a smudged smile hovering like a ghostly presence ~ and a red wet lipsticked kiss staining my cheeks or clothing as poignant reminders of her presence.

I watched with fascination as she applied the swivel stick to her pouting lips, and I mirrored her action with the wetted end of a red Smartie, a dab from rose petals, crayon or felt-tip pen long before I was able to try the art for myself.

Here lay feminine mystique, grooming, making-up, a grown-up rite of passage I was yet to traverse.

I longed to join in with the rituals of womanhood even as my child body and mind refused to accept that I was already a reluctant participant in certain grown-up mystery and ways.

Adults left impressions on me that couldn't be wiped away. I have grown up wanting to scrub them out of existence, but they stay deep within the recesses of my mind.

Dark inky stains would remain from shadows of the past, mingled with a scarlet blush of assumed guilt and shame.

I'm a work in progress as I heal from the past, drawing strength from God each day, drinking deep from the river of His mercy, love, grace and forgiveness so that I can share it with other hurting, wounded souls.

I've crept invisible from being noticed, seen and paid attention to. Hid in corners. 

Desiring nothing more than to be left alone, left to my own devices and dreams.

But there's also an innate desire in us to be safe, secure, to be loved. And love means escaping our comfort zones, becoming available, open and vulnerable.

Then we find ourselves getting assessed, found wanting and rejected by some in order to be found by those who really matter.

How hard it feels at times to make an impression on others. To leave an imprint of our existence.

We want something lasting and tangible to show for just being here. Existing. Living.

We seek to make a mark, stir the air, sink our feet into the sands of time and leave lingering footprints behind, or maybe a monument or two.

Most of us feel like we're creating castles in the air that crumble into dust and ashes. Hopes and dreams, plans and schemes so often come to nought.

Yet I still hold out hope that I can leave a lasting impression to reveal God's hand at work in my life.

There will be signs of my sighing out. 

Breath patterning the air with poetry. 

Laced layers of grace seeping from my broken life and ways.

My story woven from strands of sickness and despair.

My life wrapped up in prose. Poured out to water other thirsty souls.

Painting beauty with ashes. Hope from helplessness.

Suffering redeemed by our Saviour. 

Hopefully, the best parts of me will be the family I leave behind, the legacy of a life lived for God, His story bleeding out through my history.

Immortality imprinting itself upon the present. 

Echoes of eternity in the here and now.

This isn't about striving hard to chalk up outward achievement; it's about having a resting faith, trust and expectation that God will make Something out of the detritus of our wounded, broken lives.

No matter what our external circumstances may be, or what inheritance our fathers and mothers left us with for good or ill, we can aim to leave a legacy of God's goodness and grace, a lasting impression of how one small life surrendered to Him can become a thing of eternal beauty in His tender loving care.

Linking here with Nacole for #concretewords. This week's prompt is:'lipstick' 
and with Charlotte for #spiritualsundays

Life lessons from little ones

There's no denying that babies and young children have a zest for life and a thirst for knowledge.

As parents, grandparents, relatives and family friends, we are acutely aware of all they will need to know as they learn and grow.

Six months ago I became a grandma for the first time, and it's a beautiful thing to watch this young life developing before my eyes ~ his individual character coming through, self-expression making itself felt, joy being his default mood most days!

I look forward to cuddling and cossetting him as the young baby he still is.

He settles briefly, enjoying the contact, even as he yearns to wriggle free, grow away from protective arms and move independently.

He's ready for new experiences, some embraced swiftly and others he's more cautious about.

We think of all we can teach and help him with in the months and years to come.

But have you considered just how much little ones can teach us?

It's worth a thought.

Here's an example of what babies teach us:

• What goes in must come out somewhere
• Comfort = a full tummy, warm embrace and a personal slave 
• Crying, kicking and screaming are great ways to get attention
• Sleep is a luxury denied to new parents ~ most parents actually
• Unpredictability is the name of the game ~ keep 'em guessing
• Clothes are only worn to get them dirty
• I may be small but you'll need a whole house/garage to store my stuff in
• Babies rule, OK?

And now for the more positive things we learn from them:

• Rest/nap when you need to ~ listen to your body
• Be fully present and alert when you're awake

• Embrace each new day as an adventure, arms open ready to receive, mind willing to learn
• Know your limitations and seek to move beyond them at your own pace
• Be sociable and friendly ~ everyone needs a smile
• Hug those you love the most and who love you
• Trust daily needs to be provided for
• Learn how to listen and communicate with others
• Be willing to try/learn/enjoy something new every day
• Realise the importance of play as relaxation, therapy and education

• Enjoy life's simple pleasures
• Express gratitude
• Be fully yourself
• Be true to your feelings
• Show love, give love and receive love
• Remember that you're a unique, valuable, wonderful human being ~ just as you are

These are just a few things that infants and children can teach us. I'm sure you can think of some more!

My grandson is teaching me so much already, not least to embrace life with joy and enthusiasm, to appreciate things I would otherwise take for granted and to appreciate my loved ones all the more.

It is my dearest hope and prayer to leave him a lasting legacy of faith in God. He is already giving me a legacy of grace as he savours life with joyful trust, openness and abandon.

"He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" ~ Matthew 18:2-5

I'm encouraged by the thought that even tinies have things to teach us. And as we stay teachable in our spirits, God finds numerous ways to make His wisdom known to us, to open our eyes to life anew, and reveal more of His grace and joy in the everyday.

Joining Holley and Jennifer as we seek to encourage your hearts and tell His story of redemption and grace.

Hope springs eternal

It is said that where there is life there is hope. Its rays of light and grace rise through the cracks and crevices of our days.

The resilience of the human spirit is a God-given gift we truly need.

We can endure far more than we think when God gives us hope and strength to do so.

Reason will only get us so far.

Faith and trust will enable us to go way beyond our limitations.

As we continue to place our hope in the God of all hope He will guide our paths, provide a way where there seems to be no way, and reveal His plans to us.

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast; man never is, but always to be blessed:the soul, uneasy and confined from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come" ~ Alexander Pope 'An Essay on Man'

As I dust down an old journal (which I began using in 2008 but ceased writing in after a series of family calamities concluding in the unexpected death of my brother), it is with the hope of reclaiming it anew, writing observations of life and faith and being able to move beyond the reminder of those painful times.

I also do so with the purpose of allowing God to speak to me afresh as I record daily (if possible) thoughts, reflections, snippets of poetry or prayers. 

I'm joining Dawn and other journaling friends in June as we seek spiritual white space and aim to draw near to God as He encourages us to #listentoyourlife more avidly in the month ahead.

You are very welcome and warmly invited to join us. For more info on journaling in June, click here to visit Dawn's site and find out what it's all about. There is space for you and grace to join in as you feel able to.

Let hope inform your days as you surrender them to His ways this week.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without words ~
And never stops at all" ~ Emily Dickinson

By quiet waters

Our hearts long for peace.

Though rest and ease don't always come easily.

We live with restlessness pervading our inner and outer world. Conflict and battle. Wars and rumours of wars.

Loved ones are conscripted or voluntarily go to war. 

Accidents, injury, permanent disability and death may result from the conflict.

This is a day for silent reflection as we join our friends across the pond in considering those who paid the ultimate price to secure our freedom.

To draw near to the Prince of Peace and receive His restoration.

Sit by quiet waters and refreshing streams of grace.

Meditate on all our blessings, allow gratitude to seep in and soothe us, bringing some solace to wounded hearts and minds.

Chain-smoking, cafeterias and cakes

That shy-bold smile, wide-eyed innocence combined with eagerness to embrace life is what defined my mother in her teenage years. As the pampered, youngest (and prettiest) daughter in a family of three girls and a younger brother, she was accustomed to attention of a positive kind. 

They lived in the suburbs in comfortable middle class style, with books everywhere, a tiger-skin rug spreadeagled on the floor, a trophy stag's head adorning the hallway and an orchard groaning with fruit. Her mother kept house and home together and her father was in the military.

Lacking the fierce intelligence of her elder sister or the softness of her middle one, Joyce had a native shrewdness and worldly-wise attitude all her own. She was ambitious to succeed, particularly gifted in catering skills, (famed for her cakes especially) and ran her own cafeteria/restaurant with her first husband, serving soldiers based at the South East coast during the Second World War.They had a son they doted on. When his father died prematurely it plunged them into a season of grief and a precarious situation financially.

Therein stepped my own father.. as a customer-turned-future-husband. Only... he was a relatively poor man, a simple delivery driver who had fled a violent, abusive father by running away from home at a very young age, turning his back on his beloved mother, family, and further educational opportunities. 

Yet, as an unfailingly kind, sensitive man, her senior by several years, he must have represented escape from her widowhood, plus stability, security and love in some measure, because they became a couple and married anyway.

Very soon after, we (my twin sister and I) appeared on the scene. Two bawling, scrawny, premature infants who brought days and nights of adjustment for everybody.

Sadly, my memories of my mother are not as positive as I would like them to be. She was unhappy in the marriage, withdrawing into her shell self-protectively, throwing herself into her career with a vengeance. 

We were looked after partly by our teenage half-brother and partly by our seven half-sisters from our father's first marriage. Yes, he had walked out on seven girls/young women and their mother (his childhood sweetheart) to marry our mother. And lived to regret it bitterly. 

They were not suited to one another at all, having mainly a love of cigarettes, alcohol, good food and entertainment to glue them together. She became terribly unhappy as I see it now. 

But back then I just thought her cold, indifferent and unloving. Her voice scolding, her arms shut tight, her eyes flinty navy coals. We weren't welcome in her kitchen, nor anywhere else most of the time.

My sister and I with our mother 

I didn't realise the pain she must have felt at being trapped in a loveless marriage. I just thought she was rejecting me. It certainly felt like it.

As I was closest to my father, he was my confidant and he also confided intimate things to me about their marriage, things a young girl's ears shouldn't hear. And they influenced me against her tremendously.

So, today I want to address those feelings in a new light. In revisiting the past we can often gain insight for the present.

Here's what she taught me or gave me, albeit as I absorbed it unconsciously by osmosis:

• A voracious love of books ~ reading at the table, fag ash falling onto the pages as she devoured the current favourite before her, oblivious to our chatter or her surroundings.
• A woman takes care of her skin, uses make-up to enhance her assets, removes it scrupulously and never forgets to use moisturiser ('Oil of Ulay' as it was then).
• Perfume/eau de cologne is not to be saved for high days and holidays but applied on a daily basis, and a 'signature scent' is a good thing ~ hers was 'Tweed' by Lentheric, mine's usually 'Aromatics Elixir' by Clinique and 'Yria' by Yves Rocher.
• No matter how 'unmade-up' a woman may be, wearing a bright lipstick makes all the difference ~ preferably bright red for her and a softer pink for me.
• Dress as well as your budget allows, remembering that a scarf/necklace can make or break an outfit ~ Yes, I love them too.
• Undergarments matter, especially as you age ~ hmm.. we differ a little there in that she needed corsets and slips whereas I love pretty lacy things.
• Education matters. Follow your heart's desire if you can and get a career you enjoy.
• It's possible to have a job and raise a family. You have to decide where you can afford to cut corners and get all the support you can.
• You may have to count the pennies but you can always eat well.
• There's not much that a hot bath, good book, cup of tea/coffee and a cigarette can't put right ~ Maybe.. not so sure about the latter as I don't smoke.
• Marry for love, not convenience.

*******

And, Joyce/mum, I have kept faithfully to your received wisdom, almost without realising it. Drawn it into my soul as a part of you.

Now, I feel sadder still in this season of celebrating motherhood that I didn't really know or appreciate you as I could have done. And I fear you didn't really know or understand me either.

I have learnt how to be a mother and grandmother somehow, by default, by an act of grace, by a staunch desire to 'do better' than I was done by. Yet, as the list above reveals, I was in your thoughts and you were in mine, even when it may not have felt like it at all to my needy, hungry, hurting child-heart.

And I know I have looked for you in many people and places since your passing, always coming up empty again. My hands longing to touch and not be pushed aside, my arms desiring to hold and be held as much as I wanted to.

I find myself mirroring some of your gestures.
I look at photos and see more resemblance in our faces, even though my sister got your darker hair and deep blue eyes.

Me ~ age 17

Maybe.. maybe I can take some consolation from knowing now how tough life can be as an adult, how hard choices have to be made, how you had to leave us and run into another man's arms. 

I saw you had some years of happiness with him, your smile wide and genuine. You had a space for me and my sister too in those latter years when disability drew us back to care for you as daughters do.

This stage of my life sees me suffering the same arthritis and hyper-mobile joints that pained you so much. I also use a wheelchair at times as I have M.E as well. There are days when I look at my increasingly gnarled hands and muse that I'm turning into my mother. Don't we all, in the end? And you know what? I'm starting to get comfortable with that. Perhaps the best of you is inside of me.

Happy Mothers Day, mum. I miss you more than I expected to and more than you'll ever know. Xxx 

Lifting the lid on sex and sickness

Ever since I've been blogging I've tried to stay faithful to the message I believe God has given me to share.

Sometimes that can make me uncomfortable.

 My natural desire, yearning really, is to be bright, chatty, light and encouraging.

But, more often than not, I've been asked to go deep, intense even.

To write about things that are not usually discussed in polite conversation.

Now I am lifting the lid on sex and sickness issues.

Did that 3 letter word grab your attention?

It has a way of doing that. 

Our world celebrates, deifies and worships at the altar of sex as if it's going out of fashion...as if...and advertising glorifies it in all its air-brushed, honed and toned, artificial perfection.

We can be left feeling deflated, discouraged and defeated before we ever get round to performance.

So what is a mature (in years anyway) Christian woman like me doing by opening up this proverbial can of worms?

It's precisely because God invented it in the first place and ordained it as an act of consummation, union and communion of marriage that it is open to discussion for Christian believers.

And in Scripture, the Song of Songs/Solomon stands alone as a celebration of sexual love as well as being perceived as an allegory for Christ and the church.

I'm not coming at this from the stance of moral, theological debate or opinion (though I have a strong personal persuasion there), nor from a medical, ethical viewpoint ~ though I used to be a nurse and worked in gynaecology for a few years.

Rather, my part is to share some thoughts from experience as a woman in her 50s with chronic health problems who wants to raise awareness.

Contrary to popular opinion, one doesn't necessarily lose interest in sexual intimacy in mid-life, age 50, 60 or beyond, even if ability and agility may be less reliable than before.

Neither does interest necessarily wane when chronic illness/disability affects and afflicts us and make functioning complicated.

Couples in this scenario who love one another, and desire to be physically intimate, may have to be more sensitive, understanding, patient (and inventive) but not necessarily desist altogether.

An inability (enforced by physical illness) to make love fully and freely is an additional burden, strain and frustration in a limited and constrained life.

When chronic illness affects either partner, it can leave a legacy of great fatigue, pain and weakness that make any kind of sexual contact (never mind gymnastics) very hard to achieve.

Yes, I am fully aware that there is so much more to a marriage relationship than sex, and those other factors enhance the love and friendship that already exists between a couple.

Though nothing beats the deep bonding effect of sexual intimacy; it's an act where mind, body and spirit engage together and can provide a brief touch of 'heaven on earth' at its most sublime.

But, for those who are forced to prematurely alter or relinquish what they had previously enjoyed it is a bitter pill to swallow, requiring further adjustments to a changed lifestyle.

I've outlined these potential problems in long-term relationships. Just think about how great the problems are for those who are younger and/or single, with every expectation of a healthy sex life to come.

To find those normal and natural expectations thwarted or unmet due to chronic sickness is a huge disappointment, source of frustration, sadness and discouragement.

Loving and being loved are among the greatest human needs we have and they encompass multiple expressions of being close and special to one another in various ways.

Adjustments are often necessary as we reach senior years, and also as we adapt to having long-term health problems at any age.

Despite media hype, very few of us will have a so-called 'perfect' sex life. The best we can hope for is that our sex lives will be mutually satisfying and fulfilling.

I haven't included mental health issues, problems or illness here. But they (and the side effects of medication) all play a highly significant role in potentially causing alteration in both sexual function and self-esteem, requiring further adaptation and adjustment.

So why am I speaking out about these issues?

Surely they are private things?

Well, yes, and no. So many issues get side-lined, ignored or neglected simply due to fear or embarrassment about "What might people think?"

Because I am seeking to press past people-approval issues in my life in general, it seems timely to write about it now in a 'feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway' kind of way. Also:

• It affects me a great deal personally ~ due to my chronic illness, disability, history of childhood sexual and emotional abuse leading to mental health breakdown and sexual dysfunction, I cannot easily be the sexy wife my husband deserves and needs ~ as I have shared in this open post about my marriage.
• Many suffer silently and need to know they are not isolated or alone.
• Sweeping these problems under the carpet only leads to them creeping out again, ready to trip us up when we least expect it.
• Providing an open forum aids greater understanding and respect for sufferers.
• Life is enhanced by mutual support and hope of seeing change.
• Finally, I'm at that stage when I'm growing older and bolder in my life and writing!

And, though we may try hard to conceal it, all of us are broken, wounded people to some extent or other.

Though Jesus defeated sin, sickness and death on the cross, we do not witness the full physical reality of that in this lifetime, but will only do so in His kingdom to come. For not everyone gets healed or delivered this side of heaven. 

We live with contradiction and mystery. We also live with great hope for the future. Here now, with God, we are on a journey toward greater healing and wholeness.

One day, these perishable, earthly bodies will be fully redeemed and become imperishable, eternal, resurrection bodies. And I, for one, can't wait!

What do you think?

How have these issues impacted your life or the life of your loved ones?

Please feel free to join the discussion in the comments below.

********

**Note** This post was partly written in draft form several months ago, awaiting such a time as this when I felt brave enough to share. My hope and prayer is that it will help others who are struggling in this area too.

Thank you to all those who took part in the 'Love Idol' draw in my last post. A winner has been selected at random from all who left a comment. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to complete the draw, but my health has been particularly challenging over the last month.

However, I'm delighted to announce that Ceil's name was drawn (by my OH) as the winner. Congratulations, Ceil! Please send me your snail mail address and a copy of 'Love Idol' will be winging it's way to you asap. 

Love Idol ~ a review

Sometimes you grasp a book in your hands and sense it was written just for you ~ heart to heart.

You'll find yourself wanting to add numerous memory jogging highlights and underlining to what feels more like a private journal than anything else.

C.S Lewis said, "Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another:"What! You too? I thought that no one but myself.." Right from the start the author feels like a good friend, so frequent are the 'You too?' moments within it. 

Jennifer Dukes Lee's warm, engaging prose, intimate sharing, open vulnerability and heartfelt message also invite trust and reassuring confidence.

Here is a woman who is still a 'work in progress' and willing to admit it. She eagerly desires for others to join her in seeking to identify and demolish their own love idols.

So what is a 'love idol' Primarily, whatever rules our hearts is at risk of "becoming our lord" when "instead of resting in the love and approval of an unseen God, we chase after the temporary pleasures of human validation" 

People-approval issues are so widespread that it begs the question:How on earth do we overcome them? Insightful, God-inspired suggestions (based on her own tried and tested application) are heavily strewn throughout this book.

We are encouraged to see ourselves as already pre-approved. Together, as co-pilgrims, we can learn how to surrender "our need for human approval in exchange for a godly approval that is already bought and paid for."

Whether you are in the first flush of youth or the hot flush of mid-life, male or female, this book is relevant for all. These issues can plague our lives and cause enormous stress and strain until we have awareness and insight into their devastating consequences and find the means to address them.

We don't have to live lives plagued and tormented, held captive to the fluctuating opinions of others or wearied and discouraged by our low self-esteem.

There is hope at hand.

There is grace to help.

There is freedom to be gained.

We can discover our true identity in Christ.

"Every small death of an idol is another tiny resurrection of our identity in Christ" ~ Jennifer Dukes Lee 'Love Idol'

Are you ready?

*********

I will continue sharing my journey in the overcoming of love idols over at poetryjoy.com. You can check out my progress there.

There is a growing, supportive Facebook community to help you along the way.

Jennifer's site has plenty of information about her own journey and shared stories of how others are walking this pathway.

You can order the book on Amazon by clicking here.

And I am offering a free copy of 'Love Idol' to a person selected at random from those who leave a comment below. Do join in the conversation below to be in with a chance to win a copy for yourself or for a friend. You won't regret it!